So I’ve spent the whole day looking for a cellphone. My razr, as razr’s do, has inexplicably bricked itself, so I’m in need of a new mobile.

So I bought the paper, phoned around, responded to a couple of dipleague chancers, and still nothing.

I replied some chick on dipleague, rushed to her office and she told me I was a few minutes too late. Really? You have my number dammit.

I called LM Cellphones, they said they’d deliver, only to call me in ther afternoon and tell me they don’t have it in stock. Really? I ended up going there, only for them to try sell me an LG Chocolate that was not new. Listen, the phone is scratched, how can you tell me it’s new? ARGH!

Back in the office, at 5pm, I noticed a URL on one of the newspaper ads. So I went to GlobeTrade Cellular, and a Samsung J700 was cheaper than all the other guys I’d tried all day. So I placed an order, but seeing it’s after 5pm, I decided to call.

Thirty minutes later, this guy’s brought me a brand new phone, I’ve filled out a warranty card and I’m sorted.

At least someone in Harare is still awake.

I dunno if you heard about the girl who was found raped and strangled in a field a couple of days after she disappeared from a gig at Arcadia Hall.

Well, the culprit, a kelvin Charles, is on trial for her rape and murder. His defence? Because I got high.

“I got hold of her by the chest, pushed her to the ground and she fell on her backside,” he said. “She did not expect it.”

O’Kelvin insisted on his defence of intoxication – he had sniffed cocaine and was drinking at the disco dance in Arcadia Hall.

So according to him, snorting coke and dorping are excuses for raping a teenage girl, then strangling her with his fucking belt because she threatened to tell.

I don’t know, Kelvin. You may claim diminished responsibility, but by 34 I scheme you should have enough sense regarding drugs and alcohol, and for a grown man to lure a young girl into a field and ask for a one-night stand? Seriously china.

Ek se, I don’t think torture is proscribed as a fitting punishment in Zimbabwe’s justice system, but in my opinion, Kelvin, you need a few hours in the tender care of Jack Bauer, or one of W’s CIA “contractors”.

You’re the worst of the worst, scum of the earth, and I hope they hang you by the neck until dead.

You have no fucking excuse.