Now if only they had a microphone …

You know how sometimes you’re in a situation, and you really want to say something, but at risk of ridicule / physical violence / firing you say another thing? When your mind tells you one thing and says another?

It’s always fun to compare what I’m thinking and what actually comes out. Maybe one day we’ll stop being robots, and say what we really feel. Ooh, the world would be an interesting place. Here’s what the voices in my head have been screaming lately.

APPLE GUY: Wire* fifty.
VOICES IN MY HEAD: Blaz, what the hell, it’s not like you’re selling golden eggs or something. There’s better be a princess and dwarves involved here, damn!
ME: Ndipo two.

OFFICE DRONE: Joe I’m looking for a job.
VOICES IN MY HEAD: And of course I’m a walking classified ads. I know every job going in every country in the world, and I’ll reach into my huge database and pluck the perfect position for you. How about this: crash test dummy? Arsehole.
ME: Well, if I hear anything I’ll let you know.

CLUB CHICK: I’ll have an Amarula, kana Viceroy and lemonade.
VOICES IN MY HEAD: Damn girl, forget where you live? This is Zim dammit, don’t order shit you can’t buy yourself. It better be blowjob night or sum’n in this club dammit, I ain’t paying no goddam millions fo *snip*
ME: Barman!

LOLO: Ah Joe sha, your hair needs a retouch.
VOICES IN MY HEAD: Oh FFS, again?? I’m getting tired of your stuck record dammit, everytime you come around it’s the same thing. Move on dammit, think I don’t have a fecking mirror? I ain’t never said anything about your goddam wea *snip*
ME: You know what? You keep saying that and I keep ignoring it. Give up.

CUTIE: How come you don’t call me anymore? Wandirasa?
VOICES IN MY HEAD: You know, if you stopped complaining about how I don’t call you , maybe I would actually call you. Like damn, stop whining girl, it’s unattractive; if you shut up for a second maybe we’ll see a movie, hook up, whatever.
ME: You know I been busy, I’ll call you this weekend. We’ll do sum’n.

RANDOM PUB GUY: You drinking again? (by way of greeting)
VOICES IN MY HEAD: feck off, you jammy bastard!
ME: feck off, you jammy bastard!

*Wire – slang for 100 thousand dollars, or 100 million if you left Zimbabwe long ago.