I have a blog, therefore I am better than you

I write thousands of brilliant words a day. My writing is so brilliant it takes you an hour to understand a post I churn out in a minute.

I am secretly writing a book. I throw down chapters easier than Jamie Oliver cooks a meal. My novel will stun and awe, arouse and inspire, and I will earn more prizes than you earn Shona dollars in a year.

I have a life far more exciting than yours. I find humour and inspiration in what to you are mundane, everyday occurences. More exciting shit happens to me on the average day than will happen in your entire lifetime.

I am your role model – you wish you were me, and that a single event in my full and exciting life could be replicated in your dull, monotonously sedentary existence. If none of the stuff on my blog happens to you by the end of the year, you shall kill yourself.

I am in the ZIMSEC syllabus. Chaucer and Shimmer are nothing compared to my blog, and English teachers often fail to even understand what I’m saying. My writing keeps children in school, and teachers in jobs. I should be in Cabinet.

I am irresistible to females. Women read my blog and become instantly aroused, masturbating furiously over my latest blog post. Ladies pull me off the street to give me head in sanitary lanes, hoping to absorb just an iota of my talent. I never decline.

I have babies named after me, in the vain hope that sharing my name will bless the spawn with my ability to make presidents cry and popes faint with my brilliant wit, unconventional humour and majestic personality.

I rule the world, because I have a fucking blog my friend, and you don’t.

Who cares that you bought a Mercedes?

63 Replies to “I have a blog, therefore I am better than you”

  1. Malawi gold is very cheap these days or in the absence of running water have you been drinking your own kool-aid?

  2. JB, u gotta explain the Chav coz u cant typo like that on a qwerty!

    “ïntelligence”, muSand raini…nogal

  3. Tara’s a woman, and in my life they get away with anything…lol..
    Well, it being YOUR blog and all…tchk…NOT FAIR!!!

  4. JB not playing fair…lol…BTW, JB, how do you manage to keep this blog/forum sane? have not read a single thread that doesnt degenerate into nonsense after the third comment?

  5. correction…have not read a single thread on other zim blogs/forums that doesnt degenerate into nonsense after the third comment?

  6. alright we’ve stroked (figuratively) Joe’s ego enough for one day but if he genuinely wants to be a contemporary of Rushdie…
    I’m proclaiming a fahtwah against JB!

    Watch your back…

  7. Oh wait, we’re going all fatwa and shit? The peeps I usually diss in my writing don’t do fatwa, they do … disappearance.

    So yeah, the back needs the watching, that’s for damn sure.

    Feeling the love though, a good stroking is always appreciated.

  8. Anonymous ‘must OF’. SERIOUSLY dude? SERIOUSLY?!? Chirungu chako asi wakachikwereta ku ma chav emu London?

  9. Well the fact that the high court judges refuse to take any petitions from her lawyers about the police releasing details of her whereabouts can only mean that we are working towards a worst case scenario here. This is one of those cases where the saying ‘no news is good news’ definitely does not apply. You hope that one way or the other they find her soon. Coz it’s the not knowing that does your head in.

    Oh yeah, the east is in the same place it always has been JB. And I am still fighting the ignoble fight from my corner.

  10. Jestina is patight; this makes me feel for all the less prominent people who have been taken by the C-ten. I can only imagine what goes on when they visit a “nobody” MDC activist in Ruwa or when the green bombers visit a village in a remote rural area. No news coverage, no publicity… you’re tortured, raped, murdered then Life Goes On.

    @Elle/Tara, chav = ????? (gen gap showing…lol..)

  11. Cheltenham Average = CHAV. Cheltenham is such a fine little town. The race course is beautiful and it’s unfortunate such a lovely place has become associated with hoodies and welfare and all things wrong with blighty. For a true lesson in Chavness visit Dagenham is Essex.

    Check this out:

    An extract from the chav nativity play

    The Narrator: There’s this bird called Mary, yeah? She’s a virgin. She’s not married or nuffink, but she’s got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He does joinery an’ that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.

    One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She’s like “Oo ya lookin at?”
    Gabriel just goes, “You got one up the duff, you have”. She gives it to him large “Stop dissin’ me yeah? I ain’t no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!” So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who’s six months gone herself.

    Liz is largin’ it. She’s like “Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee and I reckon I’m well blessed. Think of all the extra weez gonna get on the social an’ that.” Mary an’ Joe ain’t got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an’ go dahn Beflehem. But there ain’t no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an’ Joe break an’ enter into this garridge, only it’s filled wiv animals. Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their ‘eads.

    They’re like “Respect, bay-bee Jesus” and say they’re wise men from the East End. Joe goes: “If you’re so wise, wotchoo doin’ wiv this Frankenstein an’ myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?”

  12. JB, “Stop dissin’ me yeah?..lol..

    Came across an interesting term while googling chav – “prole drift”; SA povo seem to have done to Levi Jeans what the chav okes did to Burberry!

