So H-Metro is rubbish – we all know that. The problem is, we tend to believe the stuff we see in it. That’s because some of their stories are straight out of the court record, and they’re funny as hell. So we read it. And some of us actually buy it.

Today’s H-Metro, though, has a blatantly fake front-page story, and a sharp-eyed workmate (with the memory of an elephant, apparently) clued us in.

In 2009 a scandal broke out in Tanzania. See, there was this website called zeutamu.com which used to, well, do tabloid shit. They posted naked and compromising pictures of celebs and politicians, but many of these were Photoshop jobs.

The last straw was when they did this to President Kikwete, and were promptly shut down and the owner arrested (in Essex, UK). By Interpol, no less.

Right. So in today’s headline story, H-Metro claim there’s a Zimbabwean woman named Caroline Masaraure who posts naked pictures to her Facebook. She’s allegedly also a member of UFI Ministries, founded by the infamous “Prophet” Emmanuel Makandiwa. Irrelevant, but there you go.

Now, barring the fact that naked pictures don’t last a day on Facebook, one of the photos has “Caroline” posing with a girl my mate had seen before.

On zeutamu.com, no less.

BUT, and here’s the big butt, we did find other pics and discussions of the other girl in the photos. After a lot (I mean, a lot) of research, we eventually found out that the light girl is named Nsia Swai, she is indeed Tanzanian, she’s kind of a celebrity, she sued 5 tabloids because of these pictures, and H-Metro is full of shit.

So what’s the story here? Did H-Metro reporter Nigel Pfunde do this himself, create a fake person and mould a tabloid story around it, so they could sell newspapers with naked girls on the front?

Or did someone create a fake Facebook profile and hoodwink H-Metro into believing this hogwash?

Either way, that’s fucked up.

As a thirtysomething male, I’ve (allegedly) watched my share of porn. However, over the years one important question has continually arisen; who the fuck are the seemingly tens of thousands of random women who apparently have no problem being photographed with a penis in their mouth?

Porn stars are one thing (they DO get paid for it) but it’s safe to say there is considerably more amateur debauchery out there than anything else, and I simply can’t fathom who these everyday women are that have no problem being photographed / videotaped chewing and screwing!

Considering the sheer number, you’d think I’d have come across at least one of them in my time. Not that I even have a regular desire to have on-screen sex; just the fact that there are countless women who will gladly gargle a load or eagerly be cummed on, all for the benefit of some pervert watching on their computer, is mind-blowing.

Some of the funniest scenes have to be when a girl is blowing a guy, and clearly trying to eyefuck the camera. Let’s think about this for a second – I once read that many women consider oral sex to be even more intimate than fornication, and I can’t say it’s all that surprising.

Is there anything more inherently sexual, graphic and empowering than sticking one’s penis, the source of a man’s greatest pleasure (and semen delivery hose) down a woman’s throat, her vehicle for eating, tasting and communication? By getting head you are literally shutting a girl the up!

Blowjobs are also one of the more unique sexual acts – men can jerk off, and while the act itself is nowhere near the experience of actual coitus, it’s at least something of an approximation. But unless you’re insanely flexible, chances are you can’t suck your own dick.

The sense of authority a guy feels shoving his unit in a girl’s mouth coupled with the feeling of power the female can derive from pleasuring him in a way he can only dream of makes getting head that much more sexually gratifying for both* parties. [*citation needed LOL]

Back to the matter at hand. What makes these women think it’s sexy to eyefuck the camera? Do they think the jerk (off) on the other end will find it hot? Correct me if I’m wrong, but there are few more ridiculous sights than a girl trying to look photogenic while inhaling a penis.

You have a cock in your mouth, sweetie; this really is no time to pose.

What is it about threesomes that fascinates me so much? I have been watching episodes of Spartacus: Gods of the Arena recently, and they’re really going hard (pun!) with this three-in-a-bed thing.

Needless to say, I’m uninitiated in the thrills of being ministered to by a brace of females. Although I have had my fair share of sexual experiences, I’ve never had the opportunity (or cash-flow) to have two women at the same time.

I do know people who have had the pleasure (rah!) and I can’t help notice a discrepancy in testimony. The guys all swear by it (it’s awesome! lekker!  amazing! four breasts!) whilst the women tend to be a little circumspect – apparently there’s always some sort of emotion and jealousy and self-awareness involved (does he like her more? are her tits bigger? is he enjoying her more?).

What about the devil’s threesome? You know, two guys and one girl. I wouldn’t like it myself, the threat of even a momentary crossing of swords makes my skin crawl! Ewww.

Look, I’m no prude, I have done a little tag-team wrestling in my time, but somehow I’ve never managed to hack the whole menage-a-troi thing. And I fear it may be too late, but the potential for complication may just mean it’s not worth it.

I just wish Spartacus would stick to simple straight fucking, dammit.

Makes me wonder what I’m missing.

I’m not going to mince my words. I don’t know what went on in your life this past year. I don’t know what you achieved or what you failed, what you gained or what you lost – I just know one thing.

2010 sucked.

My personal goals were all fucked. It was like a conspiracy. My travel plans never materialised, my relationship plans went to shit, personal development went down the toilet.

Professional goals? Forget about it. Circumstances conspired to severely curtail the expansion of my personal business. I did manage to initiate and complete a major project at work, but … I did my fucking job. That’s it.

I mean seriously, to miss a Football World Cup on my goddamn doorstep? Unforgivable.

Yeah, there’s nobody to blame but myself, so for 2011, it’s all about me. I’m looking out for number one, cos I’m tired of this shit.

Watch out.