This is The Ballad of Justin Bloody Bieber, sung by an 82-year-old gentleman.

It is reckoned that he’s hotter
Than Harry fucking Potter,
His hairdo like some wagging gold retriever,
Looking lovely, looking cute
In his pater-knity suit,
Our Justin, bloody Justin, bloody Bieber.

This old barley is so bad-ass, he nails fucking scorpions to his wall.

Viva.

Congratulations to President Robert Gabriel Mugabe, Head of State and Government and Commander-in-Chief of the Zimbabwe Defence Forces on turning 88 (yes, that’s EIGHTYfuckingEIGHT!!!) years old today.

Enjoy the video.

I love The Herald, I really do. Today they’re trumpeting a report saying the USA’s voters’ roll has two million dead people on it.

Yeah, that’s a lot of people. How dare they talk about our voters’ roll, when theirs is in such a shambles? Take it away Tendai Mugabe and Badluck Jonathan:

The US in conjunction with a host of non-governmental organisations operating in Zimbabwe has been very vocal in criticising Zimbabwe’s election management system.

Despite Registrar-General Tobaiwa Mudede’s insistence that the country’s voters roll is clean, the US and its allies always claim that there are 100 000 dead people on it.

Political analyst Professor Jonathan Moyo said: “The US Government which always wants to play a big brother role over Zimbabwe’s voters roll has been caught with its dirty pants down.”

He said the revelations exposed the US and people now know that the US does not walk its talk.

“We are waiting with keen interest to hear what Ambassador Charles Ray, his local media and non-governmental mouthpieces will say given that America is due to hold general elections in November.”

Prof Moyo said the figures released in the study were far below the exact number of ghost voters on the US voters roll.
He said the figures were ample evidence that the US does not practise what it preaches to the world. Every country with a paper-based voters roll, he said, was bound to have problems.

Two things to take away here; Jonathan Moyo knows the “exact” number of ghost voters on the US voters’ roll, and he’s apparently seen America’s “dirty pants”.

I think there’s one difference between our roll and theirs, Badluck Jonathan.

Their dead voters don’t vote.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Florists and gift shops and Innscor and retailers everywhere are singing and dancing and jumping in glee.

Now that the Prostitutes’ Christmas is upon us, let’s all take a moment to reflect on what exactly Valentine’s Day really means to all of us.

Whether you’re a married woman, a single girl, a small house or a whore, some ladies seem to believe this day is when the men in their lives are meant to pay up and show appreciation for whatever shit they’ve had to endure all year.

I call bullshit. I see this day as a chance for ALL of us to reject the blatant consumerism that’s come to be associated with the so-called day of love. I don’t have to buy you flowers or a card or a ring or a gift for you to know that I love you.

Indeed, if my lady is waiting for flowers on Valentine’s Day so she knows that I love her, then I’ve failed as a man. That is all.

On another note, single ladies, chances are you’re getting asked out right about now – say yes. And when the date ends, and it’s right about that time when he’s asking for it, say yes.

Say yes to the sex.

I mean, what is wrong with girls? They think that by making men wait, they’ll weed out the bad ones. Not true.

The good ones want to sleep with you right away, too. That doesn’t mean we won’t commit. It actually means you have more of a chance of us committing if you play your cards right.

So don’t be scared, single girls. Give it up. It is, after all, the holiday of love.

Get your slut on.

As a thirtysomething male, I’ve (allegedly) watched my share of porn. However, over the years one important question has continually arisen; who the fuck are the seemingly tens of thousands of random women who apparently have no problem being photographed with a penis in their mouth?

Porn stars are one thing (they DO get paid for it) but it’s safe to say there is considerably more amateur debauchery out there than anything else, and I simply can’t fathom who these everyday women are that have no problem being photographed / videotaped chewing and screwing!

Considering the sheer number, you’d think I’d have come across at least one of them in my time. Not that I even have a regular desire to have on-screen sex; just the fact that there are countless women who will gladly gargle a load or eagerly be cummed on, all for the benefit of some pervert watching on their computer, is mind-blowing.

Some of the funniest scenes have to be when a girl is blowing a guy, and clearly trying to eyefuck the camera. Let’s think about this for a second – I once read that many women consider oral sex to be even more intimate than fornication, and I can’t say it’s all that surprising.

Is there anything more inherently sexual, graphic and empowering than sticking one’s penis, the source of a man’s greatest pleasure (and semen delivery hose) down a woman’s throat, her vehicle for eating, tasting and communication? By getting head you are literally shutting a girl the up!

Blowjobs are also one of the more unique sexual acts – men can jerk off, and while the act itself is nowhere near the experience of actual coitus, it’s at least something of an approximation. But unless you’re insanely flexible, chances are you can’t suck your own dick.

The sense of authority a guy feels shoving his unit in a girl’s mouth coupled with the feeling of power the female can derive from pleasuring him in a way he can only dream of makes getting head that much more sexually gratifying for both* parties. [*citation needed LOL]

Back to the matter at hand. What makes these women think it’s sexy to eyefuck the camera? Do they think the jerk (off) on the other end will find it hot? Correct me if I’m wrong, but there are few more ridiculous sights than a girl trying to look photogenic while inhaling a penis.

You have a cock in your mouth, sweetie; this really is no time to pose.