A Portrait of the Artist as a Fallen Angel

Life is a sine wave. There are dips and troughs, with varying amplitude and frequency, but the graph is essentially the same. Up and down.

No matter how happy I am, I always get a nagging feeling; the stuff of nightmares really, that little itch – the light rat-like scratching in the dead of night which invariably turns out to be a monster intent on consuming you whole, balls an’ all.

When things are going right, and all is sunshine and fucking peaches, I always worry and wonder when it’s going to come crashing down in a heap of wasted plans and broken promises.

And then it comes – a stroke of luck so bad, so malicious as to look pre-planned, like some entity has been watching and waiting for the right moment to stick a pin in my doll. And I know, right then, that it begins. The time of plenty is over.

Then I look around at what I’ve broken, or whom I’ve lost, and I brace myself, because I realise the time has come. With every great disappointment comes another, and the one thing I can count on is that the dam has, once again, broken.

And whether it’s of my own doing or not, I can’t help feeling that great pain, like great happiness, is an unavoidable bottle-store pit-stop on this great dust-swirling piece-of-shit pothole-covered suspension-breaking tyre-swallowing road called life.

So now I know I’m fucked. And the hits just keep on coming.

74 thoughts on “A Portrait of the Artist as a Fallen Angel

  1. eish for sure, lol!
    Dude, JB, you’re a poet man, i really love the way you express yourself, pure literary genius mate, well done, i always love reading your posts man!!!

  2. ….my wife thinks so too…. dude, i’m posting this page as my facebook status,
    Ravi… that’s my name for all who don’t know me…. or do you….

  3. JB life goes on man… Liverpool always lets you down and you always seem to pick yourself up…

    And the I must say I like the new OH look!! Even tho I back our famous HSC

  4. You’re sooooo on the wrong track here. Let’s just say I haev troubles. Like anyone else, I guess.

    But unlike anyone else, I tend to whine about my troubles out in public. Fatal flaw, maybe 🙂

  5. Look JB, join the fucking club. Right now, even things that would never actually matter at all now matter. I hate to sound like such a wimp, but I was sitting right here in my open plan office the other day on the verge of tears. Why!! Oh, just over something as trivial and daft as the fact that I will never become the fifth member of Fall Out Boy and be Patrick Stump’s other half. I mean, come on. What the fuck is wrong with me? (please spare me the ‘you need to get laid’) I blame you for sending me ‘Dance Dance’ and I should never have bought that damn guitar (a word to the wise, buying a guitar because the guy taking the taster class is cute is a bad idea). Now all I can think about is how talentless I am and how attracted I am to Stump. C’mon! I never wanted to be in a band or be a rockstar before. God dammit!!!

    On a more positive note, I’m with Ravi man. JB, you are a fucking literary genius. See, when I moan, I whine, when you moan, it is like a work of art. Fuck, yet another talent I don’t and never will possess. How depressing.

    (PS: There bigger issues at play here but my subconscious chooses to amplify the trivial while suppressing the things that matter like the job that I hate, among other things)

  6. Hey Tara, don’t worry I hear you. I have two guitars, both hanging from my walls because I never have the time to pick one up. Can’t say I’m talentless, but I can’t be arsed to keep up the practise. That’s all it is!

    You should be happy, cos you can walk into a supermarket and buy a jar of peanut butter. I’m in bladdy Zimbabwe!! and I can’t do that. Lol. In the land of ” … my n-n-naaame’s nuts/I’m reeeeal popular”!!!

  7. Thanks Dude. Two guitars hah? See, that is part of what really depresses me. I am afraid that I will completely lose interest and end up with a constant reminder of my foolishness. I wanna prove I ain’t one of them who get a guitar ’cause it is cool to own one. I just wanna be ‘cool’ for being able to hold my own on one. So how long were you committed and did you make it out of being a ‘beginner’ to being a ‘guitar player’ and if so how long did it take with how much work? And did you take the cheap and antisocial alternative of teaching yourself or did you have friends or a teacher? You write anything?

