Open letter to Tiger Woods

Dear Tiger

As you take a break from the links to pretend you love your family, I would like to offer my humble thanks for approaching the field of adultery with all the zeal and determination with which you approach the sport of golf.

It takes a special kind of talent, the world-changing, once-in-a-lifetime kind of talent, to sink your penis into 15 skinny white bitches, of whom not one has ever met a camera she wouldn’t whore her shit for. There’s only one word for that, sir – “Wow”.

I know you wish these whores had kept their mouths (unlike their legs) firmly shut, but I want you to know that I am not surprised the white people are coming after you. What, you thought it was gonna last? You thought you’d be the one black man to get away with beating the white man at his own game? Really?

As for the adultery, I’m a grown up, and your whoring it up like a sailor on shore leave is none of my business. What gets me is that you whored it up with skanks who all look like carnival versions of your wife, and that’s just sad, dude.

And you married a model, you stupid fuck.

Anyway, have fun getting back in her bed, and I hope to see you back on the course, turning shit out like only you can, my man.

Sorry I couldn’t get in touch sooner.

Your nigger friend.

25 Replies to “Open letter to Tiger Woods”

  1. MURDERING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Joe, ah, you’ve killed it with this post. Love it muchacho, love it.

    15 hoes and not colour or flavour in any of those chicks, i can’t even feel sorry for him.

    Rule 1 of the Player’s Manual: Don’t hook up with someone who has nothing to lose (read: Pornstars and cocktail waitresses Tiger…really???!!)

    See you in the Keg in T-minus 3 days hombre!

  2. The man’s a fool. Next up … Barack Obama, show us your tits!

    Vim, I’m expecting a present. A Famous Grouse or Johnnie Black will do very nicely.

  3. LOL!!! some stuff just had to be said and it was said very nicely in that peace Joe! i just love it. You rock!

  4. Black, not impressed. First of all the man rule says you never kick a man when he’s down unless he took your girl or your sister or both.

    Secondly, you missed the main point is that he married the help – sisi aka c-squared. Now we all know that you don’t mess around with the frontline kids and you also know that unless your name is Paul Matavire and your maid is called Mavis you don’t shag the help. So that was his first fatal flaw.

    Next issue is that all persons who are brought up to have a single purpose end up having dysfunction. MJ, Macauly (sp) Culkin, etc and Tiger. I think that he has major issue forming bonds with peeps that are not his family or from his immediate circle or golf related. Which is why he married a fellow golfer’s maid (don’t care if they call it au pair – ndisisi chete).

    So along with the fame and all the other dramas he has his issues. At the end of the day, I like Tiger more. I like my sportsmen and yes women; to wear their dysfunction like jewelry for all the world to see. Michael Jordan and Michael Owen had gambling; Boris Becker – chicks, especially if they were black; Schumacher – the arrogance; Agassi – crystal meth (how cool is that); Chunga – alcohol; Joost – sex; Mark Bosnich – more sex – now Tiger and sex addiction.

    You can keep Sampras; Federer; Hamilton and all the others.

  5. Wait, the “man rule”? Sorry, but I don’t think I ever got my memo. What man rule are you talking about? What is there a pamphlet a guy gets when he’s born?

    Bullshit, I reserve the right to mock who I want when I want, and any adherence to any sort of “rules” if for those who have read them. And browsing doesn’t count.

    On the same note, this whole “guy rule” fantasy always concerns me. How can they be rules if they’re unwritten? And also, shouldn’t we be governed by COMMON fucking SENSE?

    Uhm, don’t fuck your mate’s girlfriend. Oh, no shit! Man rule? Come on.

    As for my missing a point, maybe you’ve missed the LACK of a point to this post.

    The guy cheated on his wife. He’s stupid fuck. Simple.

    And taking the piss is what I do 🙂

  6. [B]Al Sharpton Blasts Tiger Woods for Lack of Mistress Diversity[/B]

    The Rev. Al Sharpton held a press conference today to blast Tiger Woods for the lack of diversity among his mistresses. Sharpton claims that the lack of African-American women among Woods’ harem will have a negative affect on the black community, specifically young black girls.

    “Why is it that a man who calls himself black can’t bring himself to cheat on his wife with a black woman?” said Sharpton, speaking to a group of supporters in Harlem . “What does it say to young black girls everywhere when you pass them over? Shame on you, Tiger Woods. What would your daddy say?”

    Sharpton, who has long championed taking black women as mistresses, said that today’s black athletes need to stop neglecting black women when it comes to extramarital affairs, and should follow the examples of positive black role models such as Jesse Jackson and Martin Luther King, Jr., both of whom cheated on their wives with black women. Sharpton also stressed that cheating with African-American women would help the black community financially by giving black girls the chance to sell their stories to tabloids and gossip magazines.

    Added Sharpton, “I’m not asking you to not cheat on your wives, I’m just asking you to give back to your own community.”

  7. Just read this bullshit joke. So someone I know actually thought this was real, and went on a tirade about how a Reverend should actually be condemning adultery, instead of complaining about the race.


  8. Hehehehe. Dear Mr. Black.
    I agree with u on most of your points except the one about common sense instead of adhering to a certain set of rules. Umm, dude, of all people, i thought u were familiar with man laws? If u are then u are also obviously aware of their humorous nature – so don’t bash me! LOL. Even so, i believe every man should know these (yes, even if it means getting a pamphlet at birth) bcoz they do clarify a few issues. I will list them below.
    1: two men may not share an umbrella. Unless if they are watching the last quarter of a football game… and their beer is getting wet.
    2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss’s car. (d) When she is using her teeth.
    3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
    4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
    5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
    6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
    7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.
    8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
    9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
    10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.
    11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.
    12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
    13: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
    14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
    15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.
    16: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
    17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
    18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.
    19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.
    20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.
    21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man While lifting weights: a) Yeah, Ba-by, Push it! b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
    22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting In line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
    23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
    24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
    25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
    26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
    27: The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story.
    28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.
    29: We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
    “GUTS” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”
    ” BALLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “You’re next!”
    I hope this clears up any confusion,

  9. dude PB is pussy boy. If you honestly don’t think that man rules apply to certain degree and then you should join the sisterhood of the travelling pants.

    and you drink millers – hehehe.

  10. LOL, you’re delusional if you think that “man rules” govern our behaviour. If you need some hilarious, bullshit, sometimes-common-sense guidelines to help you live, maybe you shouldn’t be operating heavy machinery (e.g. cards).

    Just saying.

  11. The ‘rules’ arent a list that you try to adhere to, its just a list of observations of how blokes tend to behave in those situations. And this list is quite on point.

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