Everybody hurts somebody sometime
I’ve done some low-down dirty shit in my life. So have you, my friend. We all have.
People do bad things to the ones they love. We lie to them, we cheat, we steal from them and betray their trust. Sometimes we do these things just as they’ve been done to us. Other times we do them in revenge.
The only way we survive and move on with our lives and our loves is through forgiveness. Therapeutic as it may be to lash out, seek revenge or pull away, forgiveness is the key to happiness.
I’m not trying to sound like some guru, and this is not a sermon. I’m just saying, from my experience, that those who hurt us sometimes deserve second chances. Or third, fourth etc ad infinitum.
The same way we occasionally feck up, so do others. If you feel slighted beyond redemption, then don’t lash out, forgive, accept, leave. Kuphela.
We can’t treat every relationship like a last chance saloon.
Hurting someone because they hurt you just perpetuates the cycle, really. Get over it, get yourself together, and try make things work with that person.
Or leave, quietly please. Damn.
But you gotta admit that revenge makes it that much easier to forgive. Otherwise, you end up stewing. And when you stew, bygones are never bygones. Do people ever truly forgive? Because true forgiveness means that the issue is treated as if it never happened. They forget it ever happen. But does anyone ever do that. Because as far as I know, each time Joe does something wrong Girl A, Girl A may ‘forgive’ Joe, but she ain’t ever forgetting. She will always bare in mind that betrayal or whatever. Why, because there is that thing known as learning. Each time you are betrayed or disappointed, your trust in that perpetrator becomes that much smaller. You know what they are capable of and there is no way of getting away from that.
My point is, you can ‘forgive’, but you can never forget. Which in turn means, you can never truly forgive.
Which is why I’d never kid myself into thinking I could carry on a relationship with someone who cheated ala Clinton, Beckham etc.
Then you can never be happy. Yes, forgetting is hard, and I daresay impossible.
But you do have to let it go, wholeheartedly, otherwise you have no choice but to quit.
i think it depends on whether you keep having to forgive the same thing. So if you know that certain things you do are hurtful to a person and you keep expecting to be forgiven for the same sins, then like TKZee sang ‘hapana chance’. For example a man who beats on his woman, or cheats on her, forgiving his behaviour is tantamount to condoning it. Women do their fair share of shit to men too, so they are not entirely blameless either.
Funny you dindit see fit to support your last comment with an example Elle.
I guess following on from Eleanor’s comment, the fogivable things are those you are prepared to risk happening again. I can forgive someone forgetting my birthday because it happening again wouldn’t be so bad. Because there is a chance that it will. But, being cheated on? I couldn’t bare it happening again, thus cutting my losses there and then.
Sometimes people learn from seeing your pain – like, seeing how badly you’re affected by things they do makes them want to change cuz they don’t want to feel so guilty again.
Forgiveness calls on the humanity of the trangressor, revenge calls on their ego. And thus starts a vicious cycle.
*transgressor
To hit the nail on the head and call a spade a spade; one needs to let bygones be bygones and consider it water under the bridge….feeling clichey there…
To use possibly the worst (though probably most common…lol…) transgression:
After having cheated and been forgiven by some and not forgiven by others; and after having been cheated on, and forgiven some and not forgiven others; I think that forgiveness depends not so much on the nature of the transgression but on the sincerity of the person seeking forgiveness.
A heartfelt sincere apology and more importantly a total submission to whatever consequences may result, will disarm even the most vengeful “transgressee”… for this to work you have to BE sorry. ie no defensiveness, rationalizing etc of what you did, just a simple, “I fucked up and I hurt you, Im sorry.”
And a suitable period of penance. Usually in the form of … ahem … reproductive sanctions.
hehe, hmmm, for both parties or only for the transgressee…?
Coz the aggrieved gets shit done to them then they also get deprived of…
I have always felt withholding sex to be counterproductive. You don’t want to give it up at home but you are then expecting him not to go and look for it elsewhere, talk about setting yourself up for a fall. Especially if he is the wandering eye and straying dick type, why give him even more reason to dip his toes elsewhere? Because we all know how that shit can be turned around to make it your fault for denying him his things. he’d probably been looking for just cause and then you go and end up handing him supposed legitimacy on a silver plate. I can hear the feminist gallery squealing in indignant rage already, but that’s the tragedy of many real life situations.
reminds me of the house wife who tells her husband, “…if you gonna come home at 2:00am whenever you feel like it, thats fine, just know that sex shall happen in this house every night at 8:00pm.”
