Government’s new! improved! support. It’s so welcome, it couldn’t be welcomer!

Good morning ladies, and welcome to today’s edition of Party Political Propaganda ™ with me, your friendly neighbourhood State-run daily newspaper!

In today’s show we have enthusiasm! optimism! revisionism! (today is Ism Day) as we discuss reports of a new fertiliser subsidy to small-scale farmers.

But wait! What’s this? Government, through the Reserve Bank, has been effectively bankrolling these farmers for years, with both inputs and fuel? O you naysayers, puppets of Bush! Blair! Brown! (every day is B Day), don’t try and ruin this for us.

Malawi has produced 3,8 million tonnes of maize, the bulk of the crop coming from small-scale farmers who were supported to the tune of US$186 million.

What Malawi has achieved is not insurmountable as Zimbabwe almost hit the 3million kg mark when it produced 2,1 million tonnes of maize in 1993.

Almost? Almost. Really, “almost” is your word of choice? Really, unnamed Herald editorialist?

Let’s talk about almost for a bit – adjective, meaning “similar to”. How the fuck can 2.1 of anything be similar to 3? Question, if I have $2.1 fuckzillion zimbabwe dollars, do I almost have 3 fuckzillion?

But wait, why are we even debating it? Because, as far as we can see, Malawi produced three point EIGHT million tonnes of maize, and we only produced two point ONE million tonnes in 1993.

Do you know what 3.8m tonnes is? If our production in 1993 was 2.1, then double that is 4.2, yet Malawi have just produced 3.8m.

3.8m tonnes is ALMOST double what we produced in 1993. So what are we talking about? Are you almost out of your goddamn mind?

With this magnitude of support, which has been lacking in previous seasons, we believe our farmers are geared for maximum production, barring adverse weather conditions.

Caveat! Caveat! Adverse weather conditions! Oh darn those nasty-ass adverse weather conditions!!!  Darn you El Nino,  you bane of small-scale farmers everywhere, we haven’t even started farming yet but already you’re taking food from the mouths of our children!

Successive droughts and the politically induced sanctions have crippled farmers’ ability to secure inputs and get back the country to production levels of more than a decade ago.

Thar she blows! The s-word. Today they’re not “illegal”, they’re not “western”, but they are “politically induced”. No shit! Of course they’re politically induced, politicians from other countries don’t want certain politicians from this country visiting their countries because certain politicians from this country are accused of being murderous thieving bastards! (NB accused, Censor Guy).

We are convinced and encouraged by Government’s commitment and interest in capacitating small-scale farmers so that they are once again able to become the custodians of the country’s food security.

Yes, we are. I’m very convinced, but I have questions. When were small-scale farmers ever the “custodians of the country’s food security”. And when was the use of a present particle ever anything but awkward? Capacitating?

Maybe it was back in nineteen-gocha-nhembe when the country spanned the distance past your great-great-ancestor’s field to that other muhacha tree round the corner from that other churu there by the river there?

Our small-scale and communal farmers have always produced the bulk of the maize and cotton from small pieces of land.

Really? REALLY? So why, pray tell, did maize and cotton production virtually CEASE TO EXIST when we destroyed the commercial farming sector, hounding whites off our land? Surely with the increase in small-scale and communal farmers, our production should have immediately corrected to previous levels, with the new farmers picking up the slack where the whites fell of.

Ten points to Bra Eddie for pointing this out. Minus ten points to Bra Eddie for actually buying this fucking newspaper.

Score? Almost zero points.

41 Replies to “Government’s new! improved! support. It’s so welcome, it couldn’t be welcomer!”

  1. Dude well done on a real article. It must have been the sobering defeat of Harare Sports Club Women to the best club in the country Old Hararians (in fact it was a thumping). Coupled with the All Blacks defeat to the boks (I know that it was not really a sentence).

    Anyway a lot of producers who are into crops will tell you that the Zim government has killed commercial agriculture as we know it.

