How to marry your Zimbabwean boyfriend

Love is a wonderful thing. Seeing two people in love gives me the warm squishies every time. Sometimes it ends in marriage – often it doesn’t. Now I’m not the greatest advocate of marriage, gosh knows I have varying issues with it, and always viewed the institution with skepticism.

But knowing that loads of my sisters would love to get wedded and not just bedded, and understanding the value a good marriage can bring to this mahurepolis called Harare, I’ve decided to assist.

For those of my sisters failing to follow through, here are a few pointers on how to convert that Bastard Guy into husband material, cos it’s not rocket science.

1. He’s the man. Repeat after me: He Is The Man. So you earn more than he does. So you have a nicer car. So he’s a lodger with nothing to his name; he’s still the man. Treat him as such, and he’ll value you forever. Pamper him; call him daddy; nudge him gently along but don’t push; make him think he’s doing what he wants even when he isn’t; make him feel like a king. Men want to be kings, and if we can’t be kings of the world, let us be kings of you. If you do, we’ll treat you like the queen you (think you) are.

2. He doesn’t want a mother, but wants to be his father. True, he may act like you’re mommy, especially when he has a hangover, but the truth is that our moms are the bosses of us, and we don’t want that in a wife. His dad was the boss growing up, and that’s what he knows. His father ruled the household, and that’s the way it should be. Give him that.

3. He’s right. I know this is a tough one, cos truthfully, we’re often wrong, but bear with me. If you’re arguing and he’s losing, he’ll throw a tantrum, and will probably do something stupid. You don’t want that. You want him to feel like a winner, so no matter how wrong he is – he’s right. Even if he’s lost the argument, make him think he’s won at least something. Concede on one of the points, so he doesn’t walk away feeling sour. Men are children, and when we sulk, we do stupid shit.

4. His decision is final. Again, very contentious. A difference of opinion is fine, but no man wants to spend the rest of his life following his wife’s lead. Not at home. That shit won’t fly. Differ on the restaurant, the club, the car, the movie, whatever, and if you can’t sway him to your side of the argument, defer. Use your Boob Power as a last resort, but if you fail, defer to his manly judgement. But don’t sulk, cos then he’ll think you’re being a whiny baby.

5. Balls. Men love their balls. We love having ’em, hanging down there as a testament to our ballsiness. Screaming at us shrinks them. Snide remarks and sarcasm shrivel them to tiny raisins. Injure a man’s pride, and you injure his balls. Never a good thing. Imagine stroking our pride as if you have those two squishy balls in your hands – be very gentle, cos squeezing too hard hurts like hell, and letting go leaves ’em neglected. That’s our ego. Massage it, stroke it, and we’ll reward you immensely. Licking helps, too.

Now, before the bitch brigade takes offence at anything in the list above, please understand I’m not pretending to be the oracle of all things manly. Yes, no woman needs a man to validate her existence. No, marriage is not the be-all and end-all of a woman’s ambition. No, a woman is not a slave to her man’s whims.

I’m just trying to help those who don’t understand how, time and again, what seems a promising relationship ends up in the growing list of wrecked promises. Please direct any hollow cries of “misogynist” at the middle finger of my left hand.

Now go forth and snare your idiot, Empress – by making him think he’s the Emperor of all he surveys.

Start with the balls.

29 Replies to “How to marry your Zimbabwean boyfriend”

  1. Totally agree, a lot of sistas would not but face it, these are the facts of life and the more we argue and fight against them, the less happy we become. we become those women who have nothing good to say about their men or men in general – it’s always the guy messing up but if we are honest with ourselves ladies, we mess up big time! So Joe, this is you and me agreeing, savor it – i don’t see it happening much, lol. And ladies, count to ten before hitting a tantrum, dude has got valid points here.

  2. I shall bask in the light of your validation, my beautiful sister 🙂 And of course your expertise is appreciated, considering you managed to ‘snare’ your own Superman from a wonderful family!

  3. Preach preacher! coz just because you’re fighting it, it doesn’t mean it’s not the truth.

  4. Just read. Good thing I ain’t looking to get married. If I wasn’t sure about marrige before, I am now. It definitely ain’t for me.

