10 simple things I look for in a woman
You know, some days I wonder why we even bother. It’s always the same thing - we meet, we hang out, we do it, we catch a movie, we drink, we do it some more, hang out some more, then we drift apart. So, in an effort to simplify things for all my potential dates out there, here’s another list of 10 things, this time it’s a few basic requirements I have of my ideal girl. Just so we can have at least a chance at a meaningful and lasting relationship.
So at risk of great ridicule in the Scud & Nanny, here goes:
1: Speak English. And if you can’t, speak Spanish or French or Portuguese. You know I’m not listening to a word you’re saying, and I’m looking at your chest anyways, but being able to at least speak the lingo without making me laugh is v.important. If your native language is Spanish, French or Portuguese, and subjective to items 2 and/or 3, you automatically qualify.
2: Boobs. Have some. There’s a reason I’m looking at your chest while you’re talking. I don’t need triple-D’s (although those would be nice). But yours should be there, cause a nice pair of jubblies is v.v.important. If you’re an A/B, we can negotiate on the basis of item 3.
3: I like big butts and I cannot lie.
4: Waist/midriff….hmmm. Coca-Cola bottle would be very nice, but I’d be lying if I pretended to care. As long as I can tell where your boobs stop and your ass begins, we’re cool.
5: Facially, I go for all types. As long as you don’t make babies cry, I can take anything from plain to supermodel. Again, see items 2 and 3.
6: Your hair better be your own, or you’d better not have any. Not negotiable.
7: I don’t mind if you have kids. In fact, I think having a kid helps build character in a woman. But here’s the thing - I’ll draw the line at one. If you have a soccer team following you around, sorry sister, love ya but not for me. And if you don’t have ‘em, all the better, means we can start our own line of beautiful little people. Either way, I won’t discriminate on the basis of past unprotected sexual activity. You naughty thing.
8: Oh yeah, character. Personality. Whatever, as long as you look interested when I talk, enjoy watching me play pool and understand the off-side rule, we’re cool. Also, you must be able to withstand occasional periods of neglect, whether I have shit to deal with or the Champions’ League is on.
9: Have a job. And if you don’t, have a trust fund. Or a big dhara. If you happen to be a student with potential for future earnings, we can negotiate on the basis of items 2 or 3. Preferably both.
10: Enjoy cooking. I prefer a steak, egg and chips for dinner, and a nice omelette after my morning glory. If you’re really nice to me, I might even cook for you. Once. Also, if you’re content to sit in a house while there’s dirty dishes on the table/in the sink/under the bed, don’t bother applying.
So, I’ve just described my perfect woman, and if you fit into at least 5 of the above categories, holla back. If you think you fit in all, bullshit. And if you’re a feminist and don’t feel like screaming at me in the comments, there’s always my email to shout at.
And Jade, if you’re reading this, I love you 
September 11th, 2006 at 13:39 pm
Joe what the hell is your problem? I am sure you get enough dates without saying stupid things like this.
And for your own information some women have nice weaves and they look good in them we dont need males to approve of how we wear our hair, get a life
September 11th, 2006 at 13:40 pm
And furthermore I dont think watching you play pool is a viable pastime for any self-respecting lady out there!!! And is your English that good anyway????
September 11th, 2006 at 13:45 pm
Sounds like you’re freakin out there, ex-girlfriend. Drink some hideously-overpriced mineral water or something
September 11th, 2006 at 13:48 pm
fuck you
September 11th, 2006 at 13:51 pm
HOLLA!!!! taura hako joe black these womens need to hear the truth once in a while. Unenge wabata kanerve apa! jubblies HA HA tell them my nigga
September 11th, 2006 at 15:10 pm
you forgot to say she should be able to perfom very well in bed, mate. i like big butts too ha
September 11th, 2006 at 15:11 pm
Gr8, at last a man who says exactly what he is after instead of sending double messages! Wish all of you would be just as forthright. Though I fit into at least 5 of the catagories, I’m not sure you, on the other hand, fit into any of mine!
