Hairy Twilight and the Werewolf of New Hallows

by Posted on

So here we are. In the great saga that is my life story, there are a few stains that have marred my youth (that’s youth in the ZANU-PF sense, of course … up to 35).

Of these stains, the most terrible have been afflicted by writers in the teenie-horror-fantasy genre. The people who brought you Hairy Plotter and Twilight.

That these literary monstrosities would be turned into films was inevitable from the start. That the greatest crime against movies has finally ended is a blessing.

The Hairy Plotter series of films was painful to experience, and thanks to my darling Mouse, I had to watch every single one of them.

Every. Single. One.

But finally it’s over; the whole business of Hairy and Blambidore and BaldOrNot and Whore-crotches is done. Forever (touch wand).

Twilight is one film away from ending, too. Yes … the vampires who sparkle (I mean, really, WTF). I had to watch the first part of the series finale this last Sunday (yes, I was chained to the couch) and wooooooow. Wow. It was slow. Ponderous. Excruciating.

And there’s one more to come. I don’t know whether I should be happy that there’s only one more to come, or pissed-off that there’s actually ONE MORE TO COME.

Please make it stop. It’s gone on too long. Like James Bond and the new Dallas and Wipeout and remaking Total Recall … it’s all so unnecessary.

I need this pain to stop. I need people to make real films again.

I need the Hobbit.

Published by Joe Black

11 Replies to “Hairy Twilight and the Werewolf of New Hallows”

  1. Whoa there Bilbo! granted Hairy Plotter started off as a steaming pile of excrement with nuts in it and i take no measure of pride in having watched them ALL…(hanging head in shame), but you gotta admit, the last 2 bi-skops were actually good and sufficiently dark and twisty that i enjoyed them.

    same goes for the twinkle twinkle saga, started out mind numbingly shit and reminded me of those terminally depressed teens from Dawsons Creek but the last two flicker shows are quite dope and watchable, in fact cant wait to feast my ocular organs on the last one, there i said it!

    And if you don’t like it, you can hop on your Nimbus 2000 and fly away!

  4. you know i recorded that shit, right? that means WE are going to enjoy it over and over and over again. Quality Time!! Plus, you’ll be happy to know i’m writing a Pothead dictionary for muggles like you my baby so you can understand me when i’m yelling spells at you for shitting on my Dumbledore, or Hagrid, or Hermoine…….even the damn snake horcrux.

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