I`ve just been on the road for a whole 6 and a half hours on Blue Arrow from H-town to Skies for a mate`s wedding. I decided about halfway down the road to compile this rough little “Bachelor`s List Of Things To Do On a Blue Arrow Coach From H To Skies” out of sheer boredom and, you know, cigarette craving. So here goes…
1: Obsess about the impossibly tall girl with the really nice tits and Shakira hips who just walked up to check-in desk without a ticket and wonder why O Lord why you are sitting with the older Indian lady instead of getting her sweet ass into seat 8C.
2: Wonder why they really need 3 roadblocks before you even hit the turnpike, what the hell do they think this is, Somalia?
3: Try to guess what the next random song on a borrowed iPod Shuffle will be, hoping for some more of that sweet Ladysmith Black Mambazo sound and praying it`s no more bad Ameripop trash.
4: Wonder what that girl just behind you in 9D, who obviously just got off a bus from South Africa, looks like in her underwear. And hope it`s something black and lacy. With tassels.
5a: Check out all the hot honies on the Bulawayo-Harare bus when you intersect in Kwekwe. Wonder quietly which of said honies will still be in H when you get back, which ones you`ll meet, and maybe bang.
5b: Do the same for the ones on your bus, watch them queueing up to buy those shitty Golden Mile chips, wonder which ones are freaks, which ones you will meet, whether in town or at the club, and hopefully bang.
6: Check out 10D`s granny pants when she bends over, and promptly lose interest and retreat to the sanctuary of the bus and another random Pink song on the iPod.
7a: Fart in the empty bus before everyone gets back on.
7b: Skip another fecking Kanye West song on this darn iPod.
7c: Swear loudly. To yourself.
8: Notice that those safety hammers they tell you to use when breaking windows in case of an emergency are missing. After closer scrutiny you notice two in the front row of the bus, and decide to ask the tea lady. Change mind when you see they`ve somehow swapped tea ladies at Kwekwe and the new one is FUgly (thats fecking Ugly if u dont know).
9: Notice the optimum positions for a comportable ride in a Blue Arrow from Harare to Bulawayo, as follows:
-never get a D seat. If you do, you arrive baked to a crisp by the fecking sun
-the perfect seat is 10A: behind the wheels, if the TV is working youre`perfectly positioned (ok that does not count), and you can ogle all you want
-row 8 is not as bumpy as you thought, being over the wheels and all
-seat 9A sucks, as you get to watch the before-and-after toilet faces of everyone who uses the john. Ditto 9B.
10: Wonder why the feck there were two roadblocks to each town, and three when entering Bulawayo, and just how hot is that cop out there in full dress number 1`s looking like he should be at the Commissioner`s fecking ball or something.
There you have it. I am here, the weather is lovely, sun is out, the girls are hot (and the FITNESS, my word) and life is rosy.
Time to go look for some televised football.