I’m fat, you’re ugly, we’re even

Yes, I have gained weight. Yes, I do have a big stomach now, and yes, I’m proud of it.

I know it’s easy to make the pregnancy jokes. Call me Fat Joe all you want, it’s okay. Give me advice on how to get rid of MY paunch. Go ahead, wonder aloud if I’m now married, cos a woman’s cooking is the only way I could have gotten said paunch.

By all means, tell me how I’ve become fat and lazy and let myself go, and I need to do something about it before I become “cursed” forever. It’s easy, isn’t it?

Well, you can feck. Right. Off.

I don’t mind that I’ve gained a few pounds; in fact, I’m pretty damn pleased. I don’t mind that I’ve become the easy target of a few unimaginative lames spewing repetitive fat jokes; I welcome it.

It just shows me how stupid people can be. Until you buy my fecking groceries, don’t tell me how to eat. Until you pay my fecking gym fees, don’t tell me how to exercise.

You have your own problems, deal with them before you try make funny little jokes about when my baby’s due.

And if you do, don’t expect me to smile and take it like a good little scout, cos I’m not a good little scout, I’m a snarky motherfecker who’s probably much wittier than you.

Why am I so fat? Cos every time I feck your wife she gives me a biscuit.

Why are you so broke?

52 Replies to “I’m fat, you’re ugly, we’re even”

  1. 1. you’re not ‘fat’. i’ll show you fat.
    2. wen we have a baby due trust me, they’ll sure as hell all know about it
    3. i’m proud as hell and nobody else’s opinion matters

  2. OH Jesus’s ….. breathe, take it easy Joseph..it ain’t that serious, take it from one who has been a few.. ok maybe a lot over norm for a couple years now.. they keep talking… but it don’t change who you are.. breathe homie…

  3. I’m breathing now that I’ve let it out … it gets annoying listening to someone say shit you’ve heard millions of times before, and they think they’re being funny and original.

    I don’t have to tolerate it.

  4. Joe you are fat! Lawd ave mercy! not in a millions years did i think you could put on weight.
    I guess life aint a bitch after all! I hope you still not sulking after our windows 7 chat.

  5. The last laugh is on all those skinny people then because as my brother informed me yesterday “Its fat people dating season (winter) in a few weeks…skinny chicks and dudes are going down with the summer sun” This is all assuming you are heading into winter like me…lol

  6. I don’t think an economic refugee can talk to me about “bitch” fits, but anyway …

    Fat people dating season? LOLest, I’m sure even skinny people get a lot of play in winter!

  7. dude we’re all fat. nothing to be proud of. letting it go sometimes is cool but there has to be a point where the jokes are no longer funny and you realise that if you don’t start to do something about it – soon the belly is not just a belly and soon it becomes you. work on it dude. if you wanna come and run – there’s a fitness club at OH. not being facetious but after thirty the metabolism slows down and we need to work harder if we still want to eat and drink.

    how about a challenge. btw – fat fuckism is relative – I weigh 118.5kg’s – thought I’d cheer you up

  8. I’ll do what I do about my belly in my own time and at my own pace, being MY belly and all.

    Thanks for the offer, though. I respectfully decline.

  9. ROTFL, Buff wow dude… you better be like 6foot 4 or something! And JB, your leeeetle pooch is clearly nothing, Minnie still likes it hehe. (Unless she’s fat. In which case this means nothing)

  10. I need to see you first then comment.
    But if I see you and you get me pissed drunk on green bottle lagers and single malts then I’ll not comment for a while.
    And if this drunkeness happens while we at a Mereki-like joint with much meat and wanton hussies then I shall not comment at all.

    Moral of the story: none.

    But activities above may still be embarked upon.

  11. Are you getting the, “inga wasimba’ euphemisms?! LOL.

    I’m sure the missus will argue there is more of you to love 🙂

  12. @ Buffdaddy, are you aware of the dangers of being 118.5kgs. Your health care insurance should go up upon such disclosure. and so should Joe’s!

  13. This is Zimbabwe, our health care is guaranteed and our premiums are fixed according to package, not conditions, whether pre-existing or otherwise.

    Bharanzi 🙂

  14. I forget…to socialist we are all equal. Therein the dangers, perhaps therein the new found arrogance in such i’m fat and you are ugly nomenclature.

  15. Dear God,

    I really could use your help here! I know that you’ve been busy in the past century. I noticed from the continued persistence of the HIV/AIDS epidemic in Africa, the ever progressive climate change seeing the planet go to shit (oh, sorry), then there’s the whole thing between 39 and 45, which thankfully, the Americans sorted out for us. And, then there was Rwanda, you may have seen it in the news. And then there’s that man with the big hat who works for you, who has made many dangerous claims about what you may or may not have said, ant the people who work for him who like playing with little boys, and then that other man, who also claimed you spoke to him and told him to go to Iraq. And the biggest clusterfuckup (for lack of a better word) of all, that Middle East business, eish.

    Anyway, I know I haven’t spoke to you in like a decade, since I came out of the closet as an atheist. Not once have I asked you for anything, so I figure, you kinda owe me one, God, at the very least. You see, I have a ‘friend’ for whom I care very much. Some bullies have been picking on him and saying some really nasty things that have upset so. I hoping that maybe you could just step in this once, and smite these little fuckers so that Joe, my friend can be happy again. You know, like you did with Sodom and Gomorrah (BTW not a fan of that work, but Joe is hurting). Alternatively, maybe you could send one of your angels, maybe Gabe, if he isn’t busy, to grab Joe by the shoulders, give him a brisk shake and a nice cold slap across the face and tell him to get a grip. I am sure Joe won’t like that, but I’m sure he’ll thank me later. I just don’t like to see him like this, seeming to need people to tell him he looks fine, or no one notices or care or that those people are fuckers. He is Joe Black for your youknowwho’s sake.

    Anyway, in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

    Love Tara.

    I mean, Amen

    PS: Any chance you could also take care of cancer while you’re at it. It’s proving to be quite the little fucker down her.
    PPS: I can’t thank you enough for Obama. It had to be your work.

  16. Hahaha Tara, you’re the little fucker. I don’t need people to tell me I look fine, cos I know I do. I just don’t need people telling me ANYTHING and me grinning and taking it like a joke.

  17. JB, wheat, chaff, it’s the little things.

    iye chicken george akazomboenda kupi? where is he plying his trade

  18. Sorry, just finished reading this book, Girl with a One-track mind: Confessions of the Seductress Next Door , and I gotta say, it put ideas in my head. It’s based on a blog by the writer. JB, you ever considered writing a book? Perhaps on your adventures in the Sunshine City and beyond? You know, especially back in the day, leading up to our engagement?

  19. Yeah, I did start a book, and was actually half-way through when my laptop was stolen at the beginning of last year.

    I haven’t found the energy since, cos that thing was started in 2003 man.

  20. Defiant in attitude and abdomen!!

    Unless you are bordering on health risks or turning your woman off, it ain’t nobodies business.

    I’ll drink a calorie laden barley beverage to our growing paunches!

  21. Just view your body as a temple. Insist that you are looking well and buy a bigger size or two. Also remember to suck those cheeks in whenever anyone takes a photo.

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