True, denying a shag is risky at best, if you deny a man a shag, if he can, he WILL get it somewhere else. Us men dont need much prompting in that regard… and when we cant justify it, we just resort to , “I dont know, it just happened.” oh, and those with the straying appendages are the norm…lol..
On the flipside, Im not one, and I dont know any of my boys, to let ANY fight get in the way of giving the missus her things. We do not get THAT angry…lol..
Do people really feel that ‘the wandering eye and straying dick type’ is worth bothering with? Fine, I can forgive them, but only if relationship is over.
lol, talk about terms of business Tara 🙂
Im terribly outnumbered here…JB, Andy, Anonymous…anyone? lol…
@Tara – I guess we all decide what to put up with in a reltnshp and generally cheating is THE defining line.
A relationship is just never the same after that…there is just something about knowing whats yours IS yours…
But then again (yes there always is a catch..), the odds of two people hooking up and neither cheating are terribly close to nought.
Yeah, people do cheat, but not ALL people. It’s about what you’re willing to accept, and how you handle things if you do discover a transgression.
I’d rather have someone leave than cheat.
Exactly!
i’d rather leave someone than cheat on them
you know, Tara, i usually read your comments and you make me smile or laugh, and today i read them and felt as though you were writing from my heart. & Mos Native, however sincere his sorry is, your ‘acceptance’ and trying to move on just shows him he can get away with a bloody sorry. i’ll say it helps, but it won’t undo any amount of cheating or hurting. Like Tara, i need the relationship to be over if i’m gonna forgive him or i’ll kill him :-). its hard enough to deal with it with him in your space. and JB, you don’t just go quietly wen someone has crushed your world and pierced your heart with a million knives.
But it’s a choice, innit? You can choose to forgive, or choose to hold a grudge and bring out the knives etc?
Um, thanks Minnie?!
JB, please do me a favour, let go of this forgiveness notion. You sound like someone who constantly finds himself in situations where he needs forgiveness. 🙂
When did forgiveness become just a “notion”? It’s the best solution, I’m not saying most people (or you) find much use for it when you’re hurt. But you know I’m right.
World Peace, a notion (an odd or fanciful or capricious idea), is the best solution, but we all know that it will never happen. We wish for it, but never actually believe it will actually happen.
But I shan’t argue any more! It’s like a devout Christian and an atheist arguing whether God exists.
Being cheated on hurts, thats why you get crimes of passion (heh…if ever there was a paradoxical phrase!) every week and wives going mad… JB, believe me, MM’s knives are persistent little pricks. Like Bob, hatwuende…
There are relationships that are easier to walk away from, then there are those girls mama warned you about, that mangle you and leave you a twisted wreck…
Twisted wreck. That’s for sure. But going nutty ain’t the solution.
No its not…Went to DUT in Durban; there is a 7-story lecture block with 4 atriums and a balcony surrounding each; they put safety nets on the first floor coz jilted Indian students chucking themselves off the top balconies regularly…those boys seriously need to discover comfort shags and MOVING ON!!!
Mos Nav, you sure they killing themselves over girls. Because Indians tend to go arranged which usually works out for the guy very well.
Not if u’re the guy thats been in love with the girl for 5 years then find out she’s planned for someone else!
They didnt fall over like lemmings but it would happen at least twice a year….
Arranged. That, like, sucks, dude.
Totally… also heard from a “happily” married woman whose opinion i respect, “…regardless who you marry, all marriages end up crap.”
If anyone after the 5 year mark believes themselves to be ‘happily’ married, there is shit they are not facing up to. Unless happily means that you have just managed not to kill each other or have some acrimonious divorce.
i think marriage, like religion, is one of those things that society, particularly family, should not impose on children.
One of the saddest events is witnessing a young woman approaching 20-something and believing shit! im not married and she dashes off and marries the next guy that comes along that vaguely fits the bill.
let people grow up, discover religions, marriage, political affiliations etc and then make rational, adult and most importantly, wise decisions whether to join the fray….or not.
But alas…
It’s the great curse of our generation – having to live up to the expectations of an arcane society, whilst trying to adapt to a rapidly evolving environment.
Personally, I can’t afford to buy a wife right now. Simple! Any idea how many girls are marrying themselves these days?
hey, dunno how my last post had me as Anonymous? hmmm, them gremlins…
JB, dude, its a minefield out there, DANGER!!! Meet a girl, week later she hinting about the “future”. ok…being a bit dramatic, but point is, I would SO, for once, want to be in a relationship and not feel like Im just being humoured as a prerequisite to her getting what she really wants… kuroorwa zvakanaka and “imba yake”.
And no, Im not afraid of commitment, I got a lifetime gym contract…lol…