September 11th, 2006 at 15:15 pm
Okay okay seriously is this the last thing Im supposed to raead before i go to bed? A hard day at work and I come home to read this?
But I dont know why Tino is so offended, girl its just some idiotic dreams by a clearly dilusional HORNY guy don’t let it get to you girl
September 11th, 2006 at 15:18 pm
Uhm, how well do you now me Jane Bloggs.
And Lisa, babe, you misspelt “delusional”, so Strike One
When did you start work Lisa, and how is life down there?
Tino’s just angry cos she know’s she’s a perfect ten and too far away to take advantage…
September 11th, 2006 at 15:24 pm
Life good, hubby ok, baby happy, work terrible. I see you still as crazy as ever hope you find the rite one for you. g’nite
September 11th, 2006 at 15:40 pm
what is a big dhara?
September 11th, 2006 at 16:27 pm
A “big dhara” is Zimbabwean (Shona) slang for a sugar daddy. Dhara translates literally to “old man”.
September 11th, 2006 at 16:45 pm
JoBlack i co sing no FAKE HAIR, its a major turn off.
i thot this was a general post, tino why are you soo mad?
so joBlack tell us more abt you pool escapades, i think i once saw a lady watch you playing pool at scud and nanny yrs back when u used to have locks….
September 11th, 2006 at 16:55 pm
I assume you want to know how well I ‘Know’ you, as opposed to ‘now’ you? Honestly, I can’t say I know you well but I think from your rantings and ravings in your posts I’ve an idea, which maybe far from the truth but hey, that’s all I’ve got!
September 11th, 2006 at 17:48 pm
Joe Black Rocks, Goooooo you GOOD THANG!!
September 12th, 2006 at 08:03 am
Its the arrogance of the guy like we have to live up to HIS expectations all the time and what we want doesn’t matter, like hes gods gift or something
September 12th, 2006 at 09:12 am
nice one Jane Blogs, Joe is whining and demanding english from his dates when he can’t even spell “Know” anymore
September 12th, 2006 at 09:17 am
Jigga, you mean back when I had game
Anyway, it’s great when a chick isn’t bitching and whining when we’re out doing something I enjoy. I mean, I DO got into the supermarket and clothing store with ya, right?
Jane Blogs: typo, oops. I guess you do know me then, cos this is what I am
Tino: relax, chick. get over your bitterness and have a nice day - for once
September 12th, 2006 at 13:29 pm
I think you’re very funny Joe Black keep it up.
But I have to ask not why you are so focused with boobs and ass, as all men are, but why then does it seem you can forgive other categories just for physical beaity?
What if she’s broke, can’t speak English or cook but she looks like JLo, whats your plan?
September 12th, 2006 at 13:30 pm
hit and run, tap that booty and parachooty!!!!!
September 12th, 2006 at 13:36 pm
I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can’t deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough
‘Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she’s wearing
I’m hooked and I can’t stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna get wit’cha
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But with that butt you got makes me feel so horny
September 12th, 2006 at 13:57 pm
lyric pimp there’s always one
I’m surprised more gals arent suporting this initiative of telling the truth, it does set you free
September 12th, 2006 at 14:28 pm
Lisa and Tino we all need to come up with a list of our top 10, including someone who knows how and where the washing machine is used.
Although I must say I score 8 out of 10 on this list, no kids and not good looking, but the rest I can do, and I can make up for the ones I lack, and then some
September 12th, 2006 at 14:59 pm
Look least one can do a self-assessment at home & know if they appeal to market, thus knowing what to expect therefore eliminating any confusion on what the brother wants. If u score 3/10, then its clear as daylight all he is after is a little action without caring how u are the next day
September 12th, 2006 at 16:07 pm
aChic feel free to give us your top ten list, we’ll publish and compare.
Washing machine, puhlease!
