I have said it before and I’ll say it again – twenty over cricket is not cricket at all.

It’s a freaking lotto. To be fair, it’s entertaining; that’s the only value it has.

But the idea of the IPL, the concept of making it all seem so fucking Serious and Meaningful? Bollocks.

The Windies are about to lose the first Test in England, yet their best player is mucking about in India, banging sixes (and heavens knows what else).

I couldn’t care less about the Bombay Cellphone Chargers playing the Punani Night Bangawhores … get that shit over with, and give us our game back.

Money does talk, you only have to look at the branding mosaic that is the playing kit, but enough is enough.

Stop calling it cricket. In football we call it a penalty shootout.

Turn it off.

So I was talking to a couple of my boys the other day, and the topic came around to “national dress”.

Specifically, one of them asked me what our national dress is, and I answered without hesitation. Nhembe, shashiko for chicks, nhabwamaringa for dudes.

In short … loin-cloths.

Problem is, we can’t walk around in fucking lon-cloths, can we? Those idiot twins tried it a few years ago, and promptly got arrested. You can’t even drive without a shirt, apparently.

So, what now? Our Zimbabwean ladies have it easy. Anyone who’s ever been to a church service, a wedding with an African theme (or a Women’s League meeting) will testify that all they need is a large Nigerian head-dress, a printed outfit and voila! Sorted.

What about us? Are we relegated to wearing those funny collar-less “African” shirts, with colours derived from across the spectrum?

Shall we wear those long-ass West African dresses like “oga” wears on TV? No thanks.

Winky D had it right. Bhachi ne jean, shati ndakapfekera mukati.

That’s our new national dress … jeans, formal shirt and a sports coat or dinner jacket. Simple. Smart. Don’t forget the watch.

Iyi yanetsa pataundi. Listen

All my friends are morons, and I’m guilty by association.

We spend way too much money in bars, clubs and related establishments. We drink too much, we eat too much and smoke too damn much in these places.

Braais, people. That’s where all the value is.

We need to wean ourselves off the juicy teats of waitress service, pool tables and beer on tap. If we look at it objectively, we can have all we need and spend half the cash we do now.

We don’t need to watch every major sporting event in the Scud & Nanny. All we need to do is organise a bring-and-share at one person’s place. Preferably a person with a flat-screen TV and paid-up DStv, a bit of charcoal and some tongs.

We get a fire going, down some drinks, and it’s all good, baby.

I’m tired of paying hundred-dollar tabs for sub-standard service and overly-priced whisky, folks.

Home is where it’s at from now on, cos my broke ass can’t afford to fuck around in pubs anymore.

So au revoir, Tiny Red Bar.

Updated below

The Army’s Chief of Staff, Major General Martin Chedondo, believes the army is there to protect the executive and other systems, not the people of Zimbabwe. In fact, I can’t cherry-pick from this report, I’ll just paste the whole thing.

Members of the Zimbabwe Defence Forces must be allowed to participate in national politics to remain loyal and defend the nation’s territorial integrity and interests. Addressing over 3 000 troops from 2 Brigade undergoing a battlefield training exercise in Mutoko yesterday, Chief of Staff General Staff, Major General Martin Chedondo said soldiers should be involved in national politics as they are part of politics.

“A national defence force the world over is there to protect the national politics, national integrity, the Executive and other systems that form part of the Government.

“By virtue of this, defence forces automatically become a political animal.

“Soldiers cannot be blind or blinkered on what they are protecting. We have to be alert and know where we came from and where we are going. Politicians must first agree on national ideals, ethos and objectives then differ in tactics but not on the strategic aspect of what Zimbabwe is.

“As soldiers, we will never be apologetic for supporting Zanu-PF because it is the only political party that has national interests at heart,” he said

Maj Gen Chedondo said some politicians were busy fighting for security sector reforms and saying soldiers were not supposed to meddle in the country’s politics.

“The answer that I am giving those politicians who always ask if it is right for soldiers to be partisan is that the defence forces must exhibit the national outlook.

“As soldiers we must never apologise when we are discharging our noble role of protecting the integrity of our nation, hard won independence and our precious resources.

“We cannot be seen supporting a political party that is going against the ideals of a nation, which came by as a result of a liberation struggle, which saw many of the country’s sons and daughters losing their lives.

“As soldiers we must support ideologies that we subscribe to, I for one will not be apologetic for supporting Zanu-PF because I was part of the liberation struggle,” he  said.

He said there should be no room to accommodate the enemy because one individual wants to pocket money.

The battle exercise saw troops crossing a dam using speedboats, rafters, canoes and ropes while firing at the “enemy”.

Common sense will tell you that the Army, as an organ of the State, should be completely apolitical. For the Army to become an appendage of one political party means that democracy is non-existent.

So why keep on pretending? Just declare that Zimbabwe belongs to ZANU-PF and scrap all elections and so forth.

Because that seems to be how these guys think.

*sigh*

Update 1

It doesn’t end there. Yesterday he went on to attack the Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai.

“Tsvangirai and his cronies are being used by imperialists to change our Zimbabwe.

“We will never be shy to mention this because the truth must be known for the people to make right choices.

“We will never accept that white colonisers become indigenous Zimbabweans.

“You (troops) and me have a great job to safeguard our precious nation. When you leave this place, sing in your heart that our nation shall never be colonised again.

“You are all descendants ‘tuzukuru tweZanu-PF’ (union of PF Zapu and Zanu PF) because your parents are children of this revolutionary party, which made you go to school and brought a level political atmosphere that accepts elections,” he said.

Yeah, this guy isn’t even pretending.

So last night the Mouse took me down to HIFA to see Jamaram, the white boys based in Germany who play a wicked funky reggae ska latin fusion.

They featured our own Mic Inity, who played his brand new single Freedom with them. The band is tight, their musicianship is professional and the tunes are heavy. So we rocked it up at the Main Stage till we couldn’t rock no more.

Then a couple of bastards called me up saying they were on the Green, so we sauntered over and found a cooler-box stuffed with Johnnie Red Label and all the trimmings. Shit.

So some rappers come on, started off a little wishy-washy but picked up as they went down the line. Seemed like a couple of them were just in it to hype themselves up rather than entertain me. Ho hum.

This Baba Shupi guy (who seems to be everywhere these days) came on, did a few choruses, blah blah. Was starting to fade at this point, and was definitely on my last glass of Red and Tonic.

Or so I thought.

The band House of Stone came on, did their reggae thing, yeah yeah, and just as I thought “Screw you guys, I’m going home”, some guy named Dadza D jumped onto the stage. And fucked it up for everybody else.

This guy was all over the place, chanting, singing, dancing, jumping, leaping around like he was high on that weed.

Eh? Oh.

I’ve never seen this kid in action, only heard his name in passing actually, but this is something you have to see for yourself. He. Is. Awesome.

Tell you what, if Winky D and King Shaddy don’t step up their game, and this Dadza D guy gets a couple of hot tracks and some airplay, he’ll wipe them off the map. He’s that good.

Then Didier Awadi came on, the Senegalese rapper. His band is hot, and the dude’s got mad skills. But at this point I was rogered.

So the Mouse and I went home, and left the two bastards on the Green.

And I went to bed at 0200 hrs. On a school night.

And now I’m at work, feeling like hammered shit.

Fuck you, HIFA. See you tonight.