    Can I just add, to the sistas out there, chingoshingirirai during the courtship. Once the papers are signed, the rules of the game CAN (and, actually, usually) change. 🙂 (Yet another reason not to get marrried!)

    JB, Skriff, I ain’t touching this one. I have long since learnt my lesson. I am getting better at fighting my battles. I’m just looking forward to “How to marry your Zimbabwean GIRLFRIEND”.

  5. Yah, that would be an interesting one, although I couldn’t possibly write it myself, since I don’t have the perspective.

    Although, you do know that the dynamics are skewed violently in favour of the guys, and it’s easier for the guys to pick and choose than the ladies themselves.

    I don’t if it’s traditional dynamics at play, but the guys have always kind of had the upper hand regarding this business of initiating the marriage thing.

    How many bitter stories have we heard of some woman who had a boyfriend, and just when she thought it was all good and he was ready, turns out he WAS ready … to marry someone else.

    It ain’t fair, I know, but it is the way it is.

  6. eish, the number of stories I could tell about that scenario. The one friend of mine went out with this guy for almost 10 years (partly since high school). she gets pregnant in her 20s, he tells her get an abortion. a year later, he has moved to Botswana for work but they are still ‘dating’, found a new girlfriend, got her pregnant and married her. As kicks in the teeth go, you are looking for replacement dentures by that stage.

  7. That’s why this shit ain’t fair, but we need to face reality – if you sisters are gonna get this shit done, you need to take it from us guys.

  8. Strongly disagree. Like a wise woman once said, when asked by some fool what she was going to do with all them breasts inside her shirt, “I’ma make make make make you work. Make you work work, make you work.” Not vice versa. As if there is anything else for it.
    But it really boggles the mind, how the dynamics change over the course of a relationship. The guy usually does most of the grunt work to break the ice. Once a relationship’s established, somehow, the burden is on the woman, with the man getting a smooth ride. Once the guy ‘puts her out of her misery’ by proposing, I couldn’t tell you what the hell goes on thereafter, given I’m a bastard, so no example to refer to. Whatever the case, none of it makes sense. It is not rational. If, and when, a woman decides she wants to get married, she should get her desired result from the man she’s with at the time, or move on and start afresh. Yes, that means even being the one to DIY (pop the question). If you’re going to be passive about it, fine. Just make sure you are blatantly clear about what you want. If you are clear, and he don’t get the message, then he ain’t ready for it, and it is probably best to part ways there and then. No use being in a relationship where two people are in different places. NO, under no circumstances are we allowed to go on the assumption that he’ll change his mind. It never works out! I don’t believe guys are THAT knowingly sadistic (at least in this situation). They don’t delay popping the question they are always gon pop, just to make you sweat. They don’t ask it because they don’t want to do what they are asking. If the guy is not interested in asking because they don’t wanna, but you want them to want to and do it and they know it, then the rational and responsible thing here is to call it a day. Because thereafter, the point of no return has been passed, you’re well into emotional sadomasochism territory, and I am willing to bet you’re not into the kinky kind. To recap, cease and desist, friend, just forget about the whole marriage thing. And if that is not agreeable, there are plenty fish in the sea. And remember, the right person for you not only is perfect, but is also in the right space and time. And the right space and time is always equal to YOUR space and time. And who knows, you might actually find that down the line, that guy has just caught you up, and I guess it’s happy ever after (although I wouldnt hold my breath).

