Hello to all our viewers around the world!
Welcome to this wonderful Cup Final here at the Giant National Sports Stadium™ in sunny Harare.
My name is Musarereka Jenitalia and I will be your commentator for this evening’s match, ably assisted by my match analyst and resident statistical genius, Perekedzai Mboko, how are you doing Perry?
… sorry to interrupt you Perry, here come the teams now, it is Liverpool hosting Manchester United here in the first fuckup fina … oh, sorry that actually reads F.A. Cup, yes the first FA Cup Final to be held in Africa.
It is interesting that both teams are comprised completely of indigenous players, this is wonderful to see. Ah and there is the considerable bulk of our match referee Walle Mzembereri to blow the whistle, and we are off.
What an exciting spectacle this is, and you can tell from the number of foreign tourists trickling in and out of the stadium that people have come far and wide to witness this wonderful match.
But wait, what is this? Are those helicopters I see, Mboko? Yes they are.
Oh you won’t believe this, but there are four army helicopters hovering over the center circle, and they appear to each be dangling a cable holding up the corner of a strange, flat rectangle … oh my Gawd!
Could that be a 5-aside pitch? Yes, in actual fact those helicopters are air-dropping a small artificial 5-aside soccer pitch right in the center circle of the Giant National Sports Stadium™!
I have not witnessed chaotic scenes of this nature since Senegal played Zimbabwe in rugby at Prince Edward school and the local fans threatened to beat the opposition players for assaulting our flyhalf. There were cries of “You can’t come here and beat our white people, this is Zimbabwe we beat our own white people!”
(oh yes, good times Jenitals, good times)
Hold on Mboko, it appears the referee is involved in this matter now, eh, he seems to be the one signalling the helicopters and well, they have managed to drop the artificial pitch right in the middle of the field here. What is fascinating is that oh, the ref is simply waving for play to go on whilst some workmen in Walle Construction overalls hastily erect a fence around the tiny rectangular pitch within a pitch!
Ooooh that was almost a goal for Liverpool there, it seems their scoring woes continue whether it is Sterling, Sturridge or Sadomba leading the attack, what a shame isn’t it Perry?
And as play continues, oh my goodness it appears the Manchester goalkeeper has been arrested, actually those are not police, they are private security guards from Walle Enterprises, what is this? I can’t believe what I am seeing.
They have shackled the Manchester goalkeeper and thrown him into the fenced 5-aside soccer field! What does this mean? And now the Liverpool central midfielder and right-back are also being dragged kicking and screaming into the same enclosure.
And now we have a situation where there are ten players standing around looking dazed and confused in the enclosure, totally ignoring the ball which was thrown in there for them to play with!
A few of the Liverpool players look despondent and have huddled in one corner, faces pressed to the mesh of the perimeter fence and gazing out as their team-mates play on in the biggest game of their lives.
Oh, one Manchester United player is now actually chewing on the ball, to the obvious delight of the few guards standing outside the fence. This is a terrible sight to see.
Back to the game, and here come Manchester now on the attack, a long searching ball being chased with vigour by the two remaining opposing midfielders, and oh no this is comical, both players were watching the ball so intently they have run headlong into the fence erected in the middle of the pitch!
And now we are hearing raucuos boos from the stands, oh it seems all the local fans have already left, and oh no even the tourists have abandoned the stands as well. I can see a whole busload of Chinese muttering to themselves and shaking their heads as they leave the VIP bay there, so sad to see.
Yes, even myself and Mboko the commentators are leaving, because this is bullshit. There was a perfectly good match being played on this wonderful pitch, but the referee had to ruin it by trying to place another smaller pitch in the middle of it all.
So this is me, signing off from this nonsense here, it appears they have erected a huge neon marquee above their little pitch.
As the remaining players wander off the field in search of water and a better field to play on unimpeded, all that is left is a fenced enclosure right in the center circle, with ten players just lying around looking bored. All except the Manchester keeper, who is now listlessly licking his own testicles.
They even erected a neon sign above the little pitch, I can barely make it out because the electricity has gone here … oh, wait, now I can.
The giant erection reads “Victoria Falls Zoo“, and referee Mzembereri is strutting around the empty playing field pointing at it and yelling “Bhora Mugedhi” (the ball is in the net) to nobody in particular.
So to our worldwide viewers, thank you for watching this live broadcast, and we apologise for letting the lunatics take over the asylum and how the game finished.
(fade out, cue Joni Mitchell singing “Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone, they paved paradise and put up a parking lot.”)
Good night, and good luck.
*Photo (obviously) from Nehanda Radio, and has absolutely nothing to do with this story.