Going out of my head

Have you ever lost someone? Have you ever felt like you’re dying inside, little by little, day by day? Have you ever physically ached for no apparent reason? Have you ever lost your senses?

Have your ever lost the ability to see? Even when presented with a thing of true beauty, or a bevy of fine young things, you can’t see them, or if you do, you compare them to the one you lost, and they come up short? Have you ever stared at the television, flicking between channels, and finding nothing to distract you, entertain you, even for a second?

Have you ever lost the ability to hear? Birds may sing, people may talk, songs come on but you hear nobody, nothing but the steady beating of your own heart? Have you listened to contemporary music and cursed aloud? Have you gone deeper into your music collection seeking that classic, old-school “meaning”? Going backwards through the eighties and seventies all the way back to Ella Fitzgerald seeking music that will touch you, only to find that every record from Luther to Marvin to Bob to Jimi seems to hurt more than the last? Have you ever wished to shut your ears, locking yourself in a cocoon of comfortable silence, where you don’t have to hear the sound of life going on around you, while everything that matters is in limbo?

Have you lost your sense of smell, so much that you forget to use colone in the morning, and you don’t notice either the perfume the woman you just hugged is wearing or the tell-tale scent of cooking gas in the kitchen?

Have you lost the ability to taste your food? Is everything you eat suddenly bland, boring and overcooked? Have you ever sought out increasingly profound experiences? Suddenly you’re ordering Chinese again. The steaks get rarer, the curries ever hotter and the whiskies neater.

The only thing you want to touch is her bare shoulder; the only sensation you crave are the tiny goosebumps on her arm as you gently stroke down towards her soft, tiny fingers. All you want is to hold that hand, not for a fleeting second but for ever, never pausing for even a moment’s respite; neither seeking, nor offering, separation.

Have you ever felt that way? If so, you’re fucked china.

Cos you’re losing your goddamn mind.

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