    The models that have been adopted are the small scale farmer. Tanganda has hundreds of contract farmers growing a couple of hectares of tea, as do Cottco with cotton and the tobacco companies. In tobacco you have some large companies such as Alliance One International (nee MTC nee Carsalee) contracting the small men.

    Malawi is large exporter of maize and has the Malawi Food Reserve Agency. Go to GMB and other maize outlets and you will see the bags with the Malawi FRA stamped on them.

    Anyhew (sic) Zim’s system of patronage and lip service did not create any real base of small scale farmers. There were gargantuan fuck ups top dressing (AN) being supplied before basal ferts (D); insufficient seed; seed for the wrong areas, chinese AN that burnt; misappropriation of inputs (translation ganking on a large scale – diesel being sold on the road).

    At the end of the day it comes down to accountability and confidence. Farmers must grow then sell and then be allocated subsidised resources (only for 3 years – this should be time limited) based on their previous year’s deliveries.

  2. I knew it, I knew you couldn’t resist! So crowing during the game wasn’t enough? Hounding me out of HSC wasn’t enough, you have to follow me online and gloat. Fair. Fine. Be afraid, Old Hararians. Be very afraid.

    As for the All Blacks, once we have a few issues sorted, we’re gonna kick ass.

    Accountability? Never. Remember when new farmers were the new spenders, coming into town and selling their fuel to us for huuuuuge amounts? Will there ever be an investigation? In Zimbabwe? Never.

    So I hear there are some Chinese buzzing around Norton and Selous, sniffing the ground and talking about mining and smelting and such.

    Be afraid.

  3. tobacco farmers still come and bling because they are getting paid.

    the big threat to all of this is the side marketing that is is going on check out the Sunday mail online. can’t be bovved to capitalise – let alone post the link

  4. Zimbabwe’s destruction is self made and self-promoted:
    1) how can anyone in this day and age destroy Zimace and commercial farming in preference for small plots and fuedalism talk of turning back the hand of time.
    2) The reason why Malawi will continue to do better than Zimbos is simple; they promote meritocracy. It actually doesnt pay to do well in zimbabwe especially in farming, take what happened to Judge Hlatshwayo as a good reference. So to keep your farm/land just make sure you dont grow anything.
    3) This belief that zimbo’s are better than every other african out there is really nonsense e.g we are better educated, better roads and better farmers, we still think we are in the 80’s. ( Kudos to Joe for picking this up in the report where the undertone is that surely malawi cannot do better than us- we have better, BLA BLA BLA)
    3) COMMUNISM DOES NOT WORK AND IT WILL NEVER WORK!

  5. What makes me laugh about Africa’s “Big Men” is the way squirm and prevaricate when their deeds come into the light.

    Witness one Charles Taylor squirming now that he’s been called to account for his deeds.

    Fact is, evil will out. Always.

  6. @ACM
    Educated black Zimbos are really popular this side. Talk in the white corridors is that they make very diligent and obsequeois workers.
    They are a welcome change from the lazy, backchatting local natives. I hear talk of how fast they bring the food to your table, how they “speak well”, never get the order wrong, are “well mannered” – you know call you sir and shit, AND, if its not a busy evening, they can actually have an intelligent conversation (read, agree with you on how zim has gone to the dogs).

    Oh, BTW, having lived around commercial farms and going to the gwashaz on the odd holiday I can speak with some ‘authority’ that what is happening in Zim is not commercial farming. And only a Zanu hondo-yeminda-green-bomber Chinotimba-type can believe that small plot commercial farming (whatever habitat that species is found..) can feed a nation,

  7. @Mos native, they are only popular coz they are so cheap! ( read i agree we are now worse than donkeys, coz we do as we are told)

    As a commercial farmer far from Zim, i can tell you Zim has a long way to go. I bought my farm, got title deeds, 10year tax break and nothing about local partner BLA BLA BLA, I import machinery from china @ zero duty and all my inputs are in place all the time.

