The Black List, 2014 Edition

1. Asshole of the Year

That would be me, obviously. I am the self-styled King of the Assholes, so I’ll get it out the way and give this one to myself. There were a few contenders, though.

Honourable mentions go to Robert Martin Gumbura, convicted rapist, serial polygamist and (according to WhatsApp transcripts) plumber and pipe-layer of note. If anyone has earned his stay in the stocks, it’s this rapist and losing ZANU-PF primary election candidate for Mabvuku-Tafara.

I’ll also include Liam Middleton, our erstwhile “Director of Rugby” who unilaterally commandeered the Rugby Sevens team and fecked it up, then destroyed our chances of Rugby World Cup qualification by going for posts against a 14-man Kenya side. Special mention to Steve Mangongo, former cricket coach, who dropped arguably his best pace bowler for sharing a WhatsApp video. Stay classy, coach.

2. Team of the Year

This award can only go to the Mapostori who beat up a motley crew of church officials, policemen and “journalists” who encroached on their shrine. From what I saw on “the social media”, a majority of PFAWOL (People From All Walks of Life, henceforth known as The People) were in awe, admiration and complete support of their actions.

Honourable mention goes to the Zimbabwe ODI cricket team. Not in totality, but for giving it a fair go in the triangular series against SA and Australia, and delivering that famous thrashing of the Aussies. Advance Lostralia Fair!

Some credit must also go to HIFA, for putting on a hell of a show despite the “harsh economic challenges” and battling through the FreshlyGround debacle. The show went on despite the Zimbabwe Government’s intransingence, and where required, full refunds were given. That’s what I call making a plan.

3. Most Dismissed Vice President of the Year

Joice Mujuru wasn’t just fired. She was repeatedly harangued in public by First Lady Doctor Amai Grace Mugabe, PHD. She was vilified in the state media, both in print and on television.

She is under police investigation for issues which had never hit the public eye until she fell out of favour.

Shit, wasn’t she even accused of plotting to assassinate a 90-year-old, His Excellency President Robert Gabriel Mugabe, Head of State and Government and Commander-in-Chief of the Zimbabwe Defence Forces?

The woman was well and truly fired.

4. Most Terrible Mobile Network of the Year

Congratulations, Econet Wireless (although I reckon you’d win this every year). This particular award is for the callous way you continued to subscribe me for SMS mailing lists after repeated promises (sometimes made by phone) from your people never to send me unsolicited texts again.

Honourable mention to Telecel, who I gave a go. The experience wasn’t any better, and after I lost my SIM card, I couldn’t figure out an earthly reason why you were worth getting a police report to replace it. Meh.

5. Most Stubborn Newspaper of the Year

Hi there, NewsDay. I can cite a few examples, but seriously – how did Mukosi come to have an “r” in it?

When the Tokwe-Mukosi dam wall slipped / collapsed / was sabotaged in February, you guys at AMH claimed the official spelling was either Mukorsi or Murkosi. Apparently even the Surveyor-General had an “r” in it.

At what point does common sense prevail? If nobody could just figure out that Tokwe-Mukosi is Tokwe-Mukosi, and there is no possible reason for an extra letter than an old typo / mispelling by (probably) an Italian contractor that’s been propagated and perpetuated, what hope is there for the “private” media in Zimbabwe?

I won’t even go into this nonsense of “torching a storm”.

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And there it is, my inaugural Black List. If you’re not on it, I’m sorry. Maybe next year.

And for the brands that appear here, be proud. As long as I still fool and whine about your product, I’m still using it.

The day you must dread is the day I simply stop complaining, because that means I’ve moved on.

There were also quite a few people who engaged in finery and feckery in 2014, but I’m bored now.

As you were.