When the funk hits the fan

by Posted on

Friday night I was at the Kebab Centre. When I was leaving, I got to my car and found the windscreen banged up.

So I got in my little car and trundled off to Borrowdale Police Station to report it. Got there, the okes said it looked like I’d done a hit-and-run cos there was blood on the windscreen.

So we went to Rhodesville Police Station where one had been reported, visited the scene and found evidence that it wasn’t me. But my car still looked suspect.

So we went to Mabvuku Police Station, where I was basically grilled all morning about a supposed hit-and-run because my car had all the evidence that I had committed one.

Never mind the fact that it was probably a fight outside Kebab that happened at (and on) my car.

So they sent a bulletin out to all the stations asking if there’s any hit-and-runs reported. Seriously.

And they kept my car for forensic examination (whatever CSI stuff that is) and they’ll let me know whether I’m cleared or charged.

Now, I’m innocent so I’m not really concerned. But you hear horror stories about innocent people disappearing into remand prison for years before they even see a courtroom.

So I’m actually scared shitless. Imagine if they try to pin something on me? It could happen.

Imagine.

Published by Joe Black

30 Replies to “When the funk hits the fan”

  2. If you committed a hit and run why the hell would you report “an incident” to the cops?

    As NWA so poetically stated, “Fuck da Police”

  3. If you had done something heinous like attend a peaceful march, attend an MDC rally or, God-forbid, whisper to someone about the state of the country at the local bottle store, then you would be abducted and remanded indefinitely at a secret location that the police dont know about (yet they escort you to and from that location for court hearings, on treason charges).
    But since your issue is only one of a suspected homicide, with no apparent political connection, just have someone ready with bail money when/if you have your remand hearing and you will be back at the kebab before you can say “to dollarise or not to dollarise”.

  4. Lol, innocent until proven guilty. In Zimbabwe. Maybe …

    Yeah, apparently the common sense defence falls on deaf ears round here.

    As for lack of political issues, guess you may be right. We’ll just have to wait and see. Homicide … really? Really!?!

  6. First question – that’s the story. If u asking what hapnd to m windscreen, I dunno. I just found the driver’s side (i.e. road-side) pretty well smashed.

    Second – when did I ever have reason to stop?

  7. You think it’s such a good idea to be mocking the police when under investigation? Suppose they are so meticulous that they check out your electronic activity. The alleged homicide or vehicular manslaughter (or not, seeing they still have to establish the blood is human) could quickly turn into high treason surely. Just saying 🙂 Watch your back Beezy!

    I like that you got a tour of the city’s police stations. I cant believe there is still a station called Rhodesville. A POWLICE STATION IN HARARE CALLED RHODESville after all that fuss over the schools.

  8. Don’t get wrong Tara, I didn’t mock the police. Besides that being a crime (or something), I’m just saying … I’m innocent?

    Anyway, if they could do a full and thorough investigation that could only help me, right? If DNA could find the guy/girl/dog/horse/baboon who smashed into my car, that can only be a GOOD thing for me, capice?

  12. DNA – that’s funny. I guess his/her details are gonna pop up on CODIS.

    Right first of all facts have to be established in the cops case and that s very unlikely. You would most likely face culpable homicide but that is assuming somone died. If no deaths then we are looking at negligent driving which is higher than the without due care and attention. That one involves points on your drivers licence and a possible ban.

    Drove through your small backwater town on the way to skies over the weekend and I guess I drove through it on the way back.

  13. This is assuming of course that they’d try and prosecute me for some random hit-and-run they happened to find. That seems kinda far-fetched, even to me. Why would they. Dunno, it just feels … strange considering I didn’t do shit. Although that’s never stopped anyone, I guess.

    Chegutu is not a backwater! If anything it’s right in the front of the water, with all its shame and naked ugliness there for all to see. Oh, and its undeniable charm and lovely people!

  14. *Drove through your small backwater town on the way to skies over the weekend and I guess I drove through it on the way back.*

    LOL!!! 🙂

    Whenever I see pictures of people suffering the reign of Uncle, Chegutu is the first growth point that comes to mind. 🙂 with its undeniable charm and lovely people, of course.

  15. Chegaz spawned brilliant minds; school ’em JB…!

    Which other town in Zim has an edgier blogger and draws wittier contributors!?

    p.s. no points for guessing which town im from… 🙂

  18. Oh no, I wasnt trying to score brownie points with J Beezy…!
    That post was covert self-flattery disguised as kissing up to the nutty blogger…

  20. Soz…

    BTW, if this thing is really bugging you, speak to our sista. She knows people who know people who noone wants to be on the wrong side of, who can get you out of your spot of bother…

  21. Yeah, it’s really worrying and annoying me, not knowing what up, and knowing these buggers varikunditsvagira nyaya!

    Although that’s the way of last resort I think, cos I’m clean, so I wanna see it play out.

  22. Sounds like a wee bit of hateration at play. You may have unknowingly rubbed some constable up the wrong way…
    Clarification – you drove from kebab straight to the cop station? That was ballsy considering Redds may have been on your breath? 🙂
    Dont you think they have spotted an opportunity to dollarise… you know, frustrate you into making an offer of sorts?