    Seriously, two guitars?

    PS: I know, I digress from the real issues.

  8. Well, I used to play a bit … but when I stopped, it was basically almost for good. Anyway, moving on.

    —————
    In his interview with Australia’s ABC, Mutambara lashed out at the West interference in Zimbabwe’s political processes and told them to “go to hell”, describing the bloc as “collectively stupid”.

    “It (the West) can go to hell. Who are you? Do we judge your elections in Australia? Do we judge your elections and your agreements in America and Europe?” Mutambara charged.
    —————
    Hahahaha

  9. the dude is a nutcase

    other quotes from the interview

    “….Do you think I am stupid? When you ask that question you think we are foolish and we are very offended that you think we are that stupid. We are smarter than the Australians, we are smarter than the Americans, we went to better schools than most of these leaders in America, in Britain and in Australia. I am coming out of Oxford. None of your prime ministers can challenge me intellectually. So how do you patronise me and tell me that I’m going to be hoodwinked by Mugabe. You are doubting my intelligence. Shame on you.”

    “…I’m a separate political party, holding the balance of power in our parliament, and will use that balance of power in the national interest. I am not bound to agree with Tsvangirai all the time. When I disagree with Morgan Tsvangirai I will go against him. I am a separate political party with its own existence..”

    full transcript and audio: http://www.thezimbabwetimes.com/?p=2915

  10. Know who I pity? All those poor bastards who were hoodwinked into voting for Mutambara’s MD bloc, thinking they were voting for real change.

    In fact, I pity them more than I did the Simba Makoni/Mavambo fools, because at least they had an excuse. To go MDC and side with Prof and the Welshman? LOL.

    Caveat emptor, motherfuckers.

  11. No stop. It’s too much. There is nothing let credible than someone being this defensive.

    Another review: The new N*E*R*D album, Seeing Colours. (Can I just say that typing the name of the band is quite challenging, especially when trying to keep track of whether to use * or .)

    The album is shit. Read a review before I got to listen. When I did (with an open mind as I don’t take the word of a non black person when it comes to sorta black music), found out the reviewer had nailed the album. It is a piece of crap. The Neptunes are morons. They give away their best work and save the crap for themselves. I just feel sorry for the drummer. Because, it the Neptunes did decide to park the whole NERD thing, he’d be out of a job, and he looks sweet. I hate Pharrell by the way. Beautiful, talented short men tend to be very arrogant. I love you JB!!! 🙂

  12. N*E*R*D were always crap, even their first album was horse-shit.

    Anyway, I’ll let you all know that my mood is improving, thanks to the Death Row Greatest Hits Disc 1 album!

  13. She wants to move was good though.

    Can’t imagine how such aggressive music can lift spirits. I turn to Britney when things get bad. Just looked up Death Row and found the following quote, ‘As a result of Dr. Dre’s having previously left the company, Tupac’s death, and Suge Knight’s incarceration; Death Row Records imploded almost instantly.’ So tragic. So Death Row or Bad Boy? Tupac or Biggie?

  14. Listen, I’m West Coast in spirit, that’s why I enjoy Death Row’s records. But I draw the line at Tupac. That nigga couldn’t rap, his shit was over-hyped. Fuck Tupac.

    I can’t stand most of Bad Boy’s shit – I think the only thing Puff ever got right was Notorious. After Biggie died, nigga fell off yo!

    Notorious BIG is the greatest artist ever to hit the music world, before and since. So I’m a little mixed between.

  15. Interesting lingo there. Make a nigga wanna take back what she said in an earlier comment about your literacy. 🙂

  16. You think you have problems: I got hit on by a drunk white crazy South African lesbian last night, offering me her ‘hot’ pussy (her words not mine) and simulating a black woman having an orgasm on the street AND fondling my breasts in the process. That my life has come to this.