  13. “All’s good that ends well” – or something like that… besides I’ll be in the Zimy land for the hols and i need you to dust some of your blog groupies my way..lol..

  14. Should be interesting to see how far they are willing to dig. Coz with so many other bullshit judgements coming out of the courts, and the few decent ones being wholeheartedly ignored, I am not holding my breath out for that one. But that Taibu kakashinga. Akazembera pai that he can continue to rock the boat like that?

  15. he’s black….
    he’s one of our better players…
    he’s from takashinga….
    and churchill….

    so its kinda hard for em to pin any shit on him….
    he’s their golden boy who’s decided to rebel…

    truth be told i really dont expect much from the court case

  16. He may just be that breed of plucky men who stand up for themselves. Looks like they trading punches and dhlaks first two points may be all he needs to back him up.

    And, true, nothing much shall come out of the court case.

  17. Mos Native, I would have you know I have been around this block a while, kinda like the village bicycle. But I am locking down my own business so I have been remiss in my duties on this end.

  18. I think your blog is cool not what I was expecting but ummm I guess it works for some people. Don’t you want to write something different? Its a bit generic like every other blog in the blogosphere. Anyway the main thing I wanted to point out or criticize is your stance on English speaking/writing capabilities. Being Zimbabwean english is not my first language and I gather it is not yours either, shona is. What is this obsession with English and how well people write or speak it? I would understand if you were dealing specifically with europeans but you are not. I think it is just testimony to how mentally colonized you still are, to still think in this day and age that english is superior to your own language. I find that pple who think like that are educated but not enough. Once you receive a decent education that pushes you past the plateau I assume you are on, you realize that the language one ought to be able to speak and communicate in flawlessly is the mother tongue. Every other language is secondary to that. Broken english is not evidence of stupidity or lack of brain power. hachisi chirudzi chedu, why do we continue to tread on our languages? Communicate in english if you want to, by all means, but don’t make fun or look down on those who can’t if its not their first language. I’m pretty smart and I love to write but my grammar is the worst but thats ok with me. We don’t need to promote English usage, it has permeated every fiber of our society, lets promote our own languages.
    Now a blog written in flawless Shona, that would be impressive, what you have here is just a run-of-the-mill-lacking-essence blog. And whats with all the frivolous talk? If you like to write,write something worth reading. Don’t cheapen the art with nonsense unless you’re aiming to be another Mduduzi Mathuthu. I seriously think there is a literature vacuum in Zimbabwe just waiting to be filled perhaps you could channel your talents in that direction.

  19. Okay. I hear you. Thanks for the (vague) compliment. Now you listen to me.

    I choose to blog in whatever language I feel like writing in. Both my parents are teachers, so I was introduced to The Language quite early on in life, and that’s my primary mode of comms. Not your concern I know, but now you know.

    I’m also pretty well versed in the vernacular, but I choose to THINK and also COMMUNICATE in the English language, because I am comfortable with it. That’s the way it is, and doesn’t make me a Blairite.

    If you have some sort of neo-colonial hangover and can’t stand people speaking, let alone blogging, in the Queen’s toungue then I suggest you fuck off and start writing your own Shona blog. See how many ad buys YOU get, bitch.

    All this nonsense about cheapening the art (the ART?? of writing) is a smokescreen to hide your own lack of talent or conviction my friend. If you’re writing the Next Great Masterpiece then please, feel free to bless us. I’d be first to review it, really.

    Until then, please do the world a favour and either write some shit or Shut The Fuck Up.

    Africans.

    P.S. Let me express myself in Shona – pamhata.

  20. IC, in case JB’s message didn’t get through, you my man/woman are a twat. Who are you to stand/sit there in judgement of other people. Go and do your shit and leave the rest of us alone to do ours. Who the fuck died and made you judge and jury. piss off you talentless cunt. The fact that you have time to come and sniff around here means that you have little else to do with yourself outside of jerking off to your sister’s photo.

    I dare you to come back and insult the rest of us again. All bets and gloves will be off then. no holds barred, I promise you.

  21. Since Shona is only spoken in Zimbabwe and most of the civilised world speaks in English is IC advocating that we neglect to speak properly the main means of communication with the rest of the world??

    Zvakaoma.

  22. I vote for shona only!!! Damn those colonizing sons of bitches who imagine us puppets. A plague upon those who try to control us with their foreign devil tongues…

    this would be the perfect point to put some Shona invective in all CAPS but alas I got nothing…

  23. Damn it Joe! Eleanor?! God dammit! Is it too much to ask to be nice for once? Now Ic ain’t never coming back. What?! You couldn’t just hold some of that back?! Did you have to throw open the flood gates? Just letting rip like that? You didn’t see fit to be a bit more tactful? You could have had fun with this guy. I’m with Alias. I dare you to post something wholly in Shona just to see how it goes. I also dare everyone else to follow suit, and reply in Shona. You know what they say, ‘don’t knock it ‘til you tried it.’ 🙂

    But, come on Ic. Seriously?! Give me a break!

