If you want a tip, earn it

By now, I am used to Dial-a-delivery being late. Ever since the Second Street Extension branch was closed, I’ve accepted that Pomona takes ages to deliver. That is okay.

Generally, they take around forty-five minutes, and that’s just fine by me.

But this past Sunday, they took shit to another level.

I was hungover and hungry, so I ordered a pizza and a two-litre Cream Soda, also known as the Green Ambulance, mushonga wezvidhakwa.

It took an hour and a half for my order to arrive, and this was after I made three irate phone-calls complaining about the delay.

Of course, my pizza was cold and congealed by the time it arrived, and the (apologetic) delivery guy was waffling something about looking for change and all sorts of other shit.

I told him, in no uncertain terms, that change is something they should have on hand at the shop, so that’s no excuse to give to me – it’s his problem, and shouldn’t be made mine.

I also told him that if his company sees another cent of my money, it will be a miracle.

So my change was $28 (he knew that already, from the initial order and my receipt), and he proceeded to count out $27 from his wallet. And just stood there.

I held out my hand, told him it was twenty-eight and not twenty-seven, so he reaches into his back pocket with a dejected look on his face, and hands me my dollar.

Did this guy honestly think I was going to fucking TIP him, when I was visibly angry and vocally disgruntled? Nah man, not after ninety minutes of waiting for cold pizza. Gimme ALL my change, son.

Tipping is not an obligation – I only do it for good service. I won’t give a barman or a waitress money just because they showed up for work and did their job.

I never give a random guy in town a dollar, simply because he hung around my parked car. I don’t see the need to give away my cash just for doing nothing special.

If you give me good service, or I’m in a new bar and am bribing you for good service, I’ll give you a good tip. If I feel generous yet you’ve done nothing special, I’ll give a small tip. If service is excellent, I’ll give a large tip.

But I just won’t tip you for showing up. “Oh, we survive on tips” you say? So give good service. I didn’t come to this restaurant or bar to pay anyone’s salary – I came to spend my own.

So if you want a tip, you’d better fucking earn it. Don’t hold out your hand to me just because you carried a drink over and didn’t spill it. Don’t expect a tip for doing your goddamn job.

But I’m feeling generous right now, so here’s a tip.

Breath mints.

– Update – lest we forget, Dial-a-delivery once stole my change.