Elections Soccer Special


*switches to DeadBC*

Good morning viewers, and welcome to this broadcast of the much- anticipated Erection Cup final between Green Bombers FC and RedMore United (States) FC.

My name is Charles, and you can call me Challe. I’m in the studio with my trusty sidekick Farai, how are you today Faraiiiii? (Well Challe very exci …) Thank you Farai, we’ll talk to you much later, as you know I never let you finish a sentence! (Yes Charl …)

This match is being played at the Giant National Sports Stadium (Trademark), built by the Chinese, and currently undergoing very slow renovations. For the first time we’ll be using astro-turf here at the GNSS (TM). The playing surface was installed and is being maintained, eh, by an Israeli company, Nikuv something or other.

We go down to the sideline now, where Spencer is speaking, in his customary falsetto, with a Chinese gentleman roughly the same height. Over to you Spencer.

(Yes Challe, I’m here with a Chinese contractor who says the Israeli astroturf is worth every bread of fake glass. Pressed further, he admitted that he swapped his Rs and Ls when speaking to intentionally confuse Aflican interviewers. Oh wait, you litt …)

Okay thank you Spencer for that concise update from artificial pitchside. (Yes that was fuc …) Shut up Faraiiiiiiii, you’ll speak when spoken toooooooooo.

Now we have the teams coming onto the field, but it seems eh in this match, eh, there are some *special* rules being applied here. Looks like our referee Jakes will be watching this one from the pub down the street, it appears he won’t even be blowing the whistle today, maybe he’s in the pub looking for someone to blow it for him. Strange, indeed, we’ll see how that works out.

The linesmen, oh forgive me they’re called eh “assistant referees” these days. On the near side we have Rita, a female assistant referee, assisted by her own assistant Joyce to carry her umbrella and oh look it’s a white man, Geoff, carrying her water!

Wonderful match this, with people of all races coming together to revel in the beauty of sport, Farai. If you look in the crowd you will see many revellers, happily imbibing of their particular beverages of choice OH LOOK THERE’S THAT MAN AGAIN, OKOCH … sorry false alarm.

As I was saying, the revellers are out in full force, drinking in the stands and not paying attention to any goings-on from the field of play here.

Okay the teams have lined up, unfortunately it seems that one team has more players than others, in fact Green Bombers appear to have members of the army and police in goal for them. I don’t know if that is in the FIFA rules, but lineslady Rita simply waves away any protests.

Now we have the captain of RedMore busy remonstrating with the ladies here, he’s quite a stocky chap that one, hehehe Farai. (Yes Charles if you measure his girth …) Oh wait Faraiiiiiii, we now have the farside linesman, one Tobaiwa, or TB as he likes to be called, comes sprinting across the field and tackles the RedMore captain.

Now TB is sauntering back to his touchline, it appears his namesake on the RedMore team is muttering something about suing!

The game has not even kicked off, and there is an abundance of drama here. It appears the RedMore guys were asking for the official team-lists, but the match commisioner simply known in presidential circles as Oga had turned a blind eye, so TB took it upon himself to show RedMore who’s boss when nobody was watching.

All this is happening as the Green Bombers players are warming up, busy scoring in their own goal, with a few practising their Mugeyis over the baaaaaaaaar.

OK it appears we’re ready to kick off here, the ref is absent so the ball is starting from the RedMore penalty spot. And it’s a goaaaaaaaaaal, Green Bombers put it past the hapless RedMore keeper. I must say he didn’t make much of an effort there, he’s a recent transfer from MaKaDhakwa United, aka MKD, and he appears completely useless Farai! (Totally worthle …)

And it’s another goal. And another one. It appears now that all the Green Bombers, who appear to be many more than their opposition, are even calling their substitutes, technical team, family members, there’s even a dirty old mahobho with a straw hat on the pitch here! They’re all taking turns to score from the penalty spot with nobody seeming to care!

Oh wait, it appears all the RedMore players were struck blind when one of the linesladies, I’m not sure which one, lifted her skirts and did a rude dance like the Chimurenga Choir ladies, hehehe that is my favourite video Farai. (Yes Charles I particularly enjoy it when they shak …)

Oh wait Farai, is that … yes, that is Jakes running from the tunnel, I guess he left the bar long enough to blow the final whistle! And he appears to have a shower-head on his eh, uhm, head. I wonder where he got that from?

Anyway, the match is over here, the scoreline is Green Bombers 77-0 RedMore, what a wonderful display of attacking football. Almost unbelievable, if I hadn’t been here to see it for myself. Despite a few technical hiccups, that was the most wonderful soccer match ever played at the GNSS (TM).

The match commissioner is now congratulating the victors Farai! It’s time for the presentation of the Erection Cup to Green Bombers, but it appears the guest of honour, a Mr SADC, is missing Farai. I hear he has collapsed in his Meikles suite, maybe it was all the expensive whisky he has been drinking all week.

Oh it seems like some members of the media are chasing TB around, still begging for the team sheet (Albeit after the fact Cha…) and wondering why Green Bombers had too many players on the field. Oh he seems to be saying some of them were pairs of twins, always joking that fellow hehehe.

This broadcast was brought to you by Engine (No Charles it’s Anji …) SHUT UP FARAIIIIIIIIII I am never wrong. Anyway, uhm, here is hoping you enjoyed our broadcast of this match, even though it was over before you knew it, don’t worry. Trust me that all was in order, and it’s time for all players to move on and start preparing for next season. Spectators are now spilling out into the streets, some reports have them streaming straight across the Limpopo, hehehe, I wouldn’t know because I don’t have a passport Farai. No photo could capture the wild and patchy glory that is my hair. (Your hair is glorio …)

Thank you so much, I’m Challe (And I’m Far …) and have a blessed five years.

*fade to black, cue circumcision advert*

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