Herald printed: hilarity ensues

I love reading The Herald – I maintain a portal that has to stay up-to-date with latest news, so when they update their website, I have to read it.

Today, I actually bought the print version (for the classifieds; long story). And in the spirit of sharing, thought I’d highlight a couple of interesting things.

EIGHT women believed to be cross-border traders were last Thursday night robbed and stripped naked in Marondera by four suspected men who had offered them a lift from Forbes Border Post in Mutare.

Did you notice that? Four suspected men. Not four male suspects. Or even just four men. Four suspected men. Now, if we’re suspecting these criminals of being men, they must have had serious wardrobe issues. Or they could have been disguised as buxom mielie ladies, a la Leon Schuster. I now have this vision of cross-dressing hardcases terrorising the poor folks of Marondera. English lessons, Herald. English.

It just felt so good to see Coventry and her teammates Hill, Brand and Felgate getting on the floor, dancing to Tuku and Mukanya’s music.

So not only was this guy so very chuffed at being in Beijing (with the First Lady, apparently); the sight of white people dancing to Oliver and Thomas, well … you’d think he could have dedicated some of this breathless coverage to the entire Games, not just the final gig. Eh? oh.

O Zimpapers. You entertain me, you do.

25 Comments

  • Joe Black

    25 August, 2008 at 14:19 pm

    MDC-T takes the Speaker post, apparently. ZPF voted alone.

  • Eleanor

    25 August, 2008 at 15:03 pm

    seems that one of the ZPF okes voted MDC-T. do you think he was aware of what he was doing? coz those clowns are famous for being asleep when things are being debated.

  • dhlaks

    25 August, 2008 at 16:16 pm

    i think that if u look at the count its 110 to 98 there’s 1 vote missing from each which shld be the guy who was nominated methinks…

    mdc-t has 100 seats
    zpf has 99 seats
    mdc-m has 10 seats
    and john’s got the last seat so it adds up

  • Joe Black

    25 August, 2008 at 16:22 pm

    Erm, there’s one MDC MP-elect who was arrested and didn’t return, remember?

  • dhlaks

    25 August, 2008 at 16:25 pm

    was there a zpf missing then??

  • Joe Black

    25 August, 2008 at 16:27 pm

    Why are you asking me?

  • dhlaks

    25 August, 2008 at 16:29 pm

    coz u are in the know

  • Eleanor

    25 August, 2008 at 16:44 pm

    Saka dhlaks wati ndiribharanzi ka handigoni kuverenga.

    So the one guy was arrested on ‘rape charges’. They must have a list, compiled by who knows which powers that be, and they have to tick one off as and when they use it. Mmmm, so for today’s gerrymandering and shenanigans, mmm, how about rape? let’s try that one on for size.

  • dhlaks

    25 August, 2008 at 16:55 pm

    El your words not mine 🙂

    /me ducks for cover now

    i refuse to answer those questions on the grounds that i do not know the answers…..

  • Joe Black

    25 August, 2008 at 22:47 pm

    I bet there’s a little witch-hunt going on in ZPF … this secret ballot business is dangerous, eh?

  • Buffdaddy

    26 August, 2008 at 10:24 am

    How about the rope a dope? Zanu PF (Arthur) made Zanu PF (Robert) believe that they wanted their own oke to be the speaker and made a “pact” but then they voted for Morgan’s oke.

    Another reading of that would be Zanu PF (A) members of the house didn’t vote according to party lines. That version is much more fun.

    Legalise – Zim journalist, all of them – private and public are poorly trained.

  • Joe Black

    26 August, 2008 at 10:28 am

    LOL BD come on, legaliSe is the proper English form. Only Dumbamericans use a Z instead of an S, which is becoming more common. But is not proper. 🙂

    I’m bored with all this now. Something happen.

  • Eleanor

    26 August, 2008 at 12:03 pm

    Instead of waiting for shit to happen why dont you take out your lengthy ‘ladle’ JB and stir up some shit.

    Buffdaddy, have you not joint the movement to LEGALISE marijuana yet zvemurimi vacho varikusunungura ma rasta.

  • Joe Black

    26 August, 2008 at 12:19 pm

    BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Nice one Elle, very nicely done. Smack! Lol.

    So the MDC have resolved not to attend the opening of parliament. They do not want to be addressed by a member of an “illegitimate exectutive”.

    Okay.

  • Minnie Mouse

    27 August, 2008 at 09:03 am

    and the opening of parliament was quite something. i caught just a bit of the footage but it was enough. eish.

  • Buffdaddy

    27 August, 2008 at 11:19 am

    Was almost roflmao that Bob oke saw fire yesterday. He hasn’t such an electric occasion since the Law and Order section putting electric cables on his balls.

    Wut goes around comes around.

    Heard in parliament Bob: We must get rid of sanctions. Response: Newewo.

    As Nutaniel Manheru says ICHO!

  • Joe Black

    27 August, 2008 at 11:31 am

    I almost felt sorry for the old man, really. They really gave him hell. Anyway, we;re back to talks now.

  • Minnie Mouse

    27 August, 2008 at 12:57 pm

    i wonder if anything will come of that. and the speculation continues….

  • Joe Black

    27 August, 2008 at 13:39 pm

    Doubt there’s gonna be any positive outcome. Vese varikusunga zvinhu, both sides. Hard headed, the lot of ’em.

  • Anonymous

    27 August, 2008 at 13:55 pm

    On the American front, someone was looking to take a shot at Obama. The guy should definitely become President now.

  • Eleanor

    27 August, 2008 at 15:23 pm

    How does that saying go, the one about the fish rotting from the head:

    Mugabe criticised his former Cabinet strongly on Wednesday.

    “The Cabinet that I had was the worst in history. They [only] look at themselves, they are unreliable,”

    or maybe a large dose of people in glass houses.

    Anonymous, you really think that the ‘assassination threat’ was credible. Come now, these rednecks that ‘cling to guns and religion’ could have taken him out from a mile away if they had wanted to. They pop out of the womb toting those guns.

  • Joe Black

    27 August, 2008 at 16:06 pm

    Ahem, apparently those guys were so high on that meth, the DA said there was no chance they could have pulled it off.

    Now let some niggas high on that weed get anywhere near John McCain with an Escalade full of Tec 9s … those niggers will be in the electric chair before anyone can say racis…

  • Eleanor

    27 August, 2008 at 17:09 pm

    So Hillary sang all her lines like a good little choir girl should. Is anyone convinced?

  • Tara

    27 August, 2008 at 23:00 pm

    Eleanor, there ain’t nothing to believe. Whether Hill believes in whatever spiel she regurgitated or not, she had no choice. You think she could have stood up there and said ‘Vote McCain’?

    Just occurred to me how different things probably would have turned out had Gore run.

    And JB, I doubt anyone thinks McCain is worth the effort. Besides, assassination isn’t the black man’s MO. Well, unless he is after another black man (I refer you to the story of Malcolm X or your average African dictator).

  • Joe Black

    28 August, 2008 at 09:38 am

    Greetings, fellow Happy Mutants. So, things are going smoothly in Denver, and we all await the resounding finale tonight. Oh-kay.

    On the home front, plans are afoot to celebrate my 29th next week, that should be interesting if all the chips fall into place.

    And fun and games, cos apparently there’s a certain MDC-T MP who is alleged to have raped his relative. Hmmmm. But there’s actual no evidence to be supporting this charge, eh? Hmmmmmm.

    Another lovely day in Africa, Happy Mutants. Life continues apace.