    @ Joe, what’s happening to Charles Taylor instigated the supreme leader nonsense coming out of Zanu Pf. fools i tell you, damn fools.

  8. Supreme Leader … Masvingo stole the march, jumped the gun, ejaculated prematurely and “endorsed”. Now everyone else is falling over themselves to avoid the sell-out tag 🙂

    It almost sounds funny, then you realise it’s one big joke.

    As for farming, I remember the whole hullabaloo with gov’t inviting people to come and apply for land. Come get your plots, they said.

    Why? What the fuck do I know about farming? Do I wanna know? I don’t want a farm, I don’t need land. I need working infrastructure, I need ZESA all day every day, I need running water for the first time at this house, I need optical fibre links, I need digital telephone exchanges, satellite access, open airwaves, free access to information and a goddamned Kentucky Fried Chicken.

    Not a fucking farm.

  9. Damn you born frees! Dont you get it? Its about the land, OUR land that we fought and won back from the imperialists AND our sovereignty…

    We won you your liberation and got back your land and now you spurn it… ungrateful, westernised counter-revolutionaries.

    tchk 🙂

  10. Imagine being subjugated by a coterie of racist/supremist then immediately afterwards the subjugation is now by a band of communist charlatans.

    but Fanon captured it succintly in these verses:

    “…The European élite undertook to manufacture a native élite. They picked out promising adolescents; they branded them, as with a red-hot iron, with the principles of western culture, they stuffed their mouths full with high-sounding phrases, grand glutinous words that stuck to the teeth. After a short stay in the mother country they were sent home, whitewashed. These walking lies had nothing left to say to their brothers; they only echoed. From Paris, from London, from Amsterdam we would utter the words ‘Parthenon! Brotherhood!’ and somewhere in Africa or Asia lips would open … thenon! … therhood!’ It was the golden age. It came to an end; the mouths opened by themselves; the yellow and black voices still spoke of our humanism but only to reproach us with our inhumanity. ..”

  11. Whats ironic and scary in its irony is that all these ‘big men’ read Fanon when they were in detention and exile. They become what they are IN SPITE of that knowledge.
    In a twisted way, it appears instead of taking heed of “The Pitfalls of National Consciousness”, they instead got ideas on the possibilities of a national struggle and saw an opportunity of being such an elite.

    Unwittingly falling under the terrible influence of power is one thing; knowingly exploiting a people to get to that corrupting power is evil.

  12. The “No Shit” comment of the day …

    “CITRUS exports have slumped to a third of the industry’s capacity due to lack of investment and funding challenges on the existing established growers, managing director for Mazoe Citrus Estates, Mr Gabriel Chinembiri said.

    He said numerous orchards were lying abandoned or neglected with virtually no re-planting for continuity although Zimbabwe was still producing for such international export markets as the Middle East, Russia, China and the European Union.”

  13. On Revolutions:

    think about it seriously, when was there ever a revolution in Zimbabwe. all that is touted as revolutionary is nothing other than smokescreen and blatant lies that are self servicing.

    my take on it all:

    1888: the one and only true revolution in present day Zimbabwe. The only country in the world that was formed by a company and administered as a company.

    1980 was simply a change in faces and colour of the skin of the oppessor. nothing different from 1965, instead of unilateral declaration it was a bilateral declaration

    @ Mos native

    Fanon is an interesting character, if you read Fanon selectively then you have the likes that argue for Supreme leaders. There was no intellectual rigour that occured with the ideology of the charlatans before they became communist. they inherit a bakery, instead of learning how to bake they think of sharing the bread that’s already in the oven, and when they finished fighting over the bread, they start selling the machinery…..in their defence claiming the problem was the previous owner for creating the bakery. If there had been no bakery in the first place then we wouldnt have to fight

  14. @ACM – Im a bit worried, you seem rather proud of the 1888 events? Or am I reading wrong?

