You can’t depend on anyone. you can’t hang your heart on people doing what you ask them to do. You can’t expect them to follow through.
Sounds a bit like a Nickelback song, right?
It’s actually something I’ve had to think about, and it makes a big difference in your relationship.
See, you can ask someone for something, but the other person doesn’t have to do it, and importantly, you can’t judge them for that. Remember, the healthy person detaches himself from the outcome of any request.
As my guru once said, expectation reduces joy. Yes, I had a guru.
See, I was recently let down by a friend, and got into a funk about it. How could she? What have I done to deserve this? What is the fuck?
As I grumbled and listed the long line of disappointments I’ve had at the hands of other people, I realised I was the only one who was suffering. I also realised I had choices in each situation; remind them, ask someone else, go apeshit or be silent.
Unfortunately, more often than not I chose the silent martyr route. I know.
See, it’s a Truth that in life people will disappoint us. It is a Truth in relationships that we get hurt. However, if you remember that people are just human and fallible, it makes it easier to accept the downs with the ups.
Letting go of the outcome reminds you that you don’t control other people, but you do control yourself, your own behaviours, actions, reactions.
So if someone lets you down today, remember that you have choices. Talk to them about it, ask someone else for help, get into a funk, or a bunch of other responses. See it’s about you, not them. They’re just being themselves.
Your responsibility is to make sure you make your request clear, and let the outcome fall where it does. If there’s anything you can do to make it easier for the other party, then make those moves. If it works out, good. If it doesn’t, so be it.
So stop controlling and be a partner instead.
Now it’s time I stopped being a martyr (read: mhata) and talked to that friend.