Some of you may know that I went to Rock Down Harare on Saturday, the annual multi-band rock shindig I’m kinda turning into a tradition. With my mates and three cooler-boxes in tow (mine filled with Miller Golden Draught), we headed to the Borrowdale Racecourse to see what we could see.
The music was good, the sound system was awesome (same guys who did HIFA apparently), and we had a great rocking time. I also learnt a few things about my paler brothers, and thought I’d share.
1. White people are still here. If you thought all the “whites” had left Zimbabwe (after losing their farms to the war vets and watching a black headmaster ruin their kids’ beloved school) then you’re very, very wrong.
2. White people love rock music. They can’t dance, they do more shouting along than singing, and are mostly too pissed to even remember the words. But they love it, the louder and screechier the lead guitar, the more frenetically epileptic the dancing.
3. White people love Castle Lager. In copious amounts. You’d think Natbrew had secret underground pipelines to the Farms, because it seems the average white man (or boy, or woman) can consume a Brahman’s weight in Castle.
4. White people take chairs everywhere they go. From the peaceful (and relatively civilised) environs of the HIFA main stage, to the raucous hedonism of the Rock Down Harare concert green, you can’t walk ten meters without shin-banging against a garden chair.
5. White teenage girls hunt in packs. Okay, all teenagers roam in packs, but there’s something strangely discomfitting about a horde of (vodka-sneaking) little girls, braces bared like fangs, mini-skirts skirting the borders of decency.
6. Oh yeah. White girls wear mini-skirts. Mini-skirts so short they wouldn’t look out-of-place in a rust-belt dust-bowl strip joint. Minis that wouldn’t be off if worn as belts.
7. White people have cooler-boxes. Maybe another relic from the Good Old Farm Days, but every white man has a sturdy cooler-box. Next to his chair. Filled with Castle.
8. White people park wherever they want. Try parking along the road and not in the designated car park, and a (black) security guard will rush you with the speed of three dogs and get you the fuck out of there right quick. If a white man comes and parks in front of you along said road, nothing happens. Whining to the guard won’t help.
9. White people will pay. Charge a ten (US) dollar cover? They’ll pay it. Charge five dollars for a pissy little “burger”? No sweat. As long as the Rock is on and Castle’s in the cooler.
10. White people know how to fucking party. Keep the music playing and the booze flowing, they’ll party their arses off till morning, no fighting, no pocket-picking, no bottles flying like wherever the Blecks congregate.
This is by no means a comprehensive list of shit I learnt at the rock concert, but I guess it’s a start. Maybe now you’ll understand The Whites a little better.
Oh, one more thing. If you’re white and are pissed off cos you don’t understand satire, please fuck off cos I don’t really care!