    I agree about 1965 and ’80.
    MDC is attempting the same thing but without the success of the former two.

    Fanon is the shit.
    If I am to ever have any influence of any sort on this continent, my one contribution to Africankind would be to make Fanon compulsory reading for every 25-year-old black person. Two weeks of his ideas will inspire more patriotism than 2 years of national service.
    But then again who the hell wants to govern an enlightened people.

  15. @ Beezy – watch it dude. Trying to make sense of Zany logic is not good for your mental health. Try humour instead of exasperation.

    Why did the chicken… 🙂

  16. Fanon. Hmmm … not that big a fan, a little too righteous for me, but I don’t wanna get into that with you two.

    Has anyone else read Uncle’s railings from Uganda?

  17. Was googling Bob and uganda just now, came across these;

    Whats in a name?

    “HEAD of Government and Commander-in-Chief of the Defence Forces, His Excellency President Mugabe…”

    “The Head of State and Government and Commander-in-Chief of the Zimbabwe Defence Forces, President Robert Mugabe…”

    “His Excellency, the President, Field Marshall Dr Idi Amin Dada VC MC DSO and CBE. Life President.”

    ” His Excellency the Life President of the Republic of Mala?i, Ngwazi Dr Hastings Kamuzu Banda…”

  18. I am very proud of what happened in 1888, i simply wish the white supremist didnt then create barriers to entry e.g in 1924.

    as for Fanon, i am not a fan, in the slightest but it would be suicide not to be enlightened by his more explorative prose rather than his prescriptions.

    to understand a mentally retarded individual you have to observe, explore and ponder you will learn more about the illness, but to then do as they say, is entirely another thing.

    As for the Supreme leader in Uganda- we should all bow our heads in shame

  19. Had to google Fanon. Gonna read him now. I think that this shit can be summarised by what one of my mukoma’s told me. He said young man, when I grew up I had Smith choking me by the throat, now I have Mugabe grabbing me by the balls.

    There’s no winning in that.

  20. Not sure if the 1888 incursion was inclusive to start of with. I still see it as white men armed with maxim guns and rifles who came and subjugated a people and looted their wealth.
    The possiblity that the pioneer column used natives in their ranks in 1888 is no more a sign of inclusion than the token company native in 2009 who sits at the table but doesnt eat – whose purpose is to make up affirmative action quotas.
    Those white men came to conquer and draw wealth. Conquest is the history of the world and I do not begrudge THOSE men for THAT victory. The glory of a conquest I guess depends on which side you’re on. I, by my ancestral lines, identify with the defeated side hence you shall pardon me for not taking pride in the outcome of that endeavour.

    What does Fanon prescribe other than that a black man stand tall?

  21. @BD – LOL…

    I recommend reading Fanon, not as unquestionable truth, but as the most honest, naked exploration, I have come across, of what it is to be a black African.

    “The Wretched Of The Earth”
    “Black Skin, White Masks”

    Would love to get stuck in some Baldwin and du Bois to get the American perspective but american literature is rather scarce here and Amazon doesnt trust SA post office any more!

  22. Fanon exploration of the black man and the socio-psychological dynamics/analysis are one of a kind.
    His prescription is not too appealing for me, the means in which the subjugation occured is the same way the subjugation should end. his analysis of the effects of colonialism on the native was that the only recourse was a violent uprising against the colonialist and everything that he stood for.

    “I, by my ancestral lines, identify with the defeated side hence you shall pardon me for not taking pride in the outcome of that endeavour.”

    this statement is loaded with inconsistencies. Following the same logic Joe shouldnt support the All blacks, nor identify with their loss.

  23. ACM

    First you take PRIDE in the pioneer column invasion.
    The only people I know who take PRIDE in that are white Rhodesians. Like I do not see anyone other than an Afrikaner taking PRIDE in the Groote Trek. Im worried round about now.

