You know, some days I wonder why we even bother. It’s always the same thing – we meet, we hang out, we do it, we catch a movie, we drink, we do it some more, hang out some more, then we drift apart. So, in an effort to simplify things for all my potential dates out there, here’s another list of 10 things, this time it’s a few basic requirements I have of my ideal girl. Just so we can have at least a chance at a meaningful and lasting relationship.
So at risk of great ridicule in the Scud & Nanny, here goes:
1: Speak English. And if you can’t, speak Spanish or French or Portuguese. You know I’m not listening to a word you’re saying, and I’m looking at your chest anyways, but being able to at least speak the lingo without making me laugh is v.important. If your native language is Spanish, French or Portuguese, and subjective to items 2 and/or 3, you automatically qualify.
2: Boobs. Have some. There’s a reason I’m looking at your chest while you’re talking. I don’t need triple-D’s (although those would be nice). But yours should be there, cause a nice pair of jubblies is v.v.important. If you’re an A/B, we can negotiate on the basis of item 3.
3: I like big butts and I cannot lie.
4: Waist/midriff….hmmm. Coca-Cola bottle would be very nice, but I’d be lying if I pretended to care. As long as I can tell where your boobs stop and your ass begins, we’re cool.
5: Facially, I go for all types. As long as you don’t make babies cry, I can take anything from plain to supermodel. Again, see items 2 and 3.
6: Your hair better be your own, or you’d better not have any. Not negotiable.
7: I don’t mind if you have kids. In fact, I think having a kid helps build character in a woman. But here’s the thing – I’ll draw the line at one. If you have a soccer team following you around, sorry sister, love ya but not for me. And if you don’t have ’em, all the better, means we can start our own line of beautiful little people. Either way, I won’t discriminate on the basis of past unprotected sexual activity. You naughty thing.
8: Oh yeah, character. Personality. Whatever, as long as you look interested when I talk, enjoy watching me play pool and understand the off-side rule, we’re cool. Also, you must be able to withstand occasional periods of neglect, whether I have shit to deal with or the Champions’ League is on.
9: Have a job. And if you don’t, have a trust fund. Or a big dhara. If you happen to be a student with potential for future earnings, we can negotiate on the basis of items 2 or 3. Preferably both.
10: Enjoy cooking. I prefer a steak, egg and chips for dinner, and a nice omelette after my morning glory. If you’re really nice to me, I might even cook for you. Once. Also, if you’re content to sit in a house while there’s dirty dishes on the table/in the sink/under the bed, don’t bother applying.
So, I’ve just described my perfect woman, and if you fit into at least 5 of the above categories, holla back. If you think you fit in all, bullshit. And if you’re a feminist and don’t feel like screaming at me in the comments, there’s always my email to shout at.
And Jade, if you’re reading this, I love you 😉