As an ongoing community service, I’ll be writing an occassional “10 Things” list to help other bachelors out there with commonplace situations. You may find yourself in these situations one day, so let me try and help with a few insights and tips, that at face value may appear common-sense, but trust me, we can ignore them. And make bad decisions.
1. If you plan to go out on Friday night, eat first. And well. A toasted bacon-and-egg at 5pm doesn’t count.
2. Don’t follow Jazz Invitation to the Sports Diner if you’re drunk. Chances are, you’ll trip over the steps on the way out…yep, they’re hazardous. And it will hurt tomorrow.
3. In case you skip Number 2, any subsequent scars are difficult to explain. Especially if you have no idea how the feck you got them. And “carpet burn” apparently doesn’t suffice.
4. Do not, *not* under any circumstances, watch rugby the next morning and let anyone buy you a Zambezi. You’re still drunk, and asking for trouble.
5a. Always bet against South Africa. You’ll win.
5b. If you bet against South Africa, and you win, remember to collect your fecking winnings from that other ouen there.
6. Don’t decline breakfast in fear of throwing it up. You will regret this, especially when everyone around you is munching away contentedly.
7. (By now it may be Saturday afternoon, hence too late, but never..) ..ever, EVER drink on an empty stomach. You’re asking for trouble, and you may start to feel faint by the time you’re watching the local rugby match.
8. At Harare Sports Club, do NOT spend the afternoon at the bar area. Sit in the stands and watch rugby. That’s what you’re there for. Don’t hang out the bar area with your mates all afternoon playing music and talking shit. You’re not 19.
9. By now it’s too late for anything constructive, but don’t you dare head back to the Scud after the sun goes down. You’re drunk, and you might leave your expensive sunglasses behind when you head home at 6pm.
10. On the way home, don’t call your girlfriend and ask her where the feck she is. You’re wasting airtime, and she won’t thank you for it. Especially when she calls you the next day and chews you out for it. And calls you arsehole.