    Then you take the white establishment standard criticism against Fanon which is based on his “Concerning Violence”. To quote Anonymous, and to reiterate my first ever response to you;

    ” – do you have any opinions or ideas of your own?”

  24. Remember, Fanon was a soldier FOR the colonisers, fighting the Nazis, before he became a revolutionary.

    So I identify with his understanding that only force can free those enslaved by force.

  25. Mos Native

    so i am a white Rhodesian??? is that your idea of OWN opinion or idea? 🙂

    As for the history lesson, instead of giving you my opinion which is absolutely irrelevant i refer you to a number of biographies, historians, black and white who can establish the exact track of events. Since you are a curious mind, maybe you need to ask yourself certain questions:
    – why Cecil rhodes was buried at the most holy places in the ndebele kingdom.
    – What happened after the first matebele uprising, and what has been recorded, with pictures to prove on the resolutions made.
    – Cecil Rhodes died in 1902, the white supremist that then had a different agenda- racist to the core where far removed from the initial goals and ambitions of the pioneer column. By the way the land apportionment act was in 1924- under settler laws far removed from the Pionner column.
    – The usual vitriol and Shona lie, is that Lobengula sold out the country. this is further from the truth, and if ever there lived a more honourable King, this was one- he even had a great vision for the country.
    – Can someone / or is somebody allowed to marvel at the greatness of Debeers/ Anglo-America/ Nigel oil company/BSAC and separate the individuals’ sexuality in the discussion ( read separate the impact an individual/company had from the sexual preference/opinions that they hold)

    I am a scholar of ideas, separating the chaff from the wheat. Perhaps to many that means no opinion of my own!( unlike most i dont claim opinions if they are not mine, eg i cld have easily paraphased fanon and claimed the opinion as mine…)

    ps. Capetown has a wonderful array of Rhodes history and vision on display, take time to visit these and better understand BSAC.

  26. “The usual vitriol and Shona lie” … a bit of revisionism there, innit?

    Dude sold us out, and you don’t have to be Shona to know the history.

  27. Sorry, the land apportionment act came in effect in 1930, but in 1924 was the first separation of land.

    @ Joe Black: how did he sell out? before you answer think about where you got that information from

  28. @ACM
    I am not interested in your identity. I am interested in your ideas and opinions. YOUR being the operative word. For the pinch of salt that my opinion is worth, on this score, you disappoint. Noone is asking you to plagiarise, rather, show your interpretation and critique of ideas.

    Your comments in this post parrot Rhodesian propaganda and that is what concerns me.
    You seem to read, not to seek understanding but to seek justification. Not to seek clarification but to seek confirmation. You seem to read selectively to back up what you have bought into.

    Your questions that you posed are redundant Rhodesian rhetoric to justify their “settling” (read, military conquest, subjugation, cultural elimination and wealth extraction). It is click-copied-&-pasted straight out of Rhodesians.org/net and the host of websites and literature about the glorious Rhodes, Selous, Hartley etc. These are interesting to a Rhodesian seeking legitimacy for their forefathers actions, and, a heritage, but are not to be mistaken for intellectual literature.
    I certainly cannot debate on the wishful thinking of selective “historians”. The same historians who wrote about Livingstone “discovering” the falls and who depict Lobengula as some bloated, cross-eyed oaf.

    p.s. I agree with you about the settlers legacy on display in Cape Town. The most striking is the sprawling squalor of tin shacks in Khayalitha, Langa, Gugulethu, Nyanga and Crossroads as your plane approaches to land at CT airport; juxtaposed against the white (pun intended) beach enclaves of Clifton and Camps Bay.

  29. ACM, asking me “How did Lobengula sell-out?” is like asking me “What Jews did Hitler kill?”. I will not indulge any revisionsm or denialism of settled historical facts.

    Your opinions, however crackpot, are fine. Don’t draw me into it.

  30. @ Mos native.

    i think what reels you, is the fact that white people colonised black people. Sorry my friend, but that has been occurring since the time human beings where on this earth.

