Go ahead, please judge me

Oh, hey there buddy. Fancy meeting you here. So, you think I drink too much? Okay, that’s cool.

First of all, let my start by saying thank you. Thank you so much for making that judgement regarding my drinking capacity and habit.

Saying “too much” indicates that there is a certain standard limit which you have set for me, which is something I greatly appreciate.

Although I don’t precisely recall the last time you bought me a fecking drink, or the last time we even spoke, or whether I actually even know your mobile number or last name, it’s endearing to know that you can sit there in the Scud & Nanny and think about my habits and welfare.

That is definitely love, and who doesn’t want to be loved? Not me.

Ignore the fact that I do not answer to you, or that your opinions on my personal behaviour are neither welcome nor justified. The amount of alcohol I imbibe has absolutely nothing to do with you, your wellbeing, your livelihood, your sex life, love life, work life or anything else to do with your life.

Let’s also agree that, even with my memory so obviously destroyed by the constant destruction of brain-cells due to alcohol abuse, I do not, never have and probably never will eat sadza at your house.

You do not feed me, clothe me or get me tipsy. We do not eat from the same plate, we don’t draw water from the same well and we sure as shit do not milk the same goat.

I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, though. Listen buddy, please keep worrying so much about my welfare. It’s always nice to know someone’s watching out for me.

Here, I’ll even let you use my binoculaaaars.

I appreciate you.