GreenGate

So I went to Victoria Falls last week, via Bulawayo, and that trip was an eye-opener for sure. I learnt some lessons on this trip, and I thought I’d share a few.

1. Never make a 5-hour journey with the flu … there ain’t enough water in the world, and cokes get progressively dearer the farther you get from Harare.

2. Dont pay for dinner at Holiday Inn Bulawayo. Dodgy buffet, worryingly spiced-up chicken and poorly-trained waiters. Not clever. Ditto paying for Wi-Fi access - can you say “turtle”?

3. Plan to arrive in Vic Falls at either dawn or sunset, cos driving into sweltering heat at 1 pm is excruciating. Make sure to laugh at the locals huddled into their jerseys.

4. ‘Tourist resort’ is a rather loose term for a town with no tourists.

5. Leave married women alone. No matter how flirty they are, how much they claim to miss you or how sensualy they squeeze your hand when you greet them. There be dragons.

6. If your team is out of the final, root for the ref. Or anyone. If the fools you’re rooting for lose, you’re exposed to unnecessary ridicule. And no amount of Castles can save you.

7. When driving from Falls to Bulawayo, keep a close eye out for cattle standing in the middle of the road. And people standing in the middle of the road. And goats … etc.

8. If you went to Avondale flea market and picked up 10 random honies, you’d have a far better cast of models than the entire Miss Bulawayo Rainbow pageant.

9. Visions is to Bulawayo as Tipperary’s is to Harare.

10. There’s nothing better than a hot meal, a neck-rub and warm body after a long drive home.