Bet it’s as crap as the last one

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Let’s all write our New Year’s resolutions together this year, shall we? “This year, I won’t be the weak, flawed, ungrateful, disorganized, fault-finding, lazy, self-serving, incompetent, scattered, resentful, inconsiderate, neurotic, negative, recalcitrant, sluggish, disturbed, thoughtless, pushy, intrusive, hair-trigger, gossiping, selfish, shallow, distracted, inexpressive, restless, confrontational, overdramatic, narrow-minded, unsympathetic, disheveled, slouchy, grumpy, disgusted, superior, self-righteous, impatient, sloppy, obnoxious, nitpicking, eye-rolling, unhelpful, smug, drunk, smelly, flabby, unhygienic, rambling, repetitive, tedious, unoriginal, self-involved, self-pitying, self-destructive, self-congratulatory bore that I’ve been for my entire life.

“This year I will be different. I’ll try harder, work longer, eat healthier, exercise more, read more, sleep better at night, be nicer, hold my tongue, help others, spend more time with my kids, vacuum more often, keep my desk straight, answer the phone more often, act like I’m happy to hear from the bloviating mouth-breather on the other end of the line, improve my attitude, breathe more deeply, learn to cook better, lavish praise on my lovers, mow my lawn, spend less money on pointless things, write thousands of brilliant words a day, exceed expectations, stay focused, live in the present, be open and vulnerable, work hard to effect change in the world, embrace the universe and all its creatures, and feck more often.

“In 2008, I will be a joy to be around. People will no longer say, ‘There goes that weak, flawed, ungrateful, self-congratulatory bore.’ They’ll smile and feel inspired by my open, helpful attitude and my stylish, fit appearance. I’ll ride on a wave of easy laughter, I’ll listen with true focus and deep understanding. My hair will shine in the sun and my teeth will have the colour and density of polished ivory, but I’ll be too busy finishing my literary masterpiece to notice.”

You see, by writing down all of our divergent, overreaching goals for the new year, we arrive at the true aim of our resolutions: rededicating ourselves to maintaining the status quo for another year. We begin the process with hope and inspiration, and end it with the self-loathing and malaise that leads us right back to being the weak, flawed, ungrateful, self-congratulatory bores we’ve been for our entire lives.

Yes, just as it’s not possible to be a good, smart, uncompromising, idealistic human being in a nation of thieving whores, so, too, is it impossible to spend more time with my kids or hold my tongue. There is no one on the face of the Earth who writes works of literary genius and has teeth like ivory. Intensely creative geniuses do not answer the phone with a happy voice, listen with focus or even feck regularly.

And even if it were possible to be good and brilliant and healthy and full of high-minded principles, I still wouldn’t get very far in this Zimbabwe, populated as it is by self-serving thugs and charismatic charlatans and oily tricksters and uninspired, beaten-down drones who experience talent and originality and bold, new ideas as at best an inconvenience and at worst a direct threat.

Here’s to more of the same!

NB:- You can thank Salon Magazine for putting it in my head that it’s okay to accept the truth, and not lie to yourself with “resolutions”

Published by Joe Black

47 Replies to “Bet it’s as crap as the last one”

  3. dude you have a lot of time on your hands

    but u r right my resolution is simple

    eat drink be merry and be same ol same ol

  4. Hello everypeeps there’s nothing worse than coming back to work!!!

    You have to make resolutions because otherwise you have no goals to work to?

    Intensively create genius? I see the ego needs no boosting this year!

  5. as dhalks said eat drink and be merry and just be yourself.

    its no longer fun anymore Reds,it was nice mocking how useless your team was but now tipeiwo maserious.its nice once in while to remind you guys how pathetic your team is but every week is just a bit too much even for me
    .

  6. Welcome back Tino, the ego remains intact. THis eat drink and be merry business, I’ve done so much of for the past month I’m not keen anymore.

    As for Liverpool … I shall not speak.

