RustyGate

I’ve always had a bit of a laugh at Mark Wahlberg (and Donnie too, for that matter). From his days in NKOTB to his little white rapper stint, he’s always been a kinda jokester to me.

The idea that Marky Mark of the Funky Bunch could become a serious Hollywood action star, with the clout to even produce a TV show based on his own experience (Entourage, you reprobate); far-fetched, you’d think.

But nope. He’s there, oh-look-at-me I’m-an-Irish-American-action-character check-out-my-scowl I’ll-shoot-you Mark Wahlberg, doing his thing. And I haven’t really been taking him seriously.

Until now. Minnie and I went to see We Own The Night on the weekend, and it’s was a pretty good flick. Marky’s a cop (ya think?) with a junkie brother and police chief dad. I won’t lay it all out for ya but this flick is hard, ek se.

And the opening scene helped (Eva Mendes flashes a titty).

Justice will prevail.

That’s what gives me comfort.

So no matter how tired we feel, no matter how much stress you put on my back, no matter how hard they make my life … justice will prevail.

Even if the rest of Africa forsakes us, and notwithstanding how deep Thabo Mbeki shoves his head up his ass. We don’t mind.

Because we’re Zimbabweans. We can handle the pressure. We’ve seen it all before. This is all basically Gukurahundi writ large. So it’s nothing new. And in a largely Christian nation, we hold onto one of the basic tenets of that belief.

That someday your just desserts will come to you. And you’ll get what you’ve paid for. The tax-man cometh, and he’s not bringing fucking chocolates.

Justice will prevail.

So I went down to Kadoma this weekend, ostensibly for the Jameson get-together and reunion function.

Turns out, it was more a weekend escape from the usual Harare bullshit. There’s nothing like hanging out in a villa suite with football on and a beautiful woman.

Besides, almost nobody showed up for the reunion. And there was neither beer nor electricity. And the DJs were crap.

So the only value was in spending time away with my favourite girl.

Well, maybe not so quiet.

… a woman who will cook breakfast for you when you ask her to. When all you really need is a bacon and egg sandwich and a little bit of warmth to get you through the day.

Like, no matter how tired you are of the whole go-round, the Super 14 finals, the beer price increases during the Super 14 finals, all the bullshit news coming out of South Africa; no matter what, just a little bit of love and the world will be a better place.

Like, maybe one day Putin will grow the fuck up, the United States will get serious about global warming, uniforms will behave professionally and Hillary Clinton will finally (please God) quit.

Okay, clutching at straws there.

So I went to Victoria Falls last week, via Bulawayo, and that trip was an eye-opener for sure. I learnt some lessons on this trip, and I thought I’d share a few.

1. Never make a 5-hour journey with the flu … there ain’t enough water in the world, and cokes get progressively dearer the farther you get from Harare.

2. Dont pay for dinner at Holiday Inn Bulawayo. Dodgy buffet, worryingly spiced-up chicken and poorly-trained waiters. Not clever. Ditto paying for Wi-Fi access - can you say “turtle”?

3. Plan to arrive in Vic Falls at either dawn or sunset, cos driving into sweltering heat at 1 pm is excruciating. Make sure to laugh at the locals huddled into their jerseys.

4. ‘Tourist resort’ is a rather loose term for a town with no tourists.

5. Leave married women alone. No matter how flirty they are, how much they claim to miss you or how sensualy they squeeze your hand when you greet them. There be dragons.

6. If your team is out of the final, root for the ref. Or anyone. If the fools you’re rooting for lose, you’re exposed to unnecessary ridicule. And no amount of Castles can save you.

7. When driving from Falls to Bulawayo, keep a close eye out for cattle standing in the middle of the road. And people standing in the middle of the road. And goats … etc.

8. If you went to Avondale flea market and picked up 10 random honies, you’d have a far better cast of models than the entire Miss Bulawayo Rainbow pageant.

9. Visions is to Bulawayo as Tipperary’s is to Harare.

10. There’s nothing better than a hot meal, a neck-rub and warm body after a long drive home.