    Why do we call Alexandra the great, quick to proclaim Churchill a war hero ( a racist bastard by the way). Bonaparte the greatest military strategist-Julius Caesar colonised continental Europe and Britain- declaring himself life dictator. as true scholars we are able to see the great achievements that they made, forays that were beyond anyone’s imagination. The Romans brought civilisation to the shore of Britain, its an indubitable fact. that Romans were racist/tribalist/imperialist is totally abominable.

    as for the Rhodesians- their ambitions were similar to the BEE ambitions, purely exclusivity- different from CJ Rhodes ambitions.

    Again my friend, if you refer to my post above i see Lobengula as one of the greats in African history and that he never sold out. He was a great military strategist, and what could be more exciting for a student of ideas than when two strategist clash in war, unfortunately Lobengula lost on this one, but it doesnt take anything away from him and his greatness. Bonaparte lost in the battle of waterloo, did he sell out the french?

    Rhodes’s vision was greater than any other vision ever on the African continent. But he was a lousy politician of disagreeable sexual persuasion.

  31. “Rhodes’s vision was greater than any other vision ever on the African continent”

    thats the kind of crap we get when y’all ask him for his OWN ideas

  32. No dude, you’re not listening. What reels me is that you glorify the colonisation. And even more, you glorify it not because there is some intellectually derived merit but simply because your sentiment lies towards it. You did not have an intellectual discourse to which the conclusion was that colonisation was IT. Instead you start by believing it to be, and then clutching at literature to justify your position.

    Your pride in conquest is not intellectual, it is arrogant and betrays your sentiment.
    Reading numerous books does not make you an intellectual any more than listening to a large amount of music makes one a musician. Backing up your sentiment with literary sources is no more to the point than a religious person backing up his argument with bible quotes.

    YOU glorify, Alexander, Julius, Bonaparte and Churchill – I dont. I do not celebrate the colonisation of one person by another – I do not see the glory in military exterminations of one people by another.
    By your reasoning, you would be awed by the genocide in the Great Lakes region, Bosnia and Nazi-Germany because these were impressive military and political strategies carried out efficiently. A white British person may glorify the Roman incursions in 2009 but I cannot do the same for the pioneer column which signalled the blotting out of a civilisation for economic benefit – maybe because I still feel the negative effects – maybe because it is evil to dehumanise people.
    You will equally be hardpressed to find one Jew, regardless of how “intellectual”, who will be impressed by the precision of the holocaust.

    My turn for Q&A;

    Why are you trying so hard to convince yourself of the good in colonisation/capitalism?

  33. Twas D Marechera who wrote an interesting poem;

    I am against war
    I am against those who start wars
    and i am against those who oppose wars
    Infact i am against anything that diminishes
    an individual’s ability to act on impulse

    that was just to creep up your spine 🙂

    @Joe not only do i glorify but by Mos native logic i harbour ambitions of colonising

    @ Mos Native

    colonisation is of extreme historical importance to me, it helps put things in perspective. But its no more or less of interest to me than the history of ideas and how they have mutated over time. e.g Have you ever thought that maybe your employer has colonised you and your time?

    As for capitalism, my interest truly reconciles with Marechera and the individual’s right to act on impulse.
    – By starting a venture/company ensures one acts on their most natural impulse i.e creativity. When you work for a corporation/government you become a bureaucrat and act on orders and unable to introduce that new product you truly believe in.
    – capitalism empowers individuals/society to become an ownership society. its etched in abundance theory, that there are so many ideas out there and anyone can and should be able to make it. no need for an education/opinion/political favours/race/creed its a market for anyone to potentially succeed.
    – In this world, until you have economic freedom you are limited to what you can enjoy or do. e.g if you are one of those inclined to donate $1bn, under capitalism your generous impulse will not be questioned. in other system one would donate other pple’s money and not their own.

    hope that suffices

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