Ten things I learned at the rock concert

Some of you may know that I went to Rock Down Harare on Saturday, the annual multi-band rock shindig I’m kinda turning into a tradition. With my mates and three cooler-boxes in tow (mine filled with Miller Golden Draught), we headed to the Borrowdale Racecourse to see what we could see.

The music was good, the sound system was awesome (same guys who did HIFA apparently), and we had a great rocking time. I also learnt a few things about my paler brothers, and thought I’d share.

1. White people are still here. If you thought all the “whites” had left Zimbabwe (after losing their farms to the war vets and watching a black headmaster ruin their kids’ beloved school) then you’re very, very wrong.

2. White people love rock music. They can’t dance, they do more shouting along than singing, and are mostly too pissed to even remember the words. But they love it, the louder and screechier the lead guitar, the more frenetically epileptic the dancing.

3. White people love Castle Lager. In copious amounts. You’d think Natbrew had secret underground pipelines to the Farms, because it seems the average white man (or boy, or woman) can consume a Brahman’s weight in Castle.

4. White people take chairs everywhere they go. From the peaceful (and relatively civilised) environs of the HIFA main stage, to the raucous hedonism of the Rock Down Harare concert green, you can’t walk ten meters without shin-banging against a garden chair.

5. White teenage girls hunt in packs. Okay, all teenagers roam in packs, but there’s something strangely discomfitting about a horde of (vodka-sneaking) little girls, braces bared like fangs, mini-skirts skirting the borders of decency.

6. Oh yeah. White girls wear mini-skirts. Mini-skirts so short they wouldn’t look out-of-place in a rust-belt dust-bowl strip joint. Minis that wouldn’t be off if worn as belts.

7. White people have cooler-boxes. Maybe another relic from the Good Old Farm Days, but every white man has a sturdy cooler-box. Next to his chair. Filled with Castle.

8. White people park wherever they want. Try parking along the road and not in the designated car park, and a (black) security guard will rush you with the speed of three dogs and get you the feck out of there right quick. If a white man comes and parks in front of you along said road, nothing happens. Whining to the guard won’t help.

9. White people will pay. Charge a ten (US) dollar cover? They’ll pay it. Charge five dollars for a pissy little “burger”? No sweat. As long as the Rock is on and Castle’s in the cooler.

10. White people know how to fecking party. Keep the music playing and the booze flowing, they’ll party their arses off till morning, no fighting, no pocket-picking, no bottles flying like wherever the Blecks congregate.

This is by no means a comprehensive list of shit I learnt at the rock concert, but I guess it’s a start. Maybe now you’ll understand The Whites a little better.

Oh, one more thing. If you’re white and are pissed off cos you don’t understand satire, please feck off cos I don’t really care!

28 Replies to “Ten things I learned at the rock concert”

  1. So whites have cooler boxes and you have coller boxes. Just got to the Village and the office and the numerous other players that they “hide” and you will see that they are very much in effect and loaded with loot.

    Don’t do rock down. BTW they do fight but after having everyone gang up against them they don’t fight amongst themselves too much.

    There is also a serious class war that is brewing amongst vit okes – some are more equal than others.

    BTW Black wut’s with the emotional venting on FB are you on or something?

  2. I think the post is quite complimentary of white. From this, I am just worried it is the blecks who may come off peeved off. Pissed off as they come off sounding like cheap (re: 9) pickpocketing, fight starting (re: 10), unprepared (re: 4 and 7) ass holes 🙂

    So, if a bleck had worn said mini, would she still be wearing it by the time the gig ended. I remember the days when you’d get you ass whooped into next Sunday for baring a bit of leg.

  3. BD I bet you mean “places” that they hide, not players. Touche?

    Yeah, they’re still loaded. What was that we were talking about Saturday? Black people are rich, white folks are wealthy. That’s Zimbabwe’s story, a legacy of colonisation. We can’t deny that.

    Tara, it’s just satire, blecks or vits can take what I said anyway they want, lol. I don’t give a rat’s.

    Tmen who beat you for wearing a mini are blecks – poor ones, who I don’t think were in force at RDH!

  4. A musician friend clued me in on what is about whitey’s dancing. Blecks dance on the beat, whitey on the offbeat. So you might be listening to the same song, but you are hearing different things.

  5. Elle, I strongly disagree. This is a very common misconception. Being able to dance on the off beat (or pull of syncopation) is actually a skill. One a person can be proud of and still shows you got rhythm. Granted, it is often the case that those who don’t get it tend to do so with spectacular results. The problem with people who can not dance is a lack of sensitivity to the rhythm. Unlike those dancing on or off the beat, where there clearly is no randomness, but a clear pattern, those with no rhythm do things at random, or to a rhythm that only they can hear or it is merely a case of the mind is willing but the body does not comply. Or maybe an upright epileptic fit*. There was bound to be some strobe lighting or something.

    * Disclaimer: Am not making fun of people who suffer from Epilesy in any way.

