Personals ad, and other stories

Uncle Sam - desperateWanted – trillionaire. Octogenarians with faulty hearts/chronic illnesses/terminal illnesses preferred. Penchant for Viagra a must. Debonair good looks not a requirement. Numerous offspring essential (as this womb is not for hire). Own transportation required, wheelchair or hoist will do, as long as both are motorised.

In return, offered: all manner of conjugal rights, intimate Kama Sutric knowledge including (but not limited to) the ability to ‘make a Sprite can disappear in my mouth’. Acts prohibited under specific statutory law codes in more than one country. Ability to cook up a storm, on any front. Or behind for that matter.

Billionaires need not apply. With the rapidity of the depreciation of the Zim Kwacha, your money aint worth the paper it’s written on.

On a more serious note, I am really tired of this work gig. Took a week off work which has managed to dull my homicidal tendencies, but at the same time made me realise that I really, really hate my job. More than I have ever hated any other job in my entire life. Granted my propensity to hate is legendary, but I have plumbed all new depths of despair.

If it was a product, it would be marketed as ‘new and improved despair, to help you go that much deeper’. Kinda like Viagra, but without the mandatory happiness. Oh to have been born to rich parents who would fund a round-the-world trip to help me ‘find myself’. Although weighing over xxx pounds, it’s kinda hard to lose myself.

So if anyone out there has any bright ideas, preferably inexpensive because I am currently in line for Third World Debt Relief, about how to get myself out of this essentially self-imposed rut, this is officially a plea for help.

p.s. if anyone does chance upon any men fitting the above criterion please speedily despatch an email to me at:

31 Replies to “Personals ad, and other stories”

  1. She’s back ๐Ÿ˜€

    Actually, I’da thort you’d want some young sprightly thing to keep you all revved up at night.

    As for the job, why dontcha just quit and come ho…wait, no, bad idea. But why do anything if it keeps you unhappy?

  2. three words: Anna Nicole Smith, without all the legal battles afterwards. Okay, so that is nine words, but you get the drift.

    I keep doing it because I have few other ideas about how to keep food on my table and a roof over my head. Flying home also costs in the region of US 3000 so I have to do a fair bit of prostituting myself to one evil or another.

  3. Thanks you, I did get your early morning SMS ๐Ÿ™‚ Talk later.

    Elle, at least if you come home you can get a flat (being a small house)…

  4. I see we now have an All Black theme headlining. Pointless then to ask where your allegiances lie, huh Jayb

  5. hapy birthday s… and by the way l thot yu got yoself a man fiting yo requirements on the……….day of……… l’m sure yu knw wat l mean

  6. Am I missing something, gars, what are you talking about? Coz you dont seem to have the general gist of the convo. its Joe Blacks birthday, and I am sure he aint looking for no man….I hope. Well, not as long as there are still Keg/Tipperary waitresses around.

  7. I don’t know if I’m the one who got told, or if gars got told, but still … oh SNAP!!

    I wonder if this waitress/hoe thing will ever die …

  8. the name of this site should be changed to Rustybedpost with the number of rooms JB and Ms. J should have gotten.

  9. Not sure which rap(art)ist said: you can hate me now, but I wont stop now. Good words to live by. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  10. WOW flashback. The Jameson discos and talent shows. Those were some days. Always did the lip syncing so as not to have t pay to get in.

  11. No, lip synced to a couple of salt n pepa songs (none of you business and ), a 702 song, Britney Spears (her fist single, oh hit me bay one more time), did Steelo, a foxy brown number (i’ll be) and something else. Four years of some serious ripping off of some unknowing victims’ work. Okay, after that list, it all sounds incredibly lame but it was all i could do to try and become popular at school. I neveer was by the way. You can hate me now was one of the songs that was always playing in the hall before peole turned up for the gig itself.

  12. Hey Tigz I remember that shit dawg, we rocked! Twas you, me and Hami and it was so last minute we barely knew the words?!?

    Good times bra, good times ๐Ÿ™‚

  13. Hami…Mr Hamilton to you, aka baba Nikki and more recently Baba maTwins. Yep, he is a pround father of three.

  14. So Tigz, how is the becoming ‘a proud father’ coming with you? Anything to report from one of Jamie’s pretty boys?

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