Perfectly acceptable behavior …

…  when out in a social setting or drinking establishment.

1) If you’re overweight to the point that your gut sticks out further than your chest, you should definitely be wearing that muscle top. Even if it is a Liverpool shirt.

2) Claim you’re “trying to quit” and that you only smoke socially while bumming half a pack of cigarettes.

3) Say you’re on a “girls’ night out”. Ask why we’re laughing after you say so. Wonder why the guys at the table (you joined uninvited) are skipping you every round.

4) Go out to a group dinner. Take 20 minutes to divide the bill. Pay less than what you owe.

5) Don’t tip your waitress after a meal; it’s so crowded in here they’ll never notice.

6) If you’re behind the bar, get drunker than your patrons. They’ll never notice.

7) If you’re a nightclub, charge more than $3 for a beer. They’ll never notice.

8 ) When ordering rounds, be the last guy in the rotation so that your friends will be too pissed to realize you haven’t gotten a round yet.

9) Only drink wine.

10) If a friend has dragged you to a bar you don’t particularly like, don’t even make an attempt to fucking enjoy yourself.

11) Hang out at Sam Levy’s Village. Only.

12) When invited to a house party, don’t show up. To really make an impression, show your friends just how much you give a shit by saying you’ll come and then don’t bother. If you do show up, do so empty-handed. There’s nothing more enjoyable than feeding and lubricating your cheap ass.

13) If a bouncer rejects your offer to pay for fewer people than there are in your group, argue with him. You’re obviously more qualified for the job than he is.

14) Enjoy dimly-lit, ridiculously crowded watering holes with music so loud you’ll break your larynx attempting to talk. Bonus: Scream / sing “Sawa sawa sawa ale” at 3 a.m. with 100 people you’ve never met. Double bonus: Secretly look forward to doing so. Triple bonus: Pay a $10 cover charge for the privilege.

15) Be really bad at karaoke and sign up for 18 songs. Bonus: Boo someone you don’t know.

16) Come watch football at the pool table when the bar is clearly too crowded. Stand right next to the pool table. Don’t move when I try to play my shot.

17) If you’re a bar, have a bathroom attendant. Bonus: Talk to me while I’m relieving myself.

18) Don’t leave the confines of your social circle. Question why no members of the opposite sex are talking to you.

19) Wake up with a massive hangover and claim you’re never drinking again. Bonus: You really mean it this time.

20) Poke my beer belly and ask when I’m giving birth. Bonus: Get pissy when I say something nasty about your grandmother. It’s not like you started it.