September 12th, 2006 at 16:56 pm
Is this possible…in one package
1- Good looking
2- Good in bed
3- Extra money to spend
4- And a man thats true in everyway (as in spot on personality)
NOPE - and thats just 4 points!!! shame for the men when the list of 10 gets out…
So girls, my advice I have stuck to is
Marry the rich man,
keep the true in everyway man in your heart, find a fit toy boy - and enjoy every mans looks!
September 12th, 2006 at 17:09 pm
Will ponder the list of qualities or attributes that I look for in a man but to say that it is simple or can be found in one package, I doubt that it’s possible. If it’s possible, chances are the guy is gay!
September 12th, 2006 at 19:50 pm
Hey Joe, you are more than an average human being! Black, white, coloured, colourless or even pink! Look, you more than inspire me! You Rock!
Keep it up dude! You kick ass!
September 13th, 2006 at 08:16 am
“Extra money to spend” - you mean to spend on YOU. Okay, sure, but do you have money to spend on YOURSELF, that’s the big question. And can you buy me the occasional beer? Ponder that.
Paul, thanks dude, I’m here all week
Jane Blogs - seriously now, you think all good men are gay? Play the field some, you’ll be surprised.
September 13th, 2006 at 09:17 am
Joe, are there really any good men out there in this day and age, in Zimbabwe so as to narrow it down?
September 13th, 2006 at 09:24 am
Joe, are there really any good men out there in this day and age, and in Zimbabwe, so as to narrow it down?
September 13th, 2006 at 10:30 am
All the good guys left Zim - Trevor left
September 13th, 2006 at 11:06 am
Ahem, *cough*, there’s……moi
September 13th, 2006 at 11:08 am
Heheeeeede, huuuuuri zvakaoma. saka all this was so tyhat you could pick up chicks heeee?
September 13th, 2006 at 11:10 am
Ko indava kundimaka so nhai Tino? Asi the Big Smoke is hurting you? Did someone hi-jack that new car of yours?
Andy Tee you know I’m one of the few good guys left.
September 13th, 2006 at 11:17 am
Joe you the best- but handiti you going to the islands soon
September 13th, 2006 at 11:40 am
Oh yeah, that! Thanks for reminding me, St Kitts and Nevis!
September 13th, 2006 at 12:32 pm
True, seems all the good guys have left the country, though only God knows where they’ve disappeared to as they sure as hell not in South Africa or any of the places that I’ve been to!
September 13th, 2006 at 13:00 pm
they aren’t in Japan either.
September 13th, 2006 at 14:09 pm
I’m here in South Africa. Feel free to visit iKapa if you want to see a good man.
September 13th, 2006 at 14:11 pm
hey you! how can you be pimping yourself out when Minha is still in the picture? she is, isn’t she?
September 13th, 2006 at 14:19 pm
aChic, send us pics of the Jap mandingos you’ve been hanging out with
September 13th, 2006 at 14:26 pm
tibvirei apa, i am a good man, i know that and i am sticking to it. oh and i am in zim still!
September 13th, 2006 at 14:30 pm
hmmmmm these are people who will next be posting to us from Korea or somewhere like that
September 13th, 2006 at 14:55 pm
I’m black through and through. And I think it was Tupac who said the darker the berry the sweeter the juice. And I am a believer in that. I do not do Jap mandingos. Next you will be suggesting that I hook up with some Zhing Zhong own.
September 13th, 2006 at 16:14 pm
Good post Joe.
Points 2, 3 and 10 say it all!
September 15th, 2006 at 13:15 pm
joe black….
September 18th, 2006 at 08:06 am
Uhm…Klooless?
July 13th, 2007 at 15:54 pm
Joe u sound like the looser type and player type that no chick in her right mind wud get wit anyway!!again get a life!!
September 18th, 2007 at 18:35 pm
Freedom of speech. I love it!
October 21st, 2007 at 10:07 am
Update:- I met Pam, my God she’s hot