  9. I know. I was tired and hadnt realised I hadnt paragraphed. Not sure it even says what I was tryna say.

  10. i’m usually a silent spectator and enjoy your controversial writing but i must say something to ths here article and this is what i have to say to your middle finger
    1.he’s the man? the fact that you have a pair down there doesn’t make you a man. you need to BE a man, and not just that a WORTHY man so that woman can even think of following that 5 point guide to marrying a zimbo. if i have anicer car its becz i worked hard for it (not on my back mind you) and if that makes a man threatened or feel less of a man then he’s not worth it. be organizd, reliable, responsible, future-oriented, twunu twako twakagadzirika. wat she can do for herself do better for her otherwise wats the point in settling down wiht you. dont bring her down just becauz you cant get up there yourself. she chose you as you are – a wanga, so wy is it a problem now.
    2. he doesn’t want a mother? let me tell you, she does not want a big-ass grown man-baby. if you do not want to be treated like a child its simple DO NOT ACT LIKE A CHILD. if u have a hangover, swallow it its just a hangover for heavenssake u are not dying. women grew up with mothers as nurturers and fathers as the protecter. so protect your woman and your family and thats not just financially ufunge
    3. he’s always right? ndokujaidzana manje chaiko uku. men cant always be right and the sooner both men and women realize that neither of them is perfect, the better for the relationship. and if you think threatening to do something stupid wen you’re sulking is a threat think again. women are just as capable of doing something stupid. the fact that she is discreet about it doesnt mean she is not doing it.
    4. is this tyranny or a relationship.if you both respect each other then decisions that matter are discussed. maybe she reasons more than you saka listen to her and let her make decisions too. wy should she make just the petty decisions?
    5. balls? you think women have no pride? listen never injure a womans pride. thats the worst you can do. beca she will either walk out and leave the man’s sorry broke-ass or stay and make you pay.

  11. oh i had forgotten. am i the only one gasping at the irony of this here article coming from a man who has been in what 3 or 4 year long relationship. is this a public cry kuti she has failed to snag you? i am now wondering if this a warning to the one you call ‘longsuffering’ girlfriend kuti another one can come and take her place in a matter of months as i see in one of your comments. in any case i would hate to be her in this instant reading this article. come on people if you were mr bloggers woman would you not take this personnaly.if you have not received any backlash from this mr blogger then you are luchky and she is indeed long suffering!

  12. Sweet. Anyway, freedom of speech and all. Hey, like i said, it’s advice, and if you don’t feel like taking it … don’t!

    For those who do, it’s almost guaranteed success. For those who choose other means, or none at all, that’s ALSO FUCKING OKAY!

  13. In response to your second comment, you bitch, please don’t wonder or worry about my relationship.

    In fact, I believe you should take this opportunity to review YOURS, and stop worrying and speculating about me, my girlfriend and our communication skills.

    You obviously don’t know what a “public cry” is exactly, and judging from the tone of your breathless commentary, you haven’t stopped to consider that …

    … I’m not really the reason you’re angry, am I bitch?

  14. Wow JB. The number of times you’ve totally bit my head off, I thought Carol would have been ripped a new one over that comment. That was extremely restrained. Save for the use of the word ‘bitch’ (which could be in reference to the Bitch Brigade thing), from the tone, you could easily have been talking about the weather. I don’t know whether to be impressed or really hurt. Not to be self centred or anything, but why do I always get the business end of your impeccable literary skills? Carol deserved loads more, surely! 🙁

  15. Yes Tara, I’m just calling her what she labelled herself. Only fair.

    Also, maybe I come down hard on you because I expect so much better from you! I hold you to a higher, Jamesonian standard!

  16. Will you calm down please and not get your knickers in a twist. as a blogger, you should be able to read through your readers comments. insted of getting your knickers twisted and crapping as usual anything that you do not agree with (Tara is a frequent victim i see) how about listening and tryin to analyse yourself. there is more to the world than you. inini nditori said it, freedom of speech. it’s your website yes but if you put your thoughts and your life and your experiences on the internet you should expect all sorts of reactions. if you put it up there we shal speculate. calling me a bitch will not harm me i am of the bridge brigade! it is not you i worry about but this long-suffering mrs because i am a woman, speaking of which i have not seen minie comment on any of your articles of late!. to write an article like this is just sad honestly and disrespectful. it seems from your tone that i have touched a raw nerve. step up or step away brother.

  17. Nxxxxxxxxxxx, Zims chicks think they hav balls that’s why these days we go international & leave their Ps to rote

  18. Mind, it could be taken as a compliment. We got strong and independent characters?!

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