RustyGate

I’ve done some low-down dirty shit in my life. So have you, my friend. We all have.

People do bad things to the ones they love. We lie to them, we cheat, we steal from them and betray their trust. Sometimes we do these things just as they’ve been done to us. Other times we do them in revenge.

The only way we survive and move on with our lives and our loves is through forgiveness. Therapeutic as it may be to lash out, seek revenge or pull away, forgiveness is the key to happiness.

I’m not trying to sound like some guru, and this is not a sermon. I’m just saying, from my experience, that those who hurt us sometimes deserve second chances. Or third, fourth etc ad infinitum.

The same way we occasionally fuck up, so do others. If you feel slighted beyond redemption, then don’t lash out, forgive, accept, leave. Kuphela.

We can’t treat every relationship like a last chance saloon.

Hurting someone because they hurt you just perpetuates the cycle, really. Get over it, get yourself together, and try make things work with that person.

Or leave, quietly please. Damn.

I hate computers I hate computers I hate computers I hate computers I hate computers I hate computers I hate computers I hate computers I hate computers I hate computers I hate computers I hate computers I hate computers I hate computers I hate computers I hate computers I hate computers I hate computers!

And if you don’t hate computers, computers will hypnotise you and cut out your liver and eat it in front of your face and rip out your pituitary gland through your nasal cavity * and swallow your newborn babies and curse your name for generations.

Why, oh why, couldn’t I have been a goddamn FIREMAN?!? **

* Forgive the gore, I’ve been watching Fringe - Awe. Some. Ness.
** I’m not implying firemen can’t or don’t use computers. I just think if your job involves lugging a huge hose and shooting your splooge at burning shit, you don’t have much time for C# ***. Just saying.
*** No, I have no clue what C# is. It just sounds cool and computery.

Thank you. Thank you so much guys. No really, it’s okay, no need to be modest. Well done. Really though, lips off my penis, you’re the winners here.

Congratulations on your “migration” of all Business Partna contract customers to a new “exclusive” prepaid platform. Well done, and thank you.

I’ve always had a dud cellphone line, what with my Libertie line hardly being able to making any calls. Ever. And barely able to recharge using the banking SMS system. Or the recharge cards, sold in Zim dollars.

That wasn’t enough for me. The convenience of a contract line, which could actually make FUCKING PHONE CALLS, and international ones too, was too much for me.

Thank you for revoking what can only have been a priviledge, bestowed upon our unworthy souls only by the benevolence of O Mighty Strive (my well-deserved Arsehole of the Week) and his loyal minions.

Now that I can neither make a call nor even top-up the line using either Kingdom or CABS, I can only be grateful for the dent in my working and social calendars. I owe you a debt of gratitude.

Thank you for being SO inspired to change my world, you Econet motherfuckers. You’ve made my life worthwhile.

Let the good times roll.

How do you have TWO people sharing a ministry?

Once again, SADC “leaders” have shown themselves to be a bunch of blind, power-drunk farts whose allegiance is not to the people of the region but to discredited revolutionaries.

Anyone who’s been paying attention will realise that the people, who explicitly voted for the MDC, are being short-changed by whatever “deal” is being pushed by these bastards in their posh suits and air-conditioned limos.

How about, uhm, I don’t know, an EQUITABLE distribution of key cabinet posts? Oh wait, that would also be unfair, as surely MDC-T should get the lion’s share, while the OPPOSITION Zanu-PF should be getting fewer?

What kind of power-sharing deal can be arranged when one of the parties is so hell-bent on holding on to power, even though he’s so blatantly without a mandate and has sufered rejection on both the policy and ideology fronts.

And how the FUCK do you have two ministers for the Home Affairs portfolio? Someone, anyone, tell me if this makes any goddamn sense.

And someone at The Herald needs to wake the up.

I generally don’t care what people think or say.

In fact, I’m a pretty stubborn bastard, and though I listen to other people’s opinions (sometimes to a fault) I tend to beat my own path through the junglie of life.

But some people are just constant annoyances, always badgering about shit that’s none of their bidness. Like, get your own life, motherfucker.

Listen, I have a lot of friends. Female ones, too. I go out with them often. So yeah, you’ll see me out with girls.

The problem is this. Some niggers just don’t seem to have sex lives of their own, and like to live vicariously through others. Like, how you gonna ask me if I “fucked that item I was with” the other day?

How you gonna ask me “kana chainaka here” or if she broke my bones? How the fuck do you speculate on “how hard I hit it” or “kanenge kanochemerera“? How the fuck?

You don’t know WHO I’m with, or WHERE she came from, but automagically assume I’m such a playa I *gots* to be hittin’ that. Like, what the fuck?

Listen, people. Some of y’all need to get your own damn lives, and have the decency and respect to keep your conversations to soccer or Gideon Gono or Obama or whatever other mundane shit we have in common. You don’t know me!

I’ve cooked up a word for some of these niggers. Hater-osexuals. Cos they ain’t having any sex of their own, so they gots to hate on those who are.

But just in case the boundaries aren’t clear to anyone, let me simplify this shit.

If I don’t know your surname (and vice versa), you are not my friend.

Get back motherfucker, you don’t know me like that.