Don’t drink tequila!

Not from the bottle, at least. Like it’s water and you’re a goddamn fish.

Like if you don’t take a swig from your Olmeca Black, all the world’s vaginas will close up and all football teams will play like Arsenal and killing cattle for food will be banned and toilet rolls will be replaced with sandpaper.

It’s okay to go giving everyone around you a shot. It’s good. It’s sociable. One shot each. Oh hi, haven’t seen you in a while, have a shot, don’t be a pussy, there you go, woohoo. Sharing is caring. Just don’t challenge any newcomers to a shot. Don’t offer to do one with them. You’ve had enough. Calm down.

Now to whisky. It’s not a competition. You’re not Charlie Sheen (winning) or Lindsey Lohan (losing). You’re smarter than that. Don’t drink whisky all damn day. Don’t have a Red Label and tonic with breakfast. Don’t then drink it all day, and switch to Black in the evening.

Don’t pull out a bottle of Jameson (with your tequila) and have at it like you’re a whisky rapist just released from alcohol jail. Don’t, again, DON’T swig from the fucking bottle.

And each subsequent bottle. You’re not “initiating” the bottle. Hausi ‘kubvisa huroyi”. You’re being a stupid fucking idiot, and you’re gonna get drunk. And get driven home by your boys. And lock your keys in the car. And fall down the steps. Then the stairs. Then into the bathtub, and you won’t be able to get out.

And the next day, you’re gonna spend the day between the bed and the bathroom, cos you’re totally buggered and you shall never do that again. Until next Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

You lucky bastard.