DSTV needs a porno channel

So you think you can dance? Okay.

But can you sing karaoke suspended from a crane whilst holding a rose with your feet in a bucket of maggots and simultaneously guess which silver briefcase hidden on the island contains the golden ticket to the woman of your dreams or else you’re fired?

If you survive, you win 5 minutes in the jacuzzi drinking grog from a pimp cup with eleven complete tossers then for bonus points you can hold a giant skull-tipped immunity dildo between your teeth for 2 minutes while your teammates collect dollar bills whipped up by a fan held by that bi-sexual punk rocker balancing on the top turn-buckle.

Afterwards please pack up your suitcase and ego and (invariably sad) life story and fight club your way off my deserted island while vowing to be back and hoping that other douche-bag whose guts you couldn’t stand but screwed anyway is gonna win the super duper hundreds of thousands of dollars although the nerdy oke fancies his odds cause he’s screwing the lady judge!

At this point release an album and try to hang with and fuck real famous people then finally realise that reality television sucks and there’s no point in living and you’re just another fat chain-smoking ass-wipe who used to be on television for a while. Try to kill yourself with drugs and sleeping pills. Fail.

Sport is the only reality tv.

23 Replies to “DSTV needs a porno channel”

  1. hey you got your sense of humour back- it was started to get depressing here in green acres.

    Oh I forgot you’re a Liverpool fan. You’ll be back on suicide watch within the month.

  2. Thanks Andy, yeah someone bought me underwear! Ndatengerwa mabhurukwa shamwari…

    Yes Minnie I was subjected to a “reality” tv hour and couldn’t help writing abou it. You know me 🙂

  3. you knocking on 30s door dude

    i guess reality tv is really about “real” reactions to unrealistic situations

  4. Happy birthday boet.

    3 Random Questions to the menfolk out there:

    in a fight, who would you face: Venus or Serena
    to shag, who would you choose: Venus or Serena
    to shag: necrophilia or bestiality.

    Reasons?

  5. 1. serena is as strong as a bull, but venus has got reach….so id reckon i have a better chance with venus if i keep the fight on the inside

    2. thats a no-brainer. venus is lanky and has nothin goin for her. despite her man-muscles, serena is better looking and she does have that booty. i’d def hit that from behind

    3. my first thot was nasty ass choices. . but if HAD to make choice…i mean if you pointed a gun to my head or a knife to my dick…i’m thinking theres a few honies i could never get alive plus them honies that be like “over my dead body” i’d could be persuaded to give one shaft….but i insist that theyd still have to warm.

  6. Venus to fight she skinny would whup her ass.Serena has the booty. My name is jack – i’m a necrophiliac, i shag dead women and fill them with semen, i get frustate. sent on my samsung using econet gprs running opera mini

  7. both Williams sisters could kick my ass but I’d take Venus.
    As for the shag… Serena all the way
    For question 3… depends what beast or how hot (or cold for that matter) the dead chick was.

  8. Nhai Alias, iti shuwa! Did you see a ‘c) it depends’ option in my simple either or question. I was not asking you to pontificate the merits of both, given that this is a situation I am hoping you are not meeting sufficiently often to agonise over. I am guessing you don’t do very well in multiple choice exams either.

  9. Rugby song – my name is jack, i’m a necrophiliac, i shag dead women and fill them with semen. I get frustrated when they get cremated, because try as i must i can’t fuck dust……….

  10. Really, when did this conversation turn sour? Okay, I’ll have a go.

    Venus – Serena scares me
    Serena – Serena scares me
    Sheep – Aussies look like a happy lot

    LOL! Elle, really, why would you ask something like that?

    I are hungover!!

  11. I am doing an independent survey and living alone I have a lot of time on my hands to think about these things.

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