ZANU thinks I’m stupid

Western puppet. Delusional sell-out. White man’s dog doing the white man’s bidding. Fooled into advancing the white man’s regime change agenda. Chimbwasungata.

I have been called all this and more by ZANU-PF leaders and their supporters, simply for having a divergent view. In as polarised an electoral system as ours, it is inevitable that insults will be flung back and forth.

But the most insulting thing the Wailers have said about me is this – I’m too stupid to think for myself.

I was led astray (by a Western puppet doing the bidding of his neo-imperialist[ic] masters) into betraying the aspirations of The People, and reversing the gains of our hard-won independence.

I am too dumb to weigh my own ideals and values against each party’s policies.

I am too stupid to understand and appreciate the sacrifices made by those (exclusively ZANU-PF) who liberated my sorry behind.

I am too blind to see the regime-change agenda being perpetuated and furthered by the neo-colonialised MDC formations.

Never mind Gukurahundi. Never mind the (yes, I’ll say it) catastrophic land invasions, murders, maimings and displacements of hundreds of thousands of innocent (black) farm workers, not to mention their “intransigent” white masters.

Never mind giving “war veterans” unbudgeted allowances, thereby tanking the economy. Never mind the fact that many of the ZANU-PF leadership is “disabled” to some extent, which forced them to claim fortunes from the War Veterans’ disability fund.

Never mind the disastrous adventures in the DRC. Never mind the violence and murders visited upon the general populace since the constitutional referendum of 1999, and the 2000 elections.

Never mind the policy failures that tanked the Zimbabwe Dollar. Never mind the obscure diamond shenanigans (including a trunk allegedly disappearing from police custody), never mind the Chinese building their own airstrip in Chiadzwa, and never mind the same Chinese being given carte blanche to do what they will in Zimbabwe.

Never mind the misery brought into my life by ZANU-PF, or the ruinous policy decisions made by ZANU-PF governments over the years.

I am the problem, because I’m far too stupid to see that they are not only the revolutionary party, but the party of the future. Tomorrow I should vote for their 89-year-old Presidential candidate.

Despite there being neither a voter’s roll nor final list of polling stations. Despite there being over 6 million names on the roll (strangely) and over 8 million printed ballots (worryingly). Despite not being able to register because they deliberately paralysed voter registration in urban areas. Despite the obvious rigging being undertaken by Makarau and Kazembe at the Zimbabwe Electoral Commission.

Yes, I’ll definitely vote for President Robert Mugabe, Head of State and Government and Commander in Chief of the Zimbabwe Defence Forces, because ZBC, the public broadcaster, told me to stop betraying the liberation ideals of my forefathers.

I am the stupid one, right?

Right.