Why Zimbabwe Is Like Kill Bill (It Is Not What You Think)

The Kill Bill movies have to be some of the best film-making of all time, and I could spend all day narrating my favourite scenes.

Like Black Mamba telling Vivica’s daughter that if she’s still sore when she grows up, she can come after her, and the little girl just has a “What the holy feck” look on her face.

When she opens the door to dude’s caravan and gets a shotgun full of rock salt; I laughed when was blown 20 meters away. Then punching her way out of the coffin she was buried alive in. Even the whole Pai Mei sequence where she learnt that shit.

Goodness me, when she chopped up Gogo Yubari and the Crazy 88 in that restaurant with the crazy Japanese girl rock band, then told Sophie not to leave. And the whole garden fight with Oren? Class.

The Bruce Lee suit. The music, especially “Bang bang, my baby shot me down”. When she used the Five-Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique on Bill, and he exclaimed (like all defeated kung-fu movie villains before him) “The Five-Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique!”. And my dude, Haturo Hanzo!

There’s a lot to love, but one scene has always had particular significance for me because I play it out almost every single morning.

To put this in context, I’m working on getting something done, so I only managed to get to bed at 3 am. The late bedtime was partly because of a massive power outage that began with the rain and had me, like my girl Tweet once sang, smoking cigarettes at night.

Anyway, so I sleep at 0300 hours, and awoke at 0630. This was not voluntary, as I planned to kay-oh until at least eight. I awoke an hour and a half before alarm because I really needed to piss.

Now remember that scene when Black Mamba has woken from her coma, and is in the back of Buck’s Pussy Wagon? And she’s staring at her feet willing herself to get up and get moving, because her legs have atrophied and she can’t walk?

And she’s staring at her feet and repeatedly saying “Wiggle your big toe”.

That’s me, when I’m snug in bed and I’m dying for a pee but I can’t make myself get up and go.

This morning, it took me twenty minutes.

It usually takes an hour.