  7. And there I thought I had the market pegged in jaded and cynicism. You make me look almost Pollyanna like. No mean feat indeed.

    re: Liverpool. Lets not forget that Arsenal, who were at one time 13 points down, went on to win the 97/98 Premier League. Dont count Kop out yet.

  9. What a defeatist you’ve become Mr. Black.

    Listing every pie in the sky goal is surely a recipe for stagnation, but focusing on a couple areas for self-improvement is by no means a fruitless task. That and I see no contradiction in a writer who gets laid a lot.

    I’ve never been one for New Years Resolutions until this year really. I’m shedding my status quo to come visit y’all.

    I wrote a strange bio-piece on that decision at http://www.alias.gnn.tv if you’re interested

    p.s. Ooooh to be OOOHHH to be OOOOOHHHHH TO BE A GOONER

  11. Alias, having read your bio-thingy majiggy, all I can say is bra, your heart’s in the right place and good luck with that. Although as a ‘career move’, am not sure it will be your wisest move, coz if I know nothing else about my home country is that nothing is as it should be.

  12. But of course we will welcome you with open arms. We embrace any kind of assistance, as long as the intentions are noble.

    That’s how you start a new year. Good for you.

  13. Anyone think Obama really stands a chance with the American people, There is that one fact that they will not ignore, as much as they dislike Clinton. He is still Black. AND his name is very muslim. What are the odds they will overlook these twolittle things. Are Americans ready for a Black Muslim? I am, Are they? If not, will they ever?

  14. Gala I think only a fringe of Americans are put off my him being black and sort of Muslim. American elections are decided by a tiny group in the middle. Anyone who wouldn’t vote for a black man is a Republican anyway. You seem to overlook patriarchy preventing Clinton from getting electing, which is as much an American tradition as racism.

    Joe and Eleanor thanks for your kind words. I can’t wait to check out the place for myself.
    If you want to catch a match Joe, I’ll be around.

  15. Like my man Chris Rock put it, America is ready for a female president, but does it have to be that one. And George Bush has fucked up so much that its hard for a white person to be elected president.

    Dont give Hillary up as lost, Bill lost both Iowa and NH but went on to win not only the Dem nomination, but the presidency. And they even forgave him for Monica.

    Why will people insist on calling him black, he is mixed race, why are people denying the fact that his mother is white, does whiteness only count if you are 100% white? If you are half Japanese and half American, no one calls you just Japanese or just American.

  16. Ahhhhh saka mukader…..
    that might win him a few points i guess

    but i dont think that he’ll beat hilary….
    the cabal that rules america will not allow it

    😀 😀

    We’ll see tho

  17. Guys, I know we have to be practical and all, but I’ll tell you one thing – we have to hope.

    Because, as far as I’m concerned, listening to that Barack boy, he gives me hope for America. It’s not totally lost, and I think even they are starting to realise.

    His problem (and yes, he’s Black) is that if he wins the Dem nomination, the money lobby will come out all guns, and will cut him to pieces. What matters is whether Middle America will be bought out or scared into submission by the Terrorist rhetoric. Or will they … to borrow a phrase, vote for Change?

    As for the White Witch, that woman is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. She’s a Con with Liberal rhetoric, and I don’t trust her to roll back any of the Bushite Imperialism. She scares me. Nice tits, though.

    Besides, next to Hills, Barack will always look mighty appealing. Depends on the whether the far right will vote for a white woman or a black man. Never, methinks.

    Also, either candidate can be seen as the perfect storm by Neo-Cons, guaranteeing them any loose votes.

    That’s where John Edwards could come back; a Strong Handsome White Male. I don’t know … is America that simplistic?

    Anyway … Barack Hussein Obama is my choice.

  18. I rather like that Obama chap.

    So when did you have “kids” or are you meaning Taku and Tadi?

  19. 1. Forgetting about O.B and Hil, which is most likely ever, a white woman president or a black male president. Or rather, which is less favourable for the average America?

    2. Which is most ground Breaking? A female president or a black president?

    3. What happened for America to be in the position it is at? Who would have thunk that they would have no choice but to go for black or female.

