Your multiple-choice news update

Terror has once again gripped the United Kingdom; a wave of attacks has paralysed the nation and instilled a culture of fear among the peace-loving denizens of these scenic, many-blessed Isles.

Yesterday, two [a] muslim [b] British [c] random men managed to ram their [a] haulage truck laden with TNT [b] mini-van laden with fertilizer [c] SUV laden with gasoline into [a] a British army checkpoint in Basra [b] a British convoy in Afghanistan [c] a concrete pillar at Glasgow airport.

These two [a] al-Qaida operatives [b] highly-trained jihadists [c] bumbling idiots managed to [a] detonate their truck on impact [b] detonate their truck on a time-delay [c] prematurely set their truck alight, thereby resulting in multiple [a] infidel casualties [b] airport-crippling explosions [c] burns and injuries resulting from driving a burning vehicle into a concrete pillar.

In what is believed to be a linked attempt at a terror attack on British soil, suspected Islamic jihadists planted a [a] truck [b] van [c] early-model Mercedes Benz in front of a nightclub in London’s popular West End.

An expert interviewed by the BBC claimed all this was an Islamist plot to import Iraqi-style car bombings to London in an attempt to destabilize the new government.

No-one bothered to remind him that Iraqi-style car bombings are both brutally efficient and immaculately planned, and that no self-respecting [a] terrorist [b] pimp [c] human being would be seen in a green Mercedes Benz, let alone set himself alight before managing to hit a concrete pillar when it was easier to drive through the glass either side of said pillar.

Further details are not yet available, and we look forward to any revelations from the [a] torture [b] enhanced interrogation [c] questioning of both [a] Iraqi insurgents [b] muslim extremists [c] burn victims involved in the Glasgow attack.

We also await “evidence” from the numerous, well-documented and plainly visible CCTV cameras positioned in and around London.