Happy Birthday little one, hope you have lovely day!!

We can’t afford any presents, so please take this snapshot we took of you in lieu of payment, and watch out for our next paycheck.

Good morning ladies, and welcome to today’s edition of Party Political Propaganda ™ with me, your friendly neighbourhood State-run daily newspaper!

In today’s show we have enthusiasm! optimism! revisionism! (today is Ism Day) as we discuss reports of a new fertiliser subsidy to small-scale farmers.

But wait! What’s this? Government, through the Reserve Bank, has been effectively bankrolling these farmers for years, with both inputs and fuel? O you naysayers, puppets of Bush! Blair! Brown! (every day is B Day), don’t try and ruin this for us.

Malawi has produced 3,8 million tonnes of maize, the bulk of the crop coming from small-scale farmers who were supported to the tune of US$186 million.

What Malawi has achieved is not insurmountable as Zimbabwe almost hit the 3million kg mark when it produced 2,1 million tonnes of maize in 1993.

Almost? Almost. Really, “almost” is your word of choice? Really, unnamed Herald editorialist?

Let’s talk about almost for a bit – adjective, meaning “similar to”. How the fuck can 2.1 of anything be similar to 3? Question, if I have $2.1 fuckzillion zimbabwe dollars, do I almost have 3 fuckzillion?

But wait, why are we even debating it? Because, as far as we can see, Malawi produced three point EIGHT million tonnes of maize, and we only produced two point ONE million tonnes in 1993.

Do you know what 3.8m tonnes is? If our production in 1993 was 2.1, then double that is 4.2, yet Malawi have just produced 3.8m.

3.8m tonnes is ALMOST double what we produced in 1993. So what are we talking about? Are you almost out of your goddamn mind?

With this magnitude of support, which has been lacking in previous seasons, we believe our farmers are geared for maximum production, barring adverse weather conditions.

Caveat! Caveat! Adverse weather conditions! Oh darn those nasty-ass adverse weather conditions!!!  Darn you El Nino,  you bane of small-scale farmers everywhere, we haven’t even started farming yet but already you’re taking food from the mouths of our children!

Successive droughts and the politically induced sanctions have crippled farmers’ ability to secure inputs and get back the country to production levels of more than a decade ago.

Thar she blows! The s-word. Today they’re not “illegal”, they’re not “western”, but they are “politically induced”. No shit! Of course they’re politically induced, politicians from other countries don’t want certain politicians from this country visiting their countries because certain politicians from this country are accused of being murderous thieving bastards! (NB accused, Censor Guy).

We are convinced and encouraged by Government’s commitment and interest in capacitating small-scale farmers so that they are once again able to become the custodians of the country’s food security.

Yes, we are. I’m very convinced, but I have questions. When were small-scale farmers ever the “custodians of the country’s food security”. And when was the use of a present particle ever anything but awkward? Capacitating?

Maybe it was back in nineteen-gocha-nhembe when the country spanned the distance past your great-great-ancestor’s field to that other muhacha tree round the corner from that other churu there by the river there?

Our small-scale and communal farmers have always produced the bulk of the maize and cotton from small pieces of land.

Really? REALLY? So why, pray tell, did maize and cotton production virtually CEASE TO EXIST when we destroyed the commercial farming sector, hounding whites off our land? Surely with the increase in small-scale and communal farmers, our production should have immediately corrected to previous levels, with the new farmers picking up the slack where the whites fell of.

Ten points to Bra Eddie for pointing this out. Minus ten points to Bra Eddie for actually buying this fucking newspaper.

Score? Almost zero points.

I won’t lie to you, gentle reader (yes, I’m channeling The Herald, just bare with me) – I am real bored.

Their was a time I would take the young lady to Eastgate movie-house, to catch one of the many popular flicks on show. Now the weather and general decay has taken the toll and I no longer visit the bioscope.

There was a time one could easily go into the local video club and hire a couple of DVDs but that is like playing the Lotto and quality is not a guaranteed!

So I have been watching downloaded films (not by me, Anti-Piracy Guy), but most of them are rubbish and I cunt remember when I last watched a thrilling flick.

Hang on, I watched The Hurt Locker the other day, and that was one splendid movie. If you haven’t watch it, please haste to your nearest vendor and acquire that flick. It’s great! Best movie I have seen in years, and I see a LOT of movies.

Okay, seriously now, what is all this shit coming out? Transformers, Duplicity, Underworld, Wolverine, Race to Bitch Mountain, blah blah, all rubbish brain-dead nonsense.

Remember, like, movies? You know, Notting Hill, Broken Arrow, Meet Joe Black, The Mummy, Con Air, motherfucking Face/Off? Remember that, when screenwriters at least gave us credit for having brains, and people still made original shit instead of diving into history for remake fodder.

Judas Priest, they made a second Pink Panther. Really. REALLY?

Ignore me, I’m just bored. At least there’s a few good series – Dollhouse, Castle, Mentalist, Dresden Files …

… guess I’ll just have to wait for District 9 to come out.

I get annoyed, I really do. Christians, Muslims, Hindus, the lot of you, caught in this endless struggle against others and amongst yourselves.

Your neighbour may be your closest friend but still, if he doesn’t pray to the same “god” as you do then he’s misguided by the forces of evil and will suffer a horrible torment for eternity or whatever your chosen form of punishment.

I’m sick and tired of seeing Christian soldiers burn and loot their way across the middle east, blowing shit up and bombing whole nations to rubble just so they can appease their own imperialistic goals masked in quasi-religious dogma.

I’m tired of seeing European Jews bulldoze their way across Palestine, subjugating an entire people in a tiny strip of what was once a proud nation, all with the tacit approval and material support of what should be civilized states held hostage by shadowy multi-national purse-strings.

And yes, I’m sick of Islamic fundamentalists bombing their way around the world, pushing back against the erosion of their ancient cultures by reverting to base evil in attempts to do good, mangling innocent bodies in a bid to horrify their enemies into withdrawal.

I’m even more sick of you, my friend, telling me to come to your church and sing and dance and donate money so your pastor can fill up his fucking Mercedes, while you beg me for a ride in my dodgy little car just to get home after.

Your hypocrisy annoys me, all of you. You are either extremely foolish or dangerously vacuous, to be whipped into such religious fervor that you rush yourselves into jihad or holy war or crusade, never stopping to think how evil begets evil, slaughter begets slaughter and no matter how many Arab children your beloved Israelis may kill, they will never be legitimate in the eyes of anyone with half a brain and eyes to see.

You may think you’re doing the lord’s work, but let me let you in on a little secret, you murdering bastards.

You’re all going to fucking hell, and I’ll be laughing through my screams.

If there is such a place.

Wow. Know when a photo just brings back a flood of memories? This was taken in Durban, outside the Pirates club on North Beach.

That was one hell of a rugby tour, and loads of fun was had. I can’t believe I was that young once, all innocent and handsome. A little cocky too, head tilted to the side and shit.

For those who don’t know, I’m in the middle of the pic, 5th from left in the front row.

Recognise, bitches!