    4. Any chance America will get so desperate as to go for one of the underdogs? Maybe the guy from Law and Order, just to avoid the unknown and uncomfortable.

  20. Yes Tino, by kids I mean nieces and nephews.

    Gala, don’t believe the hype! The media have turned the DEMOCRAT race into one between Hills and Hussein, but let’s not forget that John Edwards polled 2nd in the Iowa caucus. They’ve becomed enamoured such that they ignore the candidates who don’t sell papers, and made it a woman v black issue.

    Also Edwards leading Clinton aside, the Dem race is by no means a race for America. The biggest assumption would be that America is so fed up with Republicans that they’ll vote for whatever Dem is put in front of them.

    Not true. Remember the most unpopular President of any nation in History, George W Bush was re-elected in 2004?

  23. Obama, Edwards, Clinton on one side; McCain, Huckabee, Romney on the other side – I foresee Obama v McCain in the White House race.

  24. The last thing we want is John “I’d stay in Iraq for 100 years” McCain but I’m sure he’d still have more sense than Bush.

    Form a world-view, Obama would be the best option. But the world doesn’t vote.

  25. and lets not forget that winning the popular vote doesnt guarantee that you will be president, the Supreme court can still do a number on you. Ask Mr Jump-on-the-green-bandwagon Nobel winner Gore.

    Early NH returns show Mc Cain and BHO with wins.

  26. Hey, no one has actually said what is more ground braking in the history of all those discriminated against. Black or Female. Which takes priority in your books?

  28. What?! There was a woman president in AMERICA? Everyone knows that America is DIFFERENT. Nothing like the UK or any other European countries. Think about that lowly american in the humble deep south. Which would they go for?

  31. That is an assumption from the stereotype that right-wing voters are too dumb to think for themselves.

  33. What were you expecting? A woman comes out on TV repeatedly, almost in tears and acting like all the boys are picking on her? Cue the female voters, with husbands in tow.

  35. why do u hate hillary??? she’s a highly intelligent woman and will make a better pres than her husband and all these candidates combined

  36. Hilary seems wound up tight. She seems very middle class and acts it. I don’t see her as a person for the common folk. The woman thing and intelligence, she has that. But that could be said for Thatcher. And look what happened. Woman president trumps black president in my book but Hilary just doesn’t cut it for me. If we are to have a first woman president, we need some one else. Condy wont do either. I hate Oprah, but she is for the people-ish and does not appear as snobbish. I will have to think of a woman dead or alive who would have made a good candidate the represent women. What I don’t like about Hilary as the first is that no one will trust women after her, thus making her the first and ONLY. That would be a damn shame and I wouldn’t be willing to take that chance.

  37. Oprah is so not for the people. She just wants to make it look that way. her school in South Airfreeka is a case in point. Mileage. Barack is hardly ghetto fabollous either, a Harvard education is hardly run of the mill ghetto aspiration.

  38. Oprah? WTF? Why are we talking Oprah for President? Are there people actually that delusional? I mean … it’s frikkin OPRAH!

    So Eleanour … ‘real’ niggers don’t go to Harvard?

  41. My point is Oprah is more lovable from an american person kinda view cf Hilary who tries to be likable but always manages to be untrustworthy. It was just an example, evidently a bad one, but still an example. I personally do not like Oprah. I find her very saccharine sweet. OB still has the black father and wife going for him, although a black man, who went to a community college, with both completely black (nothing else) parents would have been fan-bloody-tastic in the white house. And better yet, while I am still dreaming, a black female, who went to a community college, with a black husband, or even any colour wife (Yes, I mean a lesbian, sorry, I am on a roll), with disabilities, with a test tube baby who was carried by a surrogate, devout bhuddist. Now THAT would be the beginning of an interesting America and world. 🙂

  43. ‘So Eleanour … ‘real’ niggers don’t go to Harvard? ‘. With what money, they too busy trying to get rich or die trying. That or buying rims or making crack babies or being a Tyrone-type scrub living in their mama or baby mama’s house. Or if Harvard is the new name for a 6 x 4 prison cell, yeah real niggaz be going there.

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