    @Tara – Rhodesville..lol… nice!

  23. some of us are from Chipinge – you should know what wise men come from the east. JB you drink such girlie drinks – you probably did hit someone.

    Here’s something you should enjoy:

    Muimbi anozikanwa pasi rose anonzi Chris Brown ari muchizarira maari kumirira kutongwa panyaya yaari kupomerwa yekurakasha muimbi wechikadzi anozikanwa zvikurusa ne chimbo chake Sumburella ella ella eh eh eh Rihanna. Mubepa remapurisa riri mumaoko e TMZ zvinozni Rihanna akataurira Chris kuti akamutapurira njovhera izvo zvakaita kuti Chris Brown amurakashe kunga nyoka yapinda mumba. Vaive munzira kuenda kuGrammy Awards uko vose vaifanirwa kunoimba asi gwendo gwakagugwa negurwe varikitana,
    Constable vatsemura nyaya iyi vatiivo Rihanna anga aka zvimba musoro, iyo huma yakazvimba kupfura mazuva ese…. yakamerera mbonje dzichiita kunga nyanga. Ataura zve kuti Kiri apomerwa mosva zve yekushandisa choombo chino kuvadza. hameno kuti pamwe kuruma kwaaita mwana sikana uyo awonekwa ane ma vanga emazino muma kumbo.Rihanna akakuvara….asi pari nhasi anonzi ari kutonhererwa nenyaya yabuda inonyadzisa iyi..

    ticha kupai mashoko amwe pano pinda nhau kubva kune va tapi vedu vari mhiri…..

    Mamwe ma shoko apinda anotaura kuti iwo munhu aka chaira nhare kumapurisa handiye nyaku pombwa asi munhu anga atori kupfurawo zvake payi itwa ma bhindauko aya. Akanzwa munhu achichema achiti ” mai ya hiii…….mai ya haa……..mai ya hoo…… mai ya ha ha ha akabva aziva kuti hapana mumwe munhu anozhamba kudai kunze kwa Rihanna. Mumwewo munhu aka bvunzwa zvainge zvaitika anoti iye akanzwa Kiri achibvunza Rihanna kuti ano pfeka Size chii ye mbama.
    rambai makateerera nhau

    Mamwewo mashoko abva kupinda munhau yedu ye vaimbi Kiri na Rihanna avo vaka dhashurana mumugwagwa anoti iwo kiri anonzi iye anga aka pombwa ne chapomba musi wakaitika matakanana aya. Zvinonzi akatanga kuhuchaya masikati paaka pihwa ma Test results na Chiremba achiudzwa kuti ava ne njovhera. Kiri haana kutora nhau idzi ne moyo kwawo ndokumbotiza chihwiti moyo chake achinotamba na Leona Lewis uyo wekuimba chimbo chake ” Zvichanaka ne nguwa” Zvirikunzi Kiri akatanga kubata bata Zviboda zva Riona apa zvese zviri muma ziso a Rihanna. Pavakazo pinda mumota vonanga kuma Awards, Zvinonzi Rihanna aka tanga kupopota ne hu Joki hwanga waitwa na Kiri pamberi pake. Akabva aedza kutorera Kiri ma key emota ndokuma potsera panze. Ndokuudza Kiri kuti ndosaka ndakakupa Njovhera kuti vamwe vasikana vasakude…….Achingotaura izvozvo Chete, Zvinonzi mwana Sikana akazongoona rarima rega rega achigadzwa chema tsenga nzungu…Zvinonzi Kiri haana kurova munhu…akaita wekuponda sezvo anonzi ane bhandi dema remutambo we Karate. Apedza Zvake kurakasha chimoko Kiri ndoku rova kagumbo nditakure achicheka Nzira netsoka otiza akananga muka Sand raini kaiva pedyo. Mapurisa paakazouya akawana Rihanna ari murwi wezvironda ndosaka vakazoti Unidentified. Zvaityisa…… Zviri kunzi ne vamwewo mweya wakaipa we dzinza rekwana Kiri, Pane zvinoda kuripwa.

  25. God Dammit Daddy! Could you please refrain from using such language that takes some of us in the Diaspora days to decipher. Jesus. I swear never even saw so much Shona in all my Primary and High Schooling days put together. I bet all that above translates into two sentences. Rihanna got bit and had the crap beat out of her. Chris Brown is a knob-end and his career (using term losely) if screwed. I love that JayZ reckons he’s gonna kill brown. I thought black people were past those Tupac/Biggie days.

    PS: How long you been working on this post? Bet it took so long for this week old story to be adequately translated. 🙂 That guy from a few posts ago advocating for Shona blogs would be proud.

  28. BD, quality.

    JB. Obviously I don’t know the right people that this hasn’t yet hit my mail box. Ma salad vanonetsa mhani.

  29. So what happened, how did everything turn out?

    found innocent, and… just a random fight on your window shield?

  30. A little late to the party, eh Jess? I was innocent as I said, guess some shit went down around my car, they cleared me of anything, gave it back.

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