Bathtub Behaviour for Boys


All good things happen in threes, someone once said. I don’t know who – I probably got that from one of the uncountable books I’ve read. I could even have heard it from one of the million billion twitter “quote” accounts that people ReTweet (that’s Share, Facebook dinosaurs) onto my timeline every day.

What is it about early mornings, usually between 5am and 9am, that makes people wanna share “inspirational quotes” so badly? It’s mostly all bullshit, too. And don’t get me started on Sunday morning! It’s bad enough to read banal, common-sense mumblings through the week, but it goes into overdrive on Sundays. I mean, you’re Christian, we get it, we’ve all read the bible. Calm down. Anyway.

So, good things happen in threes. I’ve been talking about the shower of late, and to continue (and conclude) our chat on ablutions and related bullshit, let’s move this into the bathtub, shall we?

Specifically, who sits at which end?

Unless you’re one of the hoity-toity, snooty-fruity, high-class, highly-curdled cream of Harare’s elite who has a large or circular tub, the question of which end you get in the bathtub will come up. Also, if your taps are in the middle of the wall, stop reading now.

Like before, I’m only talking to those fortunate enough to have both a bathtub and someone to share it with. If you’re bucketing, I’m sorry. Ditto if you’re lonely.

If you’ve had occasion to share a bathtub, whether it’s just after a night of random nookie or as a constant thing, chances are you’ve had the misfortune to get the tap end.

Now, at the tap end, there’s a cold tap and a hot tap, and if you get said tap end, you’ve more than likely burnt your back, or neck, at least once. Let me tell you from experience – this isn’t fun.

Scalding your back against a hot faucet is painful and awkward at the best of times. When you’re naked and vulnerable in front of your sexual partner? That’s excruciating.

For a man, there’s nothing more embarrassing than screaming like a stuck pig when you’re trying to look cool and sexy in front of a naked lady. It does nothing for the testicles, I can tell you that.

So here’s my advice, lads – jump in first. Slide yourself nicely into the smooth end of the tub. Stretch out, get comfortable. Not only do you have no burning spigots to contend with, but you have the added bonus of forcing your bathmate to sit on top of you. Preferably square in midfield.

Here’s a warning though, don’t get too fecking excited, because this could lead to accidental unprotected bathtub coitus, and we don’t want that (for obvious reasons).

It also gives a nice view, and may even force her to lie down on top of you, just to avoid said dreaded faucets.

You’re welcome.

Wait, what are you asking? A gentleman should cede the smooth end and sit up whilst his partner reclines? Uhm, I’m King of the Assholes, remember? Gentleman what?

Equal rights.