Ten things I wish never to hear again (in no specific order)

    NO NO NO

  1. That will be 35 pounds charged to your account for being overdrawn. Again. (Man, going into overdraft on an overdraft, ain’t that a hit an’ a half for your ass)
  2. I just couldn’t hold it, you taste so sweet. We can try again in a few minutes. (Uh huh, like the other 5 times before that coming to a grand total of 4 and a half minutes.)
  3. You remind me of my dead mother (this said in the throes of passion. The term ‘motherfucker’ taking on a whole new shine)
  4. You are not quite what this company is looking for. (euphemism for if you are not out that door in 5 minutes the bloodhounds from security are going to be so far up your ass you’ll wish you were gay)
  5. A computer error has resulted in salaries not being paid on time. (at this point I have been eating roots for a week coz my overdrawn overdrafted account is all tuckered out )
  6. Iiiii ende wazosimbaaaaa! (read: Jesus Christ, did you eat ALL the Colcom pork pies when the prices were slashed by 50%)
  7. Zimbabwe, that’s near Mexico right? (yeah, the border dispute is definitely between Dubya and Bob)
  8. Oh Zimbabwe, I went to Kenya once. (yes, Africa is one country, so you’ve seen one African, you have seen them all)
  9. So that is MISTER Eleanor Madziva? (Butt ugly I may be, a man I am not, how my mellifluous dulcet tones can be confused with that of a man, I don’t know. Granted though, I saw a man tweezing his eyebrows while waiting at the traffic lights the other day, so it’s not much of a testimony for raw masculinity in Nippon)
  10. ‘Can I touch it?’ Heaven forfend that I ever hear another white girl ask me if she can touch my fro again. Girrrllll? Have you done lost your mind? You’d best check yourself before you hurt yourself.

26 Replies to “Ten things I wish never to hear again (in no specific order)”

  1. Number 2 is the killer, all this after he’s been telling ya how your world is gonna get rocked blabla!

  2. muchazvinyepera vasikana imimi. you would be surprised how many foreigners think Zimba is a province of South Africa

  3. I must say, I am a huge fan of sistah, coz once they start calling you ambhuya, you know that its over. No more riding in the front seat with the kombi driver while everyone else garisanas five five.

  4. another thing: everybody here is always surprised when I tell them that zim is not as hot as Japan. I have taken to telling them, what makes you think that and when was the last time you were in Africa you ignorant self absorbed narrow minded aint never been outside of Tokyo intellectual midget (ok, everything except the adjectives). Africa = desert and drought and hunger.

  5. if you are looking to get stabbed JB, carry on with that mindset.

    Andy Tee, whatever you are smoking, stop it. You obviously havent been reading your monthly Cosmo subscription. It’s all or nothing, there are no half measures.

  6. Ooh, how about anything that starts with the words “I regret to inform you that …….”. I don’t think there is a more patronising phrase than that.

  7. Or, don’t take this personally, but…. how else am I supposed to take it when you are launching into a verbal attack on my person.

  8. I dont want you to take this the wrong way, but…
    I hope you dont mind my saying…

  9. I wish I could meet a guy like you……………….I AM RIGHT HERE )(*&%$#(&)$#_(&^%#)@%(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. People who suffix everything with ‘you know what I mean’. Well, more importantly, do YOU know what you mean?

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