  6. Nice contribution to the “stuff white people like” opus.
    Was the festival a gringo affair or was it still a mixed crowd?
    As the Gate’s resident Western Imperialist Blanco I will point out a couple fallacies in the stereotypes though.

    1) White people CAN’T dance- actually white people can dance albeit in a manner looks awkward, uncoordinated, and dull to those used to dancing with their whole bodies based around the beat of a song. Seriously, remove the drum track from a song black folks would look just as silly. While you won’t see much booty shakin at some indie rock show, you might just catch some head banging, shoe gazing and of course foot tapping- never mind moshing or crowd surfing.

    2) White people party without fighting, stealing, or throwing bottles- I call bullshit my friend, as a stereotype not as per your experience at Rock Down Harare. Mix copious amounts of alcohol, loud music, guys and girls together and conflicts will erupt among white, blacks, browns and yellows.

    other than that the list pretty much applies.

    I’m off to Chicago for some rock music this week -albeit the band is mostly black- Tv on the Radio.


  7. I’m sorry. I gotta ask as I can never remember. Is Alias the Canadian or the Zimbo? Alias and Anonymous kinda always manage to become the same person. I only ask because I wonder if the above comment is a Caucasian take or one from a Black (considered going for the scientific term but thought better of it) person.

    By the way, can the Canadian bust a move? 🙂

  8. Satire is lost on you people. Alias, saying white people can’t dance would be like saying all nigras have rhythm. Simply. Not. True.

    And yes, I have borne witness to some legendary fights amongst my white brethren. I should tell you though, that Rock Down Harare was never a “mixed crowd” dude … very lily-white, and the occasional darkie (read: me).

  9. And on the subject of dancing, anyone ever observed that when it comes to gay men, there is no middle ground, shades of grey or whatever. You never get a man who is just alright. They are either really good or phenomenally bad. Of my gay friends and others I know, it is a fifty-fifty split. Can’t recall ever seeing any of my lesbian friends take to the dance floor though. Well, maybe, one who was good, especially when Madonna was involved.

  10. Oh, and am I the only one who is sick and tired of quotes from the parents of Madonna’s adopted son. Every version is different. Actually, the whole Madonna affair makes me sick. Well, except for the part where Guy walks away with a shed load of Mullah after Madge failed to get a prenup before hand. Idiot!

  11. what do you mean YOU PEOPLE????

    thanks Joe for the blinking light reading “satire”

    I wasn’t referring to your generalization of all white people being unable to dance, but rather the generalization of the style of gringo dance moves.

    Tara- totally agreed on the gay dance dichotomoy

  12. By you people I mean ALL YOU OUT THERE, regardless of creed, colour or dance skillz. By the way, I gots mad skillz, especially when dancing on a cooler-box. Anyway.

    There are different types of gringo dance moves? Cos it seems like, wherever you go in the world, there’s a White Dance Manual you all adhere to.

    If you’re not texas-ballroom-twirling-or-whatever-that-is your women around like tops, you’re zinging yourselves around aimlessly like … white people! Is there a secret handbook involved?

  13. hehe for someone publishing satire, it is ironic that a joke would fly so far over your head.

    Have you seen Tropic Thunder? You should checkt if they have a copy at that flee market by your old place in Avondale- too funny man.

  14. I’m not sure. I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to laugh during Tropic Thunder. Yeah, I could laugh at the black jokes, but I wasn’t comfortable with the R#t*rd joke. Robert Downy stole the show though. Never been much of a fan of Ben Stiller’s work though. Something About was revolting. The rest only managed to just about squeeze out a few laughs. I prefer darker humour. Like the Coen Brother’s Fargo and The Big Lebowski. Ben Stiller’s comedy is too simple or obvious.

  15. talking bout white people, dancing and tropic thunder..Tom Cruise had some crazy dance moves in that movie

  16. I’ve seen the trailers actually, it’s on my list of things to watch.

    Saw The Mummy 3 last night – not bad at all. The first mummy film I’ve actually enjoyed.

    Probably cos I have a permanent hard-on for Chinese girls and Jet Li is the KING! Awesome.

  17. Specifically Chinese? Or any Far East Asian woman will do? Because I bet you can’t tell a Chinese from a Japanese. I am more for Chow Yun Fat myself. I see Jet Li as a knockoff when you can’t afford the real deal. The Mummies are very entertaining. Still to watch the third instalment though.

  18. First of all, do you think I am an idiot? Cos if you do, you’re way off the mark. Yes, I can tell the difference. Fuck.

    Also, Chow and Li are worlds apart, they do different kinds of work. If you’ve noticed, Jet Li is an out-and-out action star (see Fist of Legend, Fearless and all the Wong Fei-Hung stories) whilst Chow is more a character actor (Bulletproof Monk, Crouching Tiger, even Replacement Killers in his earlier days).

    Apples and oranges, young lady. As for the first two Mummies … well, the first one was actually kinda scary. The second was tepid, really.

  19. Okay sorry Tara, kinda smacked you down there. I got a little snappish when you “bet” I can’t tell the diff between a Chink and a Jap?

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