RustyGate

… a woman who will cook breakfast for you when you ask her to. When all you really need is a bacon and egg sandwich and a little bit of warmth to get you through the day.

Like, no matter how tired you are of the whole go-round, the Super 14 finals, the beer price increases during the Super 14 finals, all the bullshit news coming out of South Africa; no matter what, just a little bit of love and the world will be a better place.

Like, maybe one day Putin will grow the fuck up, the United States will get serious about global warming, uniforms will behave professionally and Hillary Clinton will finally (please God) quit.

Okay, clutching at straws there.

Who is the monkey in charge of Burma? Seriously dude, you just need to take a chill-pill. We know you value your ’sovereignty’but come on, you’re in shit. Get help. People are offering help. Children are dying. Don’t be such a hard-arse. Even the Chinese are getting help.

What the fuck is going on down in South Africa, anyway? I’m not so sure this is just basic xenophobia at play now. It seems to me like impoverished masses are taking advantage of a few basic prejudices and resorting to criminality and mob protest. This isn’t about Zimbos and Malawians anymore - why are all these people so mad? Clean your shit up, Thabo Mbeki.

Where are the ANC heavies in all this, anyway? Where are the Tony Yengenis, the Tokyo Sexwales? Is it not evidence of a fractured party that there hasn’t been a unified response, a coming together of ANC leadership, an effort to visit these townships and calm the rioters whilst displaying solidarity with the victims of hate crime and citizens of brother states?

When will Hillary Clinton quit? Isn’t it interesting to note that it’s her, the Establishment, Female and now-Losing candidate, who has consistently played the race and gender cards, while her ‘inexperienced’ opponent has not? And what’s with all these ‘feminists’ who identify with Hills cos she’s a woman brave enough to challenge “the ultimate glass ceiling”? Really, you’re voting for just the highest-ranked vagina in the land, instead of vetting on Issues? You must be real proud.

Why are there still only four teams qualifying for the knock-out round of the Super 14? If anything, this season’s campaign has shown us the benefit of having at least a six-team playoff section in a FOURTEEN-team tourney. And I’m not just whinging cos the Stormers failed to qualify (on points-difference) but hey, if we expanded the competition, let’s expand the playoffs too. Food for thought, I reckon. And not just sour grapes.

How the hell are we supposed to survive this damn country anyway? A can of Castle Lager at the Scud & Nanny now costs 800 million dollars. EIGHT HUNDRED MILLIONS!!

You know what? I quit.

I am a drinking man.

We all know that. But with these new prices, it seems like I need to change my habits, or at least cut down in a major way.

But really, Kebab Centre, no fucking electricity? During the Bob Marley Commemoration weekend? I know, I know, you put the generator up so you could shift a few (curiously overpriced) beers, but come on! Surely you know someone at ZESA, it’s your biggest night of the year!!

Et tu, Book Cafe? SIX HUNDRED MILLION dollar cover charge? Granted, it’s only a couple of pints at the Scud (what the fuck?) but come on guys, if I want some Transit Crew in my life I don’t wanna leave all my beer shillings at the door, for fuck’s sakes.

And the Stormers fucking drew with the Waratahs. At home. I mean, seriously? Are you kidding me?

Anyway. I know Jah’ll never let us down.

John-Arne Riise scores a goal for Chelsea in the fourth minute of extra time. You couldn’t make it up.