The Single Guy’s Secret to Sexual Success

Heinz Baked Bean In Tomato Sauce 415gZimbabwe yakaoma– we all know this. We’re at the stage where if you don’t jump around, duck-and-dive, shuck-and-jive on a regular basis, you’ll die of hunger my young friend. Fortunately for some, the “down-turn” has presented The Bachelors a unique opportunity for…ahem…exploitation.

Remember the days when all it took to nail a UZ student was a trip to Second Street Extension for a chicken burger? That’s about the situation we’re in now, with a combination of factors making life tougher for all the younger ladies in Hahaharare, especially the working ones.

Firstly, if you have a car, stop reading this right now. You’re sorted already, and if you aren’t getting laid uri ndururani!

Now, with the random power blackouts, things are really tight for the young ladies. Aside from stocking up on fruits and tea loaves, there ain’t much you can do to plan around ZESA, unless you’re selling ass at Tipperary’s and always have money for take-out. This is where we, The Bachelors, swoop in and save the day.

Gents, remember the good old boarding school days, when you went to school with half your trunk-space filled with tuck? Doggy biscuits, cam meat, corned beef, canned spaghetti and motherfeckin Cashel Valley Baked Beans? You could survive on that shit without steppin’ inside the hostel dining hall, right? That’s why I propose the Baked Beans Theory of Sexual Exploitation.

The perfect candidate is one who always complains about power cuts – she’s ripe. Before you’re done spending your salary, go shopping for a bag of tuck, then go to her and say how much you feel sorry for her what with all the blackouts and all, and how you got her something that won’t go bad when the ZESA does. Just because you care, of course. No ulterior motives.

Lie back and enjoy the results. Repeat as desired.

P.S. – Don’t even think of taking her to the Scud, a beer is now 12 million, imagine how much those disgusting fruity alcoholic bevvies will be?

36 Replies to “The Single Guy’s Secret to Sexual Success”

  1. What the fuck is going on in this world. As if we aint got enough with global warming and all them pointless neverending wars. Now i gots to deal with racist brothers over here. and o think that aint enough, turnsout brihers in zimbabwe, though they very much love black women, they dont think much of them either. Last week i had to enjure a BLACK man declare that he (and his friends) found black women unattractive and repulsive. well except for Beyonce and Halle of course. I thought to myself, you know wht sod it, there are plenty blokes in Zimbabwe. I could fly one over. And then i read this. What the hell? Someone please, GRAW, please tell me there is hope for us Black ladies. I like ya, you seem decent, tell me you dont agree with Black and the moron who was on Vanessa Feltz trippin about black women. Just tell me that this is one sick joke or sumin. PLEASE.

    And Ladies, i havent been feeling well lately and am recovering. But i aint got much energy. Please give Black one hell of a ball busting coz this shit just aint on.

  2. hahahahahahahahahah maiweeee, hahahaha wandiuraya JB know what? I remember dem days when Chicken Inn was a guaranteed at the varsity haha!!!!!!! now it’s so bad its Baked Beans well done very interesting obversation.
    Galadriel appreciate the joke dont be so mad

  3. Look Mushaz. I am single and trying not to be. The last thing I need is to know that I dont stand a chance at a half decent guy. I aint asking for a commitment. I just want some respect from the opposite sex. Not to be considered as a pet who will do tricks for the meesly scraps of your plate. Is that too much to ask?

  4. How can any man not find you attractive? Those are fools, babe, you were right to consider us brothers at home. And of course we’ll respect you and appreciate you and all that shit…

  5. hey listen baby. I am not in Zimba right now but if you want a man to treat you right, I am he. although u sound like you are tryin too hard!

  6. Gala i got ya back, zim chicks is definately beautiful,they deserve respect, and i dont think you are trying too hard , i just feel you are stating what your mind feels, and letting brothas know that if they wanna get to know u better then they can… but having said that in all my travels (not that many) i have found that back in the day zim chicks are one of the hardest to get to know, they have a BIT of an attitude… but then again maybe my game was weak back then, anyway i digress, Black come on bruv, give the sistahs some respect…. Gala dont take joe seriously, as usual he is stirring up controversy for the masses, i am sure he doesnt belive a word of anything he wrote

  7. Firstly, Zim chicks are the best, case closed!

    GRAW, I ain’t in it for the controversy bruv, come home and see what I’m talking about! It’s looking fish in a barrel – with an M4!!

  8. JB sounds like you’re desperate or missing the IRISH PUB. So now you have resorted to ‘selling’ yourslef as a can of Heinz baked beans. Look at it this way, I don’t think she wants to queef (fart) during the pleasurable (not) experience, so I would rather buy her a candy cake. I can imagine JB by CUZZINS holdling up a can of beans and flagging down ladies in their cars!!!

  9. Mzeiks, wassup my china? Holding up a can of beans, bwahaha!

    Yeah you’re right, make sure she chows the beans far from your residence ek se, cos when she’s jolling you’ll see fire!

    It’s 12 thousand without the zeros…

  10. Are u really this desperate now to be offering girls food for sex? that is the death of your morality Joe, say goodbye to the civilised world.

  11. You GOT to be kidding me right!!! Shamwari, if all it takes for you to get laid is a tin of Heinz Baked Beans, we as a nation are doomed..doomed, doomed, doomed!

    Yups drinks at The Scud are ridiculous..but then again, when was the last time i really paid for a drink ๐Ÿ™‚

    Trax might be more your style Joe…ie CHEAP!

  12. Okay, first of all…what morality? And secondly, the world is anything but civilised.

    Thing is Vim, I’ve never been cheap, but only a fool would let opportunity pass him by…

  13. Is anyone out there and if so how many of you are where they thought they would be in high school, primary or even uni. What did you think you would be doing now and what are you actually doing. This could be with respect to work, relation ships or travel. Are you a doer or a dreamer. this could be a new post. What did everyone else expect? And finally, you happy??!!

  14. BWAHAHAHAHA that’s some funny shit!

    Sorry Gala, I’ll just sheddap and let you do your thang.

    Feeling a bit insecure today, are we? Not happy, hmm?

  15. damienMarli, your mother must be proud.

    Joe B, Catrall thought i would be a Doctor, my ollege teacher thought i should do medicine instead of Zoology. At university I thought i was going to become a Doctor of Philosophy in Zoology. gave up on that and thought better help save the world’s poor and now that is what i am doing. I am no closer to being the president as i hope in grade two and not a computer programmer as i hoped when still at Jamie. Evidently, I am a dreamer.

  16. Surely saving the poor is much betta than anything else better than delivering animal babies?

  17. Marillyn84 , you just described veterinery medicine. I was studying the evelution, conservation, animal behaviour and susch. It was great, wouldnt mind being a career student. So what was your plan and how is it playing out?

  18. going back to the initial topic, everyone has a price. and lets be honest, we all prostitute ourselves to one god or the other: be it at the temple of Mamon, or Bacchus or Epicurus (incidentally not a god, but you get my drift). I am not one to sit in judgement of a sister giving it up for a square meal, because I have never known real hunger. You do what you have to do to survive, and if survival means JB and beans, JB and beans it is.

  19. just sharpening my salvo. my ‘real’ job means that i dont get to spend as much time as I would like on the net. the sort of thing that makes me take a serious look at my life and decide that work is not my calling.

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