BREAKING: Mujuru allies suddenly discover citizens

A shocking revelation has this morning shaken the Zimbabwean political sphere to the core.

The sudden discovery by Joice Mujuru and her allies, who had been unceremoniously dumped by ZANU-PF, of the principles of democracy has sent ripples through the social media.

In an open letter addressed “TO THE CITIZENS OF ZIMBABWE”, and ominously branded number one of 2015 (implying there’ll be more to come), the cabal of former ZANU-PF bigwigs appeal to be given a fair hearing.

The People From All Walks Of Life (aka The People) were dismayed to find out that the group, fronted by Didymus Mutasa, have only just now discovered things like “one-man-one-vote”, “majority rule” and “constitutional guidelines”.

In an imaginary interview, the Man On The Street could barely conceal his amusement at ZANU-PF chefs complaining of false allegations and political smear campaigns, given their history of deploying the same tactics against political enemies both real and imaginary.

The irony of Didymus Mutasa complaining about the lack of a “free and fair platform” to “elect leaders of [their] choice without intimidation, victimization, fear or trepidation” was not lost on a passing postman, who chuckled at the line in which he complained about “the erosion of … democracy”.

As we concluded the interview, a nearby airtime vendor yelled “Zvaiwana ngwarati“, a phrase we could neither make head nor tails of. Purporting to represent The People, he proceeded to issue his own statement.

“We The People From All Walks Of Life find it interesting that at this late stage in the game, if indeed the game is still even in progress or the whistle has been blown and all players have retired to their respective changing rooms (or to lounge about in miniskirts, whatever the case), these former bigwigs have decided to recognise the citizens of Zimbabwe, and even go so far as to write us a letter.

“We wholeheartedly reject that statement, and strongly advise anyone disgruntled by internal ZANU-PF political machinations to deal with their issues, and not involve us, the long-suffering People.

“We shall not be used to advance petty political agendas, and will not entertain charlatans bent on further squeezing us for material gain as if they were squeezing diesel from a rock.”

With gullible media outlets speculating about a split in ZANU-PF, it would be interesting to see what developments will follow.

No-one of any importance was available to comment at the time of going to print, as the entire nation seemed to be laughing all at once.