Sorry I blocked you on social media


I am so sorry that I unfriended you on Facebook. Maybe we were just never really friends. Maybe it’s because we’ve never actually met.

Maybe I try to keep my Facebook “friends” to a bare minimum, so I reduce the amount of foolishness, jokes, viral videos and preaching I subject myself to.

Rather than complain about the shit you talk, maybe I just decided to let you live your life without me being a prefect.

Or maybe it was that stupid comment you placed on one of my more serious posts. Whatever it was, I’m sure you never needed me as a friend, and you will survive perfectly well without liking every picture I’ve ever posted.

Go forth and thrive.

I’m sorry I blocked you on Twitter. Shit happens, my friend. Yeah, we’re cool and all, but you don’t get to call me “angry” as an insult on my own timeline. Yes, I am angry. I have every right to be.

There are no force matters on social media. I do NOT have to listen to or accept your reply to my tweet. You, of course, are entitled to have an opinion on everything I post – I just do NOT have to listen to those opinions.

You are not being “silenced” by being blocked. That does not in any way infringe on your freedom of speech. You are still very free to speak, just elsewhere and not to me. Simple, right?

Most days, I vent just for the venting of it. If I use the word “cunt” and other colourful shit, it is not for you to tell me what a bad word is. I know what a bad word is – I use them on purpose.

You are free to unfollow me if you find my language offensive, or you could just ignore it and wait for me to get back to talking about rugby or writing or music or whatever it was that made you follow me in the first place.

But the moment you try and police MY language that I use on MY social media accounts (which by the way I didn’t use your phone to open) then we have a problem.

Maybe it’s because you decided to throw a smart-ass last word at me after I said “go away” but that is also perfectly okay.

As the Steward of Gondor told the hobbit, go forth and die in whatever manner you see fit.

So please forgive me – I am the asshole, and I’ll gladly accept that title and wear it with pride.

Freedom, ka?

By the way, I am also very sorry I left the WhatsApp group you added me to. I really didn’t mean to offend you. I’m sure you just wanted to keep me in the loop with other like-minded strangers individuals. That is okay.

Maybe I just do not enjoy my mobile number being abused. Giving you my number doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want with it. You can’t just add me to groups. You can’t send me Christian propaganda. You can’t call me in the middle of the night and expect me to be awake and pleased. You can’t send me unsolicited marketing texts. You can’t send me bible verses at three in the morning.

But that’s my own fault, and you of course did nothing wrong, you’re just trying to keep me laughing or save my soul. And I love you for that.

Please do not let my misanthropy get in the way of your altruistic efforts. I hope you thrive.

For anyone else I have offended on social media in 2015, please accept my heartfelt apology and forgive me.

Or don’t. Whatever.

Back to work.