  17. Was she pretty. 🙂 Would you be just as mad if it was a straightblack Zimbo man? Just wondering whether you mad coz of what they did or that it was a lesbian who dunnit or South African or a white person. I ain’t implying anything, just interested.

    And, yeah, that’s unacceptable behaviour whatever the case.

    JB, if you haven’t already, you should look into watching The Wire, best show ever on TV. And it has black people.

  18. Actually, I love the show so much that I’m seriously considering getting you the 1st Season box set for Crimbo.

  19. Beenie Man said it best when he sang ‘I could a neva…will neva…suck no poonani’. There are places my nose will never ferret even were all the d**ks in the world to dry up and wither away.

    So the US men and women fucked up the relays. A sorry state of affairs when they can’t take home a single gold in the sprint events. Tara did you watch your Marlon and his friend Craig mess up the handing over of the baton.

    Jacques Rogge has criticised Usain for being overly showy in his win? What’s with that?

  20. Jacques Rogge is an idiotic arsehole, Insane Bolt can do cartwheels for the last 50 meters for all I care.

    The guy’s an athlete, and all athletes are, of course, immune to showy displays of supremacy. Yeah.

    Besides, he competed in Olympic YACHTING … don’t they spray each other with fucking champagne? Or, I guess he never scored any tries when he played Rugby for Belgium.

    Poes.

  21. so what happened next Elle, did you accept her offer?

    Biggie ruled, then he passed the crown to Jigga who been holding it down since.

  22. Fucking Craig Pickering! Nah, didn’t get to see it. I guess the Jamaicans have this one. What with all the other big guns missing out. Mind, with Asafa’s lack of discipline, and the lack of discipline in the Jamaican team, Japan might get it. I actually want Japan, China and one other (except Trinidad and Tobago) on the podium. Give non-black teams that usually stand a chance a chance for once (kinda like the Democratic and US presidential race, no obvious winners). Elle, you with Japan? Just this once? 🙂 At least the US is out.

  23. Oh, and I think Usain better watch out. He could fall like his boy Asafa Powell (the son of two minister-Eish). Remember all that raving about him and things kinda went pear shaped inspite of being the second greatest runner ever after Maurice (schmuck) Greene. I know, it is a great achievement to celebrate and all that blah, but he is from Jamaica, and the Jamaican coach knows how to pick them , but not how to reign them in. If he knew how to do his job, the Jamaicans would be unbeatable. You just watch Usain. Granted, he is good, but his lack of discipline will be his downfall.

    Anonymous, others could argue that the genius in Jigga(wah) is in his ability to steal other people’s material. That the man ain’t the most original.

  24. Uhm, Tara, where does Bolt lack discipline? The guy likes to dance, what is wring with that?

    He dances before the race, he dances after the race. And usually after he;s WON. And set a new WORLD RECORD. What more does he have to be careful about?

    Vavengi.

  25. I’m just saying it ain’t gonna last. If I’m wrong, you can call me up on it. But, bet you won’t.

    By the way, the shit stirrer in me can’t ever remember which is Anonymous and which is Alias. I know one is white Canadian which means the guy above must be the black dude, right?

  26. Of course we can’t keep the OH look … I’m in pain just having it here.

    It dies on my birthday, 3rd of September is when the fortnight is up.

  27. I’m with Andy Tee on this one, the green colour scheme is so much more soothing and calming, less of an assault on the eyes. The catchphrase of the new millenium is ‘going green’, so you could hop on to that bandwagon as well. Come on, what do you say, huh? You know you want to be part of the hip(py) trendy movement that is all about the green and a few inconvenient truths (gags and reaches over for bucket)

  28. I’m with JB on this one the green is so painfull…..

    As for goin green u guys know that the ‘green’ car of note the Toyota prius chows more juice per mile than a BMW M3…
    watch ep1 of topgear s11 if u think i lie

    and how is it that the worst polluters tell everyone else to go green…

    i say GO RED

  29. Love the Green but I guess my anonymity has been destroyed. Sunungura Marasta.

    Anyway it’s OH v HSC again, this weekend in the semis. Last week it was a league game and we needed a bonus point to avoid them. Both teams suffering from injuries so the game will be interesting. JB if we lose you can change back. So it will have been less than a week. When you win you buy me a beer.

