You’re a striker. You haven’t scored in 15 hours of football for your new club. Your mate wins a penalty, and up you step, gamely placing the ball on the spot. The Portsmouth keeper has no chance, we reckon.
A hush falls over the crowd…you promised to jump into, arguably, the most famous end in football ground history, The Kop, if you score. A few wary old-timers and youngsters in the front rows look on with understandable trepidation as you line up the kick…
…and Jamie Ashdown blocks it! But hang on, here’s Zenden, the man who won the bloody penalty in the first place, to head it in, the crowd goes wild, Liverpool have opened the scoring, but you can only smile ruefully: how much easier can it be?
You are Peter Crouch, a worthless giraffe of a footballer.