10 things I learnt about Bulawayo and Victoria Falls

So I went to Victoria Falls last week, via Bulawayo, and that trip was an eye-opener for sure. I learnt some lessons on this trip, and I thought I’d share a few.

1. Never make a 5-hour journey with the flu … there ain’t enough water in the world, and cokes get progressively dearer the farther you get from Harare.

2. Dont pay for dinner at Holiday Inn Bulawayo. Dodgy buffet, worryingly spiced-up chicken and poorly-trained waiters. Not clever. Ditto paying for Wi-Fi access – can you say “turtle”?

3. Plan to arrive in Vic Falls at either dawn or sunset, cos driving into sweltering heat at 1 pm is excruciating. Make sure to laugh at the locals huddled into their jerseys.

4. ‘Tourist resort’ is a rather loose term for a town with no tourists.

5. Leave married women alone. No matter how flirty they are, how much they claim to miss you or how sensualy they squeeze your hand when you greet them. There be dragons.

6. If your team is out of the final, root for the ref. Or anyone. If the fools you’re rooting for lose, you’re exposed to unnecessary ridicule. And no amount of Castles can save you.

7. When driving from Falls to Bulawayo, keep a close eye out for cattle standing in the middle of the road. And people standing in the middle of the road. And goats … etc.

8. If you went to Avondale flea market and picked up 10 random honies, you’d have a far better cast of models than the entire Miss Bulawayo Rainbow pageant.

9. Visions is to Bulawayo as Tipperary’s is to Harare.

10. There’s nothing better than a hot meal, a neck-rub and warm body after a long drive home.

12 Comments

  • dhlaks

    28 May, 2008 at 10:22 am

    I take it you had a rought trip huh JB 😀

  • Galadriel

    28 May, 2008 at 11:41 am

    1. We talkin Man-Flu or the flu that actually kills many every year.

    3. Ain’t it meant to be winter. Shouldn’t you be freezing your ass off by now?

    6. You were rooting for Chelsea? You fool.

    10. Too much information! We know you have a love life of sorts but that was one visual I could have gone without.

  • minnie mouse

    28 May, 2008 at 13:10 pm

    flirty married women huh? which is why you should take your woman with you to keep them dragons at bay.

  • Joe Black

    28 May, 2008 at 15:09 pm

    Yeah that was one rough trip. Sorry Gala, LOL. You ask me to share, then when I do, you say it’s OVER-share? lol

    Minnie, I would take someone with me, if they ever had time. Or inclination.

  • Galadriel

    28 May, 2008 at 16:28 pm

    Hey, all I ever ask for is detail about the drama OUTSIDE of the physical. The he said she said. I don’t know you well enough to be comfortable with you talking about the physical manifestation of affections unless you are talking about a slap across the face. That’s not asking much is it? 🙂 Besides, I could get jealous. 😉

  • Joe Black

    29 May, 2008 at 08:20 am

    Yeah, but I didn’t go over-board. In fact, I didn’t actually say anything at all. It’s just your imagination …

  • Andy Tee

    29 May, 2008 at 09:26 am

    6. If your team is out of the final, root for the ref. Or anyone. If the fools you’re rooting for lose, you’re exposed to unnecessary ridicule. And no amount of Castles can save you.

    Joe the next time ManYoo is in the finals I will pay for your ticket to Vic Falls. Remember 1999 – Croc n Paddle – the nite your first cellphone was stolen by a Bulgrian tourist hahahaha!

  • Joe Black

    29 May, 2008 at 09:40 am

    Interesting … the last time ManUre won the final, I was in Vic Falls. This time, when ManUre won the final, I was in Vic Falls.

    Hmmmmm.

    Yeah lol I remember that night, back in the good old days when life was simple 🙂

  • Eleanor

    29 May, 2008 at 14:31 pm

    ANDY TEE! Phoenix-like from the ashes!

  • Joe Black

    29 May, 2008 at 20:15 pm

    He came back just for you, Elle!

  • Eleanor

    30 May, 2008 at 10:38 am

    Mmmmm, new look, not feeling it. but again the slogans are funny. If my mama kissed you, you wouldnt live to tell the tale.

  • Joe Black

    30 May, 2008 at 11:35 am

    Aah, this one is staying 🙂