I hate cellphones. I hate WhatsApp. If life could be run via E-Mail, I’d be a happy man.
But that isn’t practical in Zimbabwe, so here are five things not to say to me when you call my damn phone. Believe me, this applies to everyone.
1. Use a strange number, say “Hi” followed by silence – okay, hi. I’m sorry I forgot to get my voice-recognition chip installed this morning, so I can’t figure out who the fuck you are from the sound of your voice.
2. “You can’t recognise my voice?”- Who are you, Morgan Freeman? Bart Simpson? That guy who did Optimus Prime and the Voltron intro? No? Cos those are the only voices I recognise, and now you’re wasting my fucking time.
3. “How come you haven’t called me” – if I wanted to call you, I would have. If I needed to call you, you’d know. If I haven’t called you, I have neither needed nor wanted to call you. Deal with it.
4. “Did you see my WhatsApp?” – maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t. It’s WhatsApp, and I hate it. I could be ignoring you, but probably not. If you sent me a joke, I deleted your number.
5. “Guess who”. – *click* … yeah, I hung up.
Bonus: “Asi you deleted my number?” – why bother, when you know my answer will simply be some half-hearted waffle about losing or changing my phone or SIM card?
Also, I pity the fool who doesn’t get to the goddamn point.
In fact, just email me.