    Now to your comment – I hear you and feel your pain my brother.

    I have been a serial monogamist and over the years I have dated some of the most amazing women but things end. Most of the time because of me.

    Now I am with another amazing woman and am cautious and she said to me this morning that I am holding back. I think that’s the fear of fucking up and getting it wrong. So JB as much as that may loom over our heads there is no point in pretending about shit and worrying. You have to live completely and throw yourself into it and above all admit when you have fucked up and that would be tha case now.

  30. Jayzus BD, talk about running my dirty drawers up the flagpole! Ouch!

    Yeah I hear you, I did contemplate the holy mantra (DENY! DENY! DENY!) but I’m generally an honest bastard. C’est la vie.

    Tomorrow is another story, not sure if I’ll make the game, but will def try. This time we’re kicking ass, though! Ha!

  31. Dhlaks, you are taking advice from a man (Clarkson) who said that there was no such thing as online fraud, posted his details on the internet and then got hit by the fraudsters he didnt believe in? LOL! I hear you though about the hypocrisy of the green movement.

  32. Compare the “Green” adverts around London right now, and the broad daylight of places like Piccadilly Circus at midnight – It’s like everyone who doesn’t own a hotel in Central London has to “Go Green”, so they can conserve the energy for the rich and famous lol.

  33. Tara, I have no idea. I haven’t yet cottoned on to this highly commercial and new-agey version of “green” yet.

    I live in Africa. How much greener can one get?

  34. LOL @ JB – had to place my comment geographically there, seeing it doesn’t apply everywhere lol.

  35. JB don’t fuck up a good thing. If you already have, apologize and beg…

    and yeah Tara I’m the white Canadian. I posted last week as anonymous while far too drunk to operate a keyboard.
    Obama says hey Joe.

    Now I’m in Vegas and in overdraft. I’ll take debt to heartache anyday.

  36. Oh don’t worry, I’ve done enough begging to feed a small African nation. Eh? Oh.

    Oooooh drunken Saturday beckons. Yay. Cricket, rugby on telly, rugby at OH, braai later (that SHE invited me to) …

    …watch this space.

  37. I am sticking to my guns about Usain. One more season tops, and no one will care about him. You lot will be raving about some other face. But yeah, he HAS had an impressive season.

    JB, SHE? Why you gotta be so cryptic? Can’t help the feeling that you are talking to someone specific. There should be no secrets here.

    And by the way, at what point do your women get to find out that your life is the subject of discussion on this here blog. And when they do find out, do things usually proceed as they were initially, or do things just tend to go to shit?

  38. Tara?!?!? Usian HAS had a good season? How about proved himself to be the fastest runner on earth EVER!

    That being said, your second topic is far more interesting…

    I’m going to leave it at simply being in awe of Mr. Black for living,loving and blogging on his own terms.

  39. Any thoughts about Obama’s choice for running mate? Coz I know very little about Biden to be able to make any informed comments (never stopped me before, I hear you snigger) but is he not a ‘Washington’ man, the kind that Obama said that he was trying to steer clear of in his call for change.

  40. As for my love life .. I share what I feel like, when I feel like it. If I have any secrets, Tara, they’re mine to keep if I wish. Deal with it.

    Joe Biden … I’m reading good things, he’s a foreign-affairs expert, and he’s been around for a bid. Trying to balance out the ticket I guess, and apparently everyone trusts him, and he’s an all-round good guy.

    Allegedly. We’ll see.

  41. Not here to gloat. Not even in the slightest as we all know that pride comes before a fall. And boy did sports club fall.

    Anyway final this weekend. Who was that with JB with the matching hairstyle on saturday???????

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