RustyGate

So I went to Victoria Falls last week, via Bulawayo, and that trip was an eye-opener for sure. I learnt some lessons on this trip, and I thought I’d share a few.

1. Never make a 5-hour journey with the flu … there ain’t enough water in the world, and cokes get progressively dearer the farther you get from Harare.

2. Dont pay for dinner at Holiday Inn Bulawayo. Dodgy buffet, worryingly spiced-up chicken and poorly-trained waiters. Not clever. Ditto paying for Wi-Fi access - can you say “turtle”?

3. Plan to arrive in Vic Falls at either dawn or sunset, cos driving into sweltering heat at 1 pm is excruciating. Make sure to laugh at the locals huddled into their jerseys.

4. ‘Tourist resort’ is a rather loose term for a town with no tourists.

5. Leave married women alone. No matter how flirty they are, how much they claim to miss you or how sensualy they squeeze your hand when you greet them. There be dragons.

6. If your team is out of the final, root for the ref. Or anyone. If the fools you’re rooting for lose, you’re exposed to unnecessary ridicule. And no amount of Castles can save you.

7. When driving from Falls to Bulawayo, keep a close eye out for cattle standing in the middle of the road. And people standing in the middle of the road. And goats … etc.

8. If you went to Avondale flea market and picked up 10 random honies, you’d have a far better cast of models than the entire Miss Bulawayo Rainbow pageant.

9. Visions is to Bulawayo as Tipperary’s is to Harare.

10. There’s nothing better than a hot meal, a neck-rub and warm body after a long drive home.

This is an experiment. Like or don’t like?

Who is the monkey in charge of Burma? Seriously dude, you just need to take a chill-pill. We know you value your ’sovereignty’but come on, you’re in shit. Get help. People are offering help. Children are dying. Don’t be such a hard-arse. Even the Chinese are getting help.

What the fuck is going on down in South Africa, anyway? I’m not so sure this is just basic xenophobia at play now. It seems to me like impoverished masses are taking advantage of a few basic prejudices and resorting to criminality and mob protest. This isn’t about Zimbos and Malawians anymore - why are all these people so mad? Clean your shit up, Thabo Mbeki.

Where are the ANC heavies in all this, anyway? Where are the Tony Yengenis, the Tokyo Sexwales? Is it not evidence of a fractured party that there hasn’t been a unified response, a coming together of ANC leadership, an effort to visit these townships and calm the rioters whilst displaying solidarity with the victims of hate crime and citizens of brother states?

When will Hillary Clinton quit? Isn’t it interesting to note that it’s her, the Establishment, Female and now-Losing candidate, who has consistently played the race and gender cards, while her ‘inexperienced’ opponent has not? And what’s with all these ‘feminists’ who identify with Hills cos she’s a woman brave enough to challenge “the ultimate glass ceiling”? Really, you’re voting for just the highest-ranked vagina in the land, instead of vetting on Issues? You must be real proud.

Why are there still only four teams qualifying for the knock-out round of the Super 14? If anything, this season’s campaign has shown us the benefit of having at least a six-team playoff section in a FOURTEEN-team tourney. And I’m not just whinging cos the Stormers failed to qualify (on points-difference) but hey, if we expanded the competition, let’s expand the playoffs too. Food for thought, I reckon. And not just sour grapes.

How the hell are we supposed to survive this damn country anyway? A can of Castle Lager at the Scud & Nanny now costs 800 million dollars. EIGHT HUNDRED MILLIONS!!

You know what? I quit.

Life really isn’t like a box of chocolates at all. It’s more like a pair of shoes.

You spend the first part of your life sitting on display on a shelf, waiting for the constant parade of suitors to try you out for size. Most of whom will reject you after a brief twirl and a flutter. And then the cycle of rejection starts all over again.

Finally an enamoured paramour sweeps in to rescue you from a life of bargain bins and continuous knockoffs and invests in you as ‘a worthy purchase’. After that, it’s downhill all the way as they proceed to wear you down.

Leading to the ultimate rejection when after many years of battered and bruised loyal service, they trade you in for a newer, shinier, trendier version of what you used to be.

Even Jimmy Choo has a sell and wear-by date.