  24. Okay, I admit my first response was rather heated, but I was rather pissed off. At this, mostly.

    “We don’t need to promote English usage, it has permeated every fiber of our society, lets promote our own languages.”

    Anyway, I won’t apologise for the invective, cos when someone needs a beat-down, they deserve a beat-down. As for posting in Shona, Alias you know y’all can’t read/write it, Myk3 you haven’t spoken it in years and Tara, well, you is Hinglish innit?

  25. Don’t be a hater a Joe.. I communicate in the venecular a lot. For what it’s worth, if i may blow my own horn, I got an A in O’level shona, first person in the history of my high school to achieve that remarkable feat. Nigga what!

  26. Well, I can see JB and Elle had all the fun, now the nyaya’s gone cold…tchk…well, that shall not stop me giving my two cents worth…

    Ic – rejecting ALL things colonial is an extreme and limiting form of inferiority. You are like the intellectual who reads Fanon, Biko, Toure, Cesare and henceforth does not extend their thinking beyond anti-colonial polemic. Or, the artist who limits their talent to anti-establishment expression.

    Only, you are neither an intellectual nor an artist.

    “Little knowledge is dangerous” – when you DABBLE in black consciousness literature, as I assume you have, read and UNDERSTAND. Do not skim over the surface, ignoring arguments you cannot comprehend, to pick up statements, at face value, and use them in conversation with the intention to impress – we will notice.

    There are noble intentions somewhere in your trivial rantings – only, you lack depth, in your understanding of what you attempt to put across, intelligence, in your assessment of this blog and the contributors, and conviction, in your use of the Queen’s language in a diatribe against the Queen’s language.

    If you learn how to speak, read and write in English from pre-school (or at least primary school); and you consider the split between English and Shona, of information and communication, across ALL media in urban Zimbabwe – you would have to be some kind of dumb, to not be near flawless in English – schooling in the sticks or living ekasi notwithstanding.

    If you got even a semi-urban upbringing in Zimbabwe and encountered english from a young age and, by your own admission, are not too articulate, you my friend, are some kind of dumb.

    The “literature vaccuum” in Zimbabwe has more to do with economics than intellect. Publishing is a business. With limited resources, a fucked up economy and a virtually non-existent market outside of school set-books, publishers are very strict about who, what and how much they publish. Noone is going to gamble on an unknown talent at the risk of shutting down if the book bombs.

    To sum it all up… Piss Off.

  27. I kid you not Joe, can produce my certificate if you like.

    Digressing a bit, was it just me but at my government junior school we weren’t allowed to speak Shona at school and would be punished if we were caught but at private high school no one gave a rats ass. Weird.

  28. I’ll respond to Mos Native because he’s the only one who has a sound argument. Have I read black literature? Not really and this is not where my opinion comes from, most black literature is in europhone languages anyway. most of those authors are just like you…I do not presume to be an intellectual nor an artist and my opinions are my own from what I have observed.
    vamwe vese:
    I do not dispute that there are people out there who speak or write flawless English just don’t think better of yourself because of something as trivial as that. I’m tired of zimbabweans like you bunch, so superficial, so caught up in trying to find an identity, who lack respect, no original thoughts,can not converse without cussing, take a look at yourselves and reassess. Seriously why do you have a blog if you can’t take criticism???
    That being said in all fairness I wouldn’t be able to write all this stuff in Shona even if I wanted to, and in that respect I am as bad you. But at least I realize the detriment in that.
    I’m in the middle of finals so please respond, I could use the breaks, pound away at your keyboards.

  29. I’ll take first swipe though I can promise it to be harmless in comparison to others.

    You know what is so good about having your own blog? Mainly that it is yours. You have ownership of a tiny little piece of cyber real estate and you can be President and Prime Minister if you see fit. Or you can share power and give others blogging rights on your domain.

    In short, we’re talking about sovereignty brother. Independence from outside intervention. You can try to appeal to the masses or you can blog solely for your own amusement with no aspirations of a larger audience. In the end that decision is personal and beyond reproach. Outside criticism of a blog is one of the most ridiculous things in the world unless the creator of the blog really needs to be loved by everyone on the internet.

    I’m not Zimbabwean so I’ll abstain from that part of the criticism bar this one point. Writing a blog from Zimbabwe is not the same as writing a blog representing Zimbabwe (unless the author specifically chooses that path). Frankly if Joe were to attempt to carry the flag of his nation on his blog, it would be a dreary, depressing read and I wouldn’t be here.

  30. You’re cute, in your own infantile kind of way. It’s not ab9out criticism or the inability to accept it.

    It’s the arrogance of your judging and making pronouncements on MY blog, when you evidently couldn’t even start to do any better.

    It’s easy to comment. The fact is, if you don’t fucking know what you want to say, find your own space and make your own identity.

    And if you don’t